How do you know where to draw the line
between toxic positivity and affirming self-talk?
That's what I'm talking about today.
I'm Dr. Tracy Marks, a psychiatrist
and I make mental health education videos.
Today's video is based on our viewer question
from Anandu, who says,
"Can you do a video on negative power
"of fake and toxic positivity and overdose motivation?"
Thanks Anandu for your question.
An emotionally healthy state is one in which
you can experience and express
a full range of emotions
from happy to sad, to mad, to fearful.
If you get stuck on one
and eliminate others, you're not whole.
Happy and positive thoughts feel good,
but it's not the only emotion you have.
We naturally want to eliminate negative emotions.
And because of this, many people can grow up
having trouble owning negative emotions,
and can feel guilty about having them.
This guilt and shame over being negative
can lead to toxic positivity.
We can define toxic positivity
as rejecting or dismissing negative emotions
and replacing them with false reassurances.
You excessively focus on the good side of things
and fail to appreciate the true feeling
that the person is experiencing.
Here's how toxic positivity
can affect the way you think
or the way you interact with others.
First, here's how it can affect you.
You can avoid talking about,
or even thinking about uncomfortable feelings.
You feel guilty when
you experience negative emotions like anger.
When bad things happen you only acknowledge
the positive aspects of the situation,
and you admire people who are always positive
and you aspire to be like them.
Here's some of the things that you can say to others.
"No worries."
"Look on the bright side."
"It could be much worse."
You can tell someone that who has suffered a tragedy,
"Everything happens for a reason".
Toxic positivity can be damaging on several levels.
It damages relationships
when you invalidate someone's feelings,
it also can make the person that you're speaking with
feel like they can't relate to you.
If it's someone who needs your emotional support,
like a child or a loved one,
it can make them feel even worse about themselves
when they can't dismiss the negative thoughts
like you expect them to.
As for the effect on yourself,
believing that you're not allowed to think negatively
can make you suppress emotions that are real,
causing those emotions to show themselves in other ways
like becoming anxious or depressed.
Thought stopping is a therapy technique based on
the psychological defense mechanism of suppression.
With thought stopping you intentionally
cast aside negative thoughts
and replace those thoughts with something positive.
It turns out that the act of not trying
to think about something
makes you think about it even more.
Also stuffing negative feelings sends the message
that the negative feelings are not okay to have
and you need to act as though they don't exist.
When you can't stop thinking that way,
you feel worse about yourself.
So thought stopping has fallen out of favor
as a go-to coping strategy.
By the way,
suppression is different from
the defense mechanism of repression.
Suppression is intentionally blocking unwanted thoughts.
Repression is where you unconsciously block unacceptable
thoughts as a coping mechanism.
You're not aware of and don't accept
the thought that you're blocking.
For example, let's say I mistakenly call my husband
by his brother's name.
I make that slip because I have a repressed romantic desire
for his brother and wish he were my husband.
I would never admit this
or even believe that it's true,
because that desire is so wrong to me
that my mind blocks it from my awareness
until the thoughts pop into my dreams.
But I digress.
How do you break through this tendency
to use excessive positivity
either with yourself or with others?
Here are two approaches.
Number one is employee self-compassion
and acceptance for yourself.
Stress and pain are part of the human experience
and we must come to terms with this.
Coming to terms is allowing yourself
to experience the negativity.
One way to do this
is a technique called Affective Labeling.
Affective Labeling is simply naming the emotion
that you're experiencing at the time.
If it's your nature to avoid feelings
or avoid negative feelings,
you'll want to put it out of your mind.
But research shows that attaching a label
or a name to how you feel
makes it feel more real
and lessens the threat of the emotion.
It's like it pops the balloon.
Once you label the emotion,
you have to give yourself permission to be in this state.
And this isn't to say that you should live here forever.
There comes a time to shift your mindset
to something more adaptive.
The way you make that shift
is to focus on resilience.
Resilience is adapting to your circumstance
in the face of adversity.
So you persevere, despite the adversity.
And persevering doesn't mean you pretend to enjoy it,
you just accept it and work through it.
Also remember the negative and positive emotions
are not mutually exclusive.
You can experience them both simultaneously.
You can be angry that you didn't get a promotion
while you still enjoy your job.
So that's the first approach that focuses on you
with self-compassion and acceptance.
The second approach is to focus on others
by showing empathy and validation.
You want to allow the other person
to express their true feelings,
instead of trying to get them to see the positive,
show interest in what they're going through,
ask questions, offer help.
So instead of saying, "Look on the bright side".
Say things like, "I'm sorry you're going through this.
"That sounds really difficult.
"How are you doing?"
You could even say, "I wish I knew what to say".
That tells the person that you're not trying
to give the perfect response.
You're just there to listen.
They may even say, "You don't need to say anything.
"I just wanted someone to talk to."
Then you can follow up with,
"Let me know if I can help."
These kinds of statements feel accepting and validating
because they don't dismiss the person's feelings
as if their feelings are wrong or unjustified.
You may say what if the person
is always complaining about something?
Well, if the person is your friend,
you can still meet them where they are.
If they're not asking for your opinion,
your role is just to empathize.
You're not there to be their therapist
or help them advance to a better place.
The person isn't going to see the light
just because you cut them off with a positive statement.
The person has to be open and wanting to change
the way that they think and view the world
because they see the need for that kind of change.
If the person says,
"I wish I could see things more positively
"and I hate being negative",
then we have a different situation.
Have them watch this video
on finding meaning by doing things that you value,
and this one on processing negative emotions.
Thanks for watching.
See you next time.