#Thew's that girl?#
Yes indeed, it's Combiner time and I'm feelin' fine!
Now then - bit of ground work to cover on this one so fetch me a hoe and let's friggin' go.
So, Combiner Wars has pretty much come and gone at this point
and much as I supremely enjoyed it, I really feel like I could have handled it better.
I mean, as a fan, it was like an ongoing 26-month super-Christmas
with like, tons of old fave B-list characters getting sweet new toys
and just the pure joy of building loads of kickass massive Gestalts
but as a reviewer
- God, I hate that word. Can we go again?
But as a toy critic -
nah, too arch.
But as a thirty-something glob of bearded white meat given ideas above his station
by his moderate popularity on an online video sharing site
...nah, too real.
But as a reviewer, I totally blew it.
I mean, it was just wave after wave of six and seven figure sets to try and keep up with
and over-explain and crack wise about
and I do this for fun! Who needs that kind of pressure?
So let's instead hop over to Unite Warriors, the alternative Takara take on the Combiner Wars onslaught
- not THAT one...
...well, not JUST that one -
which took Hasbro's handiwork, gave it a mild tweak and boshed it back out in prestige presentation packs,
but as we know on the Thew show,
Combiner Wars didn't always stick so stringently to the established Combiner boys
so outliers like Sky Lynx and Cyclonus were assigned definitive teams to get 'em up to box set standard.
Meanwhile, back in the Hasbro hemisphere,
there was, at some point, a create-a-character multiple choice fan poll thing -
those are always great! -
which gave us Victorion, the groundbreaking first ever canon female Combiner,
formed from ever-so-slightly feminised retools of the same old figures we all had nine of already
but it was still pretty cool, man!
I mean, it did attract a certain amount of bellyachin' from the "girls are smelly" demographic
but it was kind of an event!
Like, she had her own comic book with a fresh backstory
and it was mostly done fairly tastefully and with a degree of reverence.
(Victorion): WHERE IS THE ENIGMA?
(Devastator): IT'S MINE!
(Thew): Mostly. I said mostly!
Which leads me, finally, to Megatronia.
Yes indeed, faced with an entirely new Combiner crew without thirty years of built-in marketing blurb
Takara decided on a Decepticon version of the Victorion girl gang
and brainlessly recast them as a gaggle of fangirls, heretofore-unmentioned accomplices
and actual, canonical, gender-switched duplicates of popular dude characters
and they finally sealed the deal by eloquently rebranding the mighty Torchbearers as the
"Woman Decepticon Warrior Combiner".
Yes... this is canon.
So now we've established how ridiculous this whole thing is, let's talk about why I love it!
It's 'cos I'm shallow.
Yes indeed, check out this mean girl squad
lookin' crisp and co-ordinated in some of the slickest paint jobs of the whole Combiner thing!
I mean, as physical objects, these things are so oversaturated in my brain
it shouldn't be possible for me to find 'em this visually interesting!
But come on, these gals be slayin' in their single colour semi-pastel realness
and the unified black theming is EVERYTHING.
Anyway, the raddest lasses with the baddest asses rock up in a big sexy box
with a big sexy flap and a big sexy window
and a sketch of them all playing grab-ass in a bathroom
...which is all very respectful and progressive and...
...oh my God.
But did you come to me to talk about paperwork?
Bring me my girls!
First to the catwalk, then, is Moonheart, the sweetest sapphire sistercopter
with the world's most adorable name
who apparently used to work for Soundwave and seems to be the team's general admin assistant.
So she's yet another iteration of the Alpha Bravo mould - more specifically the Skyburst girl-style version -
and as an actual Transformer it kind of doesn't get much more basic.
Like, she's pretty much a standard template robot with some helicopter bits cloggin' up the back end.
But sometimes less is more! Like, remember Blazemaster? Eurgh.
But look, we're so deep into the Combiner game that it's basically all about looks at this point
and Moonheart certainly is a splendid sight in her irresistible cerulean styles
with a fresh and foxy femme-face and like, mildly reworked forearms?
Check out that inlaid slender sculpting and cheeky arm wings!
Legs are lookin' thick, with like the deep-ass calves and sort of afterthought robo-pumps?
But like, I think the articulation might be a bit shagged?
Like, the hips seem a bit clashy here and there and the waist's a bit of a twat to line up
but at least she's accessorised, with the Deceptibadge and a tiny ruby nipple heart glob
and check out this giant pink sword!
#Oooooh-ooooh#
[CLATTERING HEAVY METAL MUSIC]
Transformation's very much an Aerialbot update
but instead of the classic thigh-shunt, there's like, this clip-lever-swivel system
that it feels very odd to be talkin' about like it's new.
But I guess we haven't done it on the show, so let's take a look at this wicked whirl girl!
As an actual copterformer, then, it's really nothing special.
Like, the robot's still super obvious in there
with the arms chillin' out on the side like it's not weird
and all you can say about the copter bits is that it's got them.
Like, the cockpit and the rotor and the tail end are all fine - it's just a bit bare minimum.
But, I mean, I do still like it!
Like, there's something pleasingly sleek and bullet-like about it,
and it just looks so lush in these cornflower colours!
I want a Moonheart version of everything!
Also, out of all the characters this thing's been, I think it probably suits Moonheart the best.
Like, it's hardly the most hardcore heli,
and it's always been a bit dweeby for frontline psychopaths like Vortex and Blades,
but like, Moonheart's the uptight dorky one with a clipboard!
Of course she hasn't got a gatling gun!
So yes, overplayed and easy-mode as her mould may be, Moonheart's just such an absolute charmer!
Like, everything from her unassuming form and her boring role in the group
to her delightful colours and precious name, she's just the queen of my heart.
I mean - moshpits and beer and rocket launchers, grrr.
Movin' on then, this is Lunaclub, who I'm sure you'll notice is also a helicopter
which I'm tempted to believe was down to a clerical error
with that fan poll asking the same question twice in a row, but whatever the case,
Victorion and subsequently Megatronia were both awkwardly forced
to take Combiner Wars to its logical conclusion by including a pair of repaints in the same box!
So this peachy princess is apparently the twin sister of Moonheart
which is about all you can do to justify two of the same thing in a five-person team
and I suppose it gives the whole thing a sort of cosy, close-knit family vibe
but it does take the absolute piss.
Anyway, li'l Club Sandwich here is canonically an obsessive Starscream stalkery superfan
which might not be the cringiest thing in TF lore but it's up there.
She's at least lookin' feisty with her salmony styles and red-hot shutter shades
but aside from that, and her little sisterly sapphire being on the other side,
she's pretty much identical to Moonheart.
So, we're done!
Now then, introducing Trickdiamond, alleged co-conspirator of Swindle
and box-shaped beauty based on the Breakdown bot.
Now, this is probably my least favourite of the Combiner car types -
like, I really wasn't a fan of Breakdown or Sunstreaker with their stunted, planky arms and dumpy calf clumps
but it does work a little better here.
Could be the bonus detail, could be that slimming black,
could be that adorable but slightly spooked-looking Geisha ladybug headbean
but check it out! Little Tricky D's definitely lookin' super badass in this hazardous yellow
with her subtle silver midriff and cheeky A-cups.
Love the open hands there - they've actually all got these
and it just gives 'em a touch more penache over the lads' lumpen fistholes.
Dunno what that weapon is, but it looks expensive.
Some kind of jewelled brass leaf-mallet-shield?
Iunno.
It's all a bit skin-deep though, 'cos at its core, this yellow diamond's just a bit of a clod.
I mean she's so bottom-heavy and never really looks cool
and the hips just sort of bimble about on this weird little ass axis
Still, though, she's definitely a sweet little Deceptisister and, like, the best one of this one?
Transformation's sort of half interesting.
Like, the top end's very much a standard tuck'n'flop
but the shins bust out like a neato simulflip and those weird hips just turn it out!
And oh baby, the car mode is totally sick!
It's just a super badass hardcore-ass diabolical-ass Lamborjayjay
with, like, none of the dumb tampos or weak-ass plastic that plagued the others.
Check out that frantically fierce front end slopin' up like a shark!
I feel like it's pissed off at me.
Wheels are wonderfully free and substantially rolly and the pimp-ass rims are just dope as hell!
Doesn't sound right with a British voice, does it?
So yeah man, I reckon this little diamond dog's the resident bad bitch, and I reckon I like it!
Which is impressive, 'cos this mould's definitely been an underperformer for me.
Wow. Imagine liking something so little you only buy it three times.
Which leads me to one of the prettiest modern sports car Transformers I've ever seen
with the absolute unqualified stupidest name in the universe!
(Flowspade!?)
Flowspade!?
Oh no spade.
Yeah, so turns out these four twisted sisters are apparently named after a deck of cards -
LunaCLUB, TrickDIAMOND, you get it -
and judgin' by the ninja mask, I'm guessin' the "flow" part has something to do with skilful, stealthy smoothness?
At least I HOPE so.
So I GUESS the name at least came from somewhere sincere, but it just sounds dumb!
I can't do anything about it!
So anyway, little Mensestrowel here is mates with Shockwave, or somethin',
and is the umpteenth iteration of the mercilessly overused but nonetheless marvellous Dead End mould
which must be nice for Dead End, considering he normally ends up being the repaint
rather than spawning an army of 'em.
Seriously, it's gettin' like the Pink Panther 'round here.
[to Pink Panther tune] #Dead End, Dead End,#
#Dead End, Dead End, Dead End, Dead End, Dead Eeeenndddd#
What is my life?
But in certain cases, too much of a good thing can be an awesome thing!
I mean, this is an inescapably sublime little figure, even like, independent of the whole Combiner Wars thing!
Despite havin' to do four modes, it totally holds its own against any mainline carformer
with like, impeccable posability, super satisfying simplicity of form,
and just an incorrigable innate confidence! That's my kinda woman!
And Flowspade's lookin' exceptionally sharp in her gothy getup, all dreamy purples and velvety blacks,
Not totally sure what the craic is with this boomerang knuckleduster, but she's workin' it.
Love that intricate Vader-esque chest panel and the not-Nightbird ninja noggin!
And that's another thing, actually - I'm really glad they didn't just do Nightbird
'cos with that headsculpt and the Decepticon girl theme they so easily could have
but they didn't, and the gal we got instead is my absolute
...way-fuh?
Waiiyyfuuoo?
That transformation just rolls right out of me, man.
I mean, yeah, by now I've done it four hundred infinity trillion times, but it still feels good!
Like, it's such a smooth operator -
all the parts clunk satisfyingly into place and it feels cleverer than it needs to be
and the car mode's just pure goddamn plastic perfection!
This has just gotta be one of the sweetest Transformer car modes I can think of
with its smooth, flowy form and sumptuous, wavy lines
and thank God Flowspade got to bring the fabulous with the original Dead End slickmobile
rather than its lumpy overdesigned cousin -
re-shell? Are we calling it a re-shell?
But yes - this thing is no joke, man.
It's just hypnotically alive, like an intense amethyst animal with a gleefully wild streak
and a body to die for!
Chuck in a cheeky bonus hovercar mode and I am all yours.
And that's all the limb ladies!
Now, as a lowly scrublord westerner,
I'm used to my Combiner clubs coming with a little Legends-sized mascot tagalong
but apparently they don't do that in Japan, which is fine, 'cos it'd probably be a Groove type, and Groove suuucks.
Which brings us magnificently to:
Introducing the ostentatiously-monickered and positively magnetic Megaempress,
the absolute heart and soul of this sweet sister squad,
built from the iron and Energon of Megatron himself or some stupid thing
but honestly, for all the sense these bios make, she might as well be the lovechild of Louis CK and Waluigi.
So this hellacious anti-heroine follows the formula of the Onslaught/Hot Spot/Pyra Magna bossbot
and as such, she's certainly a commanding presence!
Like, she cuts a pretty imposing figure, with a pleasingly trad block-bot physiology.
Like, check out these polygonal shoulder slabs and mighty moon boots!
Joints are an absolute joy as well!
Like, a lot of these ratchets have to bear the strain of the combined mode, so they're like hypercharged!
She goin' nowhere!
So, for the full femme outfit then, Megaempress borrows Pyra Magna's slimline chestplate
with the suggested midriff and subtle Fort Max cameo
as well as a splendidly sympathetic top-tier head sculpt
with its astro-valkyrie helmet and triumphant crest!
And that face is so sweet and compassionate, it's almost impossible to see her as a baddie!
That's how they getcha.
And like, there's definitely somethin' about these colours that just instantly lends her a certain gravitas.
I dunno if it's, like, Pavlovian at this point, but for me this colour scheme just oozes authority and pride
and a certain relentlessness, and she is just servin' it up!
And I gotta tell ya, I'm livin' for this premium paint job!
Like the silver's just shriekin', reds pop out like cheeky blush bombs,
and they've even coloured in the goddamn kibble struts!
That is luxury! I feel a bit underdressed.
Anyway, as a responsible, goal-oriented team leader, Megaempress comes armed with this kickaxe pickass!
I mean pickass kickaxe.
There's something very Soul Calibur about this, isn't there?
Like, it's just so huge and spiky and profoundly threatening that I love that it's called
Oh, Japan. Never change!
So yes, Megaempress packs in a righteously rambunctious robot mode!
Just a shame it's stapled to this round-the-back kibble stack.
Dismissive smirk!
So she folds up real fast with a stretch and a squat into a fire truck, kind of?
This truck mode really ain't much cop, I'm afraid.
Like, I suppose the front end looks kinda neat and it's a good Voyager size and all that
but it's just a bit bollocks, really.
Like, she's packin' not one but two barely concealed faces,
she's got her fingers hangin' down like a fancy mudflap,
and the ladder's more of an ugly scaffold that only really comes to life
when you drop the charade and get the face out.
#Robots in disguiiise!#
But come on, it's a Combiner! This is like the third most important thing she does.
She's got a lot on! Leave her alone.
And that's our star!
Megaempress is just a massively charismatic matriarch
and she scales up just perfectly with her Titans hubby for a perf power couple!
And, I mean, if we're gonna do a female Megatron, I'd much rather do it like this than like THIS.
Mmm, bleach.
All right - let's do this!
#All I wanna do is see you turn into a giant woman#
#A giant woman#
#All I wanna be is someone who gets to see a giant woman#
#All I wanna do is help you turn into a giant woman#
#A giant woman#
#All I wanna be is someone who gets to see a giant woman#
So the combination's nice and doable,
with the Deluxe dudettes bustin' out these stumpy comboners 2015 style!
And it all slots comfortably together with these front- and top-loading combiner vaginas
which are old news by now, but - can I just say - genius.
And with a classic Protectobot ladder-noggin-reacharound,
Megaempress somehow completely changes colour!
Yes indeed, check out this bodacious beshemoth!
She's a babe. She's a robo-babe!
She's friggin' Robert Mugababe!
So as the first official Decepticon combiness,
Megatronia definitely brings the requisite deluge of raw super robot power
and ridiculous, camped-up showboating
lookin' stacked and ready to crush in this eruption of volatile neon
with this bright pink beefslab of a bod!
Head's lookin' truly outrageous there, with this ridiculous Mardi Gras headdress and giant forehead gem
and that breathtaking transblucent visor adorning a seriously statuesque lady mush
and is it just me, or is that a super secret suggested Deceptisigil?
So, as per gimmick requirements, the limb friends can do both an arm and a leg and go wherever you want
but we'll keep it vanilla today, 'cos, how long have you got?
So Moonheart and Lunaclub are bringin' the symmetry there, with their bum-end rotors peacockin' out the top
like a pair of disembodied voodoo eyes, with like heavy mascara flicks?
This is kinda cool though, 'cos normally a copterbot makes for a fairly messy and weedy arm
but with two of 'em, it actually kinda works!
Meanwhile, Diamondhead and Flow-jo are gettin' their shins on down there
with their car kibble bunched up the front like some nastily knobbly knees.
Anyway, rather than the standard quad-changing hand-foot-guns,
Ms. Megs gets a sweet mani-pedi with these handsome hands and pointy pumps!
The hands are rather charmingly studious, with flexible fingers for making pertinent points -
pretty much the exact opposite to Computron's brutalist thumpcubes.
And these fashion-forward feeties are actually super useful!
Like, with the other Combiners, it's difficult to stop 'em leaning rather too much on the shelf
but with these you can kinda point the toe and counter cant the clumsy
...klutz.
Love the cheeky magenta action stripe there - what is that, "W"?
For "Wunite Warriors"? Or "Woman"?
Or like, if she's lookin' down at it, maybe it's "M" for "Megatronia"?
Or just, "Mm".
Bit of a stretch, that one.
[chuckles]
So whichever way you wanna set 'er up, articulation's actually fairly fierce!
Like, these Combiner ratchets are rockin' some serious range,
with monstrous rotators and extreme tilt-me-do's.
So with that and the fresh extremities, she's actually fairly expressive for a Combiner.
Most of the others are just walking catastrophes so the fact she can kind of emote is somethin' else, dog!
Like, me personally, I'm still pretty impressed that every Deluxe can pull off an elbow joint
- I'm a simple man.
Plus, I definitely appreciate the absence of that fifth-wheel Legends dickhead clutterin' up the place!
I mean why would you ever wanna cover up that giant techno love heart?
I guess you could be like, "Groove is in the heart",
but like, not worth it.
All right, it's kinda worth it.
And as the nicing on the cake, the individual girls' weapons can cluster up
into this spectacular Broadway broadsword!
What is that, where Des's go to die?
Come on, this is just insane with its dazzling pink dual blade and bejazzled copper heart!
Like, it just cascades late-game Final Fantasy fabulosity and I am feelin' it!
But I think what I love most about Megatronia is this weirdly cohesive colour scheme.
Like it's so strikingly chic, with each bot representin' its individual colours -
Trickdiamond's fresh yellow, Lunaclub's peachy salmon, Megaempress's cheeky silver crotch,
but it's all kind of cemented as one with the consistent heavy black accents
and like, you don't even get that power punch of pink until it becomes Megatronia!
Like, Victorion went for the uniform with the shared colour scheme, and I get it,
but I feel like this is kinda more meaningful.
Like a five-way fusion of different personalities pourin' their minds and their strength and their faith
into each other to form something new that they all need and they all believe in
It says, "We are all here, and we are all THIS."
Right? Am I going too far with this?
I just really like it!
So yes, Unite Warriors Megatronia absolutely slaps and she's definitely my new favourite Combiner of all time!
...For now. For a bit.
I mean, before she came along, I was just so done with Combiner Wars
and I just don't feel like I need any more Combiners ever, ever, ever, amen
but I do leave the Combiner phenomenon with much warmer feelings!
Like, it's just so refreshing and satisfyingly silly and all about the good times -
she's just an absurd shock of unfiltered flamboyance in a sea of super-serious Deceptiblokes
and that's precisely what I need right now.
Shantay, you stay.
All right, we did it! We did the Megatronia video!
Woohoohoo!
See you in eight months.
#Oh, I know it'll be great and I just can't wait to see#
#the person you are together#
#If you'd give it a chance you could do a huge dance#
#because you are a giant woman#
[song fades out]