so today I want to share with you the most common reasons that people think boundaries
don't work now two of these two of the top four represent a pretty fundamental misunderstanding
of boundaries so I think that's really useful to think about and to know one of them I think
is pretty valid I do think it is a reason that boundaries sometimes don't work and
the other one is kind of in between so before we go there I'd like you to think about when
your boundaries don't work what is the reason what do you think the reason is
foreign so comment below before I even give you the top Choices put a comment below as to the
reason you think boundaries don't work and then when we get to the end of the video we'll see
if you've changed your mind or not now one reason I'm tackling this now is that we are moving into
the holiday season in the U.S and around the world and the holidays are filled with boundary
violations so I think that understanding some of these fundamental concepts might help you navigate
the holiday season a little bit easier this year and hopefully help you navigate them a little bit
easier throughout the year all right let's get started so the information I'm sharing with you
today is from a poll that I did within the last few months about why people think boundaries don't
work and the top four reasons were mentioned by more than 50 percent of people okay so the two
top reasons were mentioned by 70 of people and then the next two were mentioned by 50 of people
so I'm going to start with number four and number four is that boundaries don't work because they
don't change the other person so this is something that is very common obviously more than 50 percent
of people thought this was the reason they don't work but it reflects a fundamental
misunderstanding of boundaries because we don't get to use boundaries to control other people in
fact we can't control other people sometimes if we're in a good enough relationship and we have a
healthy discussion about boundaries yes sometimes people adapt and change and modify their behavior
for us but often they don't and whether they do or not is not about whether the boundary worked right
so the discussion with the person was productive if you're able to set a boundary and they adapt
their behavior but the boundaries about what you are willing to accept and not willing to
accept what you're willing to do and not willing to do the boundaries are about your values and who
you are so if you attempt to set a boundary with somebody who ignores it and will not change their
behavior for you the true boundary is going to be around a boundary for yourself and about yourself
because if we are dealing with somebody who's been been crossing boundaries in certain ways forever
right and maybe they've even been crossing our boundaries forever they're unlikely to change so
what are we going to do about it that's what the boundaries are so beginning to shift your thinking
around boundaries to what can I do about this situation what's within my control and what are
my boundaries what choices can I make and let go of whether the other person changes their behavior
or not and let go of the thought that the boundary doesn't work because the other person doesn't
change and of course we love it when people adapt to us we love it when we're able to set
a boundary or discuss an issue with somebody and they understand and they respect and they change
and yeah those are the best relationships those are the healthy relationships right and those are
important and that's great when that works and that's great when it happens that way but when
the other person doesn't change it does not mean the boundary hasn't worked it means we're setting
a boundary for somebody else which we really can't do we have to set the boundary for ourselves okay
hope that made sense moving up to number three which was very close to number four but the
number three reason people said that boundaries don't work is that they end up in an argument
with the other person trying to convince them that the boundary is reasonable so rather than making
any progress on the boundary or unchanging your own behavior or changing your situation you are
arguing with this person to convince them that the boundary is reasonable the other person does
not have to agree that the boundary is reasonable and again sure it's really nice when they do and
with the people who are flexible and adaptive and empathetic and we have a good relationship
with them generally if we can express our boundary clearly enough which foreshadows on another reason
people State about boundaries but before we go there if we can express our boundaries clearly
enough and the other person is a reasonable person who cares about us and wants the relationship
to work yeah probably there'll be some room for adaptation and negotiation and even if they don't
completely agree with our point of view they will validate it right but those are not the people we
end up in problems in boundary problems with we end up in problems with people who don't think
our boundaries are reasonable who don't think that our need for self-care is reasonable or
our desire not to engage in a particular activity or behavior is reasonable those are the people we
end up in a problem with and we get stuck trying to convince them they don't need to be convinced
you have limited time limited energy and you're spending it on something if you're doing that
which probably is not going to end well so again if your boundaries are for you and about you
nobody can really disagree with that and if they do well too bad their problem so what would be an
example of this an example of this might be to say to somebody you know you get really kind of
nasty after you have a drink or two so I really don't want to talk to you after five o'clock I'm
only going to call you in the morning and if that person pushes back and says well first of
all you're totally wrong I don't get nasty after a drink and I think you're way too sensitive okay
I'm still only going to call you in the morning right and that boundary can work even if that
person doesn't change when they drink or their mood change when they had a drink and they don't
have to agree with it and they might bring it up every time that they talk to us they're like hey
you don't call me in the evening anymore nope we talked about that they don't have to agree
with your boundary so let me know if this has resonating or making any sense to you but anyway
both of those reasons 50 of people felt that those were reasons that their boundaries didn't work
okay the number one reason people stated that they felt that their own boundaries don't work which 75
percent of people in the poll said that this was a reason is that they can't express it in the right
way now this is the one that I said might be true but might not be true it is super helpful
to use assertive language when you set a boundary not passive not aggressive not passive aggressive
but assertive clear calm language that really really helps so if people feel like they can't
do that then okay yeah I would say that would be something to work on to improve your ability to
set boundaries but unfortunately I think a lot of people think they're not saying it in the right
way because the other person doesn't understand or because the other person doesn't agree with it so
we're right back to the last one right it's really about how can I say this so this person in my life
thinks I'm reasonable how can I say it so they understand my feelings how can I say it so that
they validate me well maybe there is no way to say it for them to understand there's no way to say it
that they are going to validate it or agree with it it's unrelated to how you say it so if that is
one of the reasons that you think boundaries don't work for you think that through are you expecting
an unrealistic end game in terms of how you're saying it or are you really losing your temper or
disappearing or being too vague in which case yep you could work on how you state your boundaries
okay by the way if you are getting information that's valuable to you out of this video I would
love it if you would hit that like button it's a big help for me and subscribe to my channel if
you're not subscribed okay one of the top reasons people stated that I think is super valid and this
reason got 70 percent of the vote for from people right and people could vote on more than one thing
obviously I should have said that to begin with because some people checked many of these but
these were the ones that they checked okay so 70 percent of people said that boundaries don't work
for them because they're automatic reactions get in the way and that's a hundred percent true so if
you've watched some of my other boundary material you'll know that I really focus on the importance
of emotional regulation and emotional regulation is about how we regulate those extremes of emotion
how do we calm ourselves down whether we tend to get angry whether we tend to freeze fight or flee
right all of those are automatic reactions that absolutely get in the way of our having healthy
boundaries so kudos to the 70 of people who said that it's their automatic reactions that get in
the way and that is also something you can do something about so I want to briefly really
talk about how you can bring some of these understandings into your interactions with
friends and family members and co-workers but before I do that I just want to mention briefly
I do have a quiz what's your boundary personality type and this quiz identifies really your positive
self-statement that might be driving certain automatic reactions and automatic patterns that
are actually getting you into trouble and most of these positive self-statements also reflect some
type of negative core belief so it's kind of a fun quiz I think you get very valid information out of
it and I send you some myth busting tips on having healthier boundaries so try the quiz the link is
in the description to this video alright so moving forward over the next few weeks whether you are
going into the holidays with the family of origin or simply a small group of friends or possibly
yourself right not everybody gets together with others during the holidays but if you can bring
these Concepts into your interactions bring in the thought that how you emotionally regulate so
if you're on your way into a stressful situation breathe diaphragmatically take some deep breaths
do some grounding do some calming physiologically calming exercises before going in and try to
maintain it while you're there it will make a huge difference if you are anticipating something and
you're already getting revved up whether it's with anxiety or anger or whatever it is only going to
get worse once you get there so the more you can kind of slow your reactions the better it will
go and then also if you begin to think about what can I do for myself to make this situation better
and let go of whether it changes the other person or not all right so I'm going to link
a handful of my other videos on boundaries here and here and over there and I greatly
appreciate the fact that you spend your precious time with me on my channel thanks so much bye-bye