- As a Jew, we weren't told what the Christmas spirit was.
My dad wouldn't even say the word "Christmas"
because it contained the word "Christ" in it.
For real, he literally pronounced Christmas
"Croshmere."
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[cheers and applause]
He's got his own podcast called the "Skeptic Tank."
Please give it up for Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody.
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Okay, what do you guys think people like saying better?
You think people like saying "merry Christmas" better
or "happy Hanukkah"?
crowd: Christmas.
- Overwhelming Christmas, huh?
You fucking anti-Semites.
All right. Fair enough.
Yeah, I think it's Christmas too.
I was in New York this year.
It was my first time being in New York for Christmas.
I've always been in LA
for, like, the Christmas season,
which is the best time of the year here,
'cause everyone leaves.
So this place is at, like, 30% capacity.
You can find parking spots. It's fucking wonderful.
Like, oh, this is how the city was built,
for this amount of people. It's great.
But I was in New York, and in New York,
they doll up the streets.
They put, like, Christmas lights all over, and for the first time
in my life I got the Christmas spirit.
Yeah, I'd never gotten it before.
As a Jew, we weren't told what the Christmas spirit was.
My dad wouldn't even say the word "Christmas"
because it contained the word "Christ" in it.
For real, he literally pronounced Christmas
"Croshmere."
Yeah, he wouldn't say it with any sort of spite.
He was just like, "I'm not saying that fucking word, so...
what are you guys doing for your Chroshmere break?"
[laughs] I forgot about that.
And...and so I never got the Christmas spirit before.
And listen, you guys, Christians,
you've done a lot of fucking...
shady shit over the years.
But Christmas spirit, I've got no problem at all with that.
That's just nice. It's when you hold the door open
for somebody and go, "Merry Christmas."
And then they go in, they go, "Merry Christmas to you."
And the first year in New York, for the first time,
I got the Christmas spirit.
And I would hold the door open
for everybody all the time.
I'd be like, "Merry Christmas,"
and they'd look at me like,
"Are you s--'cause... you're very--"
I'm like, "I'm not mocking you,"
and they're like, "All right,
I'll go in. You're holding the door open."
Anyway, so my first year I got the Christmas spirit,
and this year was one of those years where Hanukkah
and Christmas overlapped.
It was, like, Christmas fell on, like, the fourth day
of Hanukkah, and this was, like, three or four days.
The first night of Hanukkah I was walking down my block
in New York and I passed some guy on the street,
and he goes, "Hey, can I use your cell phone?"
It was, like, some Persian or Armenian guy or something.
It's got nothing to do with the story.
I don't know why-- straight racism.
There's no reason to say that at all.
[laughs]
It has nothing to do with it, but anyway,
he goes, "Can I use your cell phone?"
And you know when a stranger asks you to use your cell phone,
that means that's the guy who's about to steal your cell phone.
Yeah, like, sure, guy with brand new Nikes on.
I'm sure I'll give this to you.
But I have a flip phone, so I'm like,
"Yeah, I'll call your bluff."
[laughter]
You know? What, are you gonna risk jail
and run away for a fucking $19 piece of
equipment you don't know how to use?
So I was like, "Here you go." And so he goes--he opened it.
He--like, "How do you-- how do you use this?"
And I was like, "Got to flip it open."
He goes, "It opens?"
I'm like, "Yeah, man. It's great."
And so he dials-- and then he goes,
he dialed some number and he goes, "Hey,
"it's the delivery guy. I'm downstairs.
I got your food."
He had a bag of food on him. He was a delivery guy.
I was like, "Oh, cool."
And then he handed me back the phone.
He goes, "Thanks." I was like, "Hey, man.
Merry Christmas."
And he goes, "Merry Christmas to you."
Felt great.
I felt like Martin Luther King, Jr.
I don't want to go too far, but about that level.
And then--and then I walked away feeling great about myself.
Did a good deed for the year.
And--and then I got about three--
two, three blocks away, and my phone rang,
and it was the same number, I guess,
that that guy had called.
He was calling me back.
And I was like, "Hello?"
And he goes--and then the guy on it goes, "Where are you?"
[scattered laughter]
And I didn't want to get involved, you know?
So I was just like, "I'm right downstairs."
[laughter]
And he goes, "Where? I don't see you."
And I'm like, "I don't know. I'm right here, man."
[laughter]
And he's like, "What do you look like?"
I'm like, "I don't know.
I'm, like, Persian or Armenian or something."
[laughter]
"I've got a--maybe a hoodie or a jacket.
I forget now."
[laughter]
And he goes, "Well, I'm downstairs.
I don't see anybody like that."
I was like, "All right, well"-- I told him like,
"Listen, man, I'm not the guy."
And he's like, "What? What do you mean?"
I'm like, "I'm not the delivery guy."
And he was like, "I just talked to you."
And I'm like, "You didn't.
"You talked to someone with a Persian or Armenian accent
"for sure. It was not me.
"I gave my phone to the delivery guy.
"He didn't have a cell phone.
"I don't know if you're familiar with the works
"of Martin Luther King, Jr., but I'm a lot like him,
"and I let the guy use my cell phone,
and then he called you."
And the guy couldn't wrap his head around it.
He's like, "What? Wait. What?"
He's like, "Where's my food?"
I'm like, "It's right downstairs on 12th and B.
"There's a guy standing out there
with a bag of what I believe is your sandwich."
And he goes, "Well, I'm on 13th and B."
I'm like, "Oh." [laughs]
"Well, you are one block away from your food."
[laughter]
Then he goes, "What do you want me to do?"
I'm like, "I don't care what you do, really.
"But if you want your food, I would say start walking
"to 12th and B 'cause it's there waiting for you,
"and the guy who has it has no cell phone,
so he's not gonna be able to contact you."
And he's like-- he was, like, real--a dick then.
He's like, "Well, I'm not paying for this."
I'm like, "Yeah. As an American, I don't think you should."
He was all mad-- still mad at me,
like I had something to do with it.
I'm not. I'm just a good person.
And he goes, "Well, can you go tell him?"
Like, "Nah, nah, nah.
"Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
"I'm, like, three blocks away.
"You're one block away.
"You're way closer, and if you find him,
"you get a sandwich out of it.
I don't get anything out of it if I find him."
And then he said it's ridiculous.
I'm like, "Yeah, sure it is."
And then he made a series of noises for the next
30 or 40 seconds.
Just like... [huffing]
"Bro, I mean"--
[huffing]
Just the sound of white injustice.
[laughter]
You know?
It's like when they don't accept your expired coupon.
You're like, "What the f--what--
I mean, Papa John's would take it."
I don't think so, but all right.
And then there was nothing else to say, you know?
There was nothing else to do, so eventually I just told--
I was like, "Okay, well"-- I was like,
"I'm getting off the phone now."
And he goes, "Yeah, I bet."
I'm like--
and I'm like, "Well, happy Hanukkah."
[laughter]
And he goes, "Fuck you."
[laughter]
And then he hung up.
And that's how I know people like saying "merry Christmas"
better than "happy Hanukkah."