- Hey, Psych2goers, welcome back.
What do you think makes a parent toxic?
Most people would say
it's being narcissistic and controlling,
while others might answer
being too harsh and overly critical.
Abuse, be it physical, mental, or emotional,
and neglect certainly plays a big part too
in what you would consider toxic.
But what about some of the less obvious
and easy to spot signs?
What about the red flags so subtle
we don't even see them?
Let's talk about it.
Here are seven subtle signs your parent may be toxic.
Number one, they're unsupportive
and don't believe in you.
Have your parents ever been unsupportive
of something you wanted to do
or discouraged you from doing
the things that make you happy?
Do they belittle your dreams
and undermine your accomplishments?
Did they tell you things like
you're just wasting your time with that
when you should be doing this instead.
While it's normal for parents
and their children to disagree,
a parent should never make their child
feel like they're not good enough
to achieve their dreams,
or that what they want doesn't matter.
Number two, they expect the worst from you.
Another warning sign that your parents are toxic for you
is if they're constantly expecting the worst from you.
Breathing down your neck and jumping at the chance
to see you mess up.
They don't afford you any freedom to make mistakes
and learn from them,
because they immediately jump
to the worst conclusions about you.
They can't forgive you for your past mistakes
and refuse to believe that you've changed,
or at the very least,
that you're trying to.
And their lack of support and low expectations
do nothing but hold you back even more.
Three, they pressure and overburden you.
The pressure of living up
to your parents' expectations weighs heavy on every child,
especially for those who excel at school
or have a lot of talent.
Parents often push their children
to work hard and do their best
because they wanna see them realizing
their fullest potential.
But there's a difference between encouraging
your child and overburdening them.
So if you feel a lot of pressure from your parents
to be the very best at everything you do,
because anything short of perfect
would be a terrible disappointment to them,
then they're doing more harm than good
to your mental health.
Number four, they make you the parent.
Do you often feel like the roles have reversed
between you and your parents,
and more often than not,
you're the one who ends up taking care of them?
Parents who are neglectful,
careless, and irresponsible,
leave their children to pick up their slack.
And having to grow up before you're ready
and be the parent at a young age
can have a lot of negative repercussions,
such as elevated levels of anxiety,
depression, and neuroticism.
Many parentified children also tend to grow up
to be people-pleasers
who gravitate towards emotionally dependent
and exploitative partners and friends.
Number five, they're emotionally dependent on you.
Another subtle sign that your parents are toxic
is if they're emotionally dependent on you.
Now, this can be hard to spot
because oftentimes we simply excuse
these problematic behaviors as a sign
that our parents love us too much.
But when they start to become
too clingy, needy, or possessive
to the point where it seems like you're their
one and only source of happiness and fulfillment,
and should therefore be at their constant beck and call,
it traps you in a vicious,
unhealthy cycle of codependency
that sucks all your time, attention and energy.
Number six, they don't communicate with you.
The foundation of any strong,
positive social relationship, communication.
Communication is an integral life skill
for anyone to have.
But if you struggle to express yourself
and speak openly about what you think and feel,
it might be because you grew up with parents
who struggled to communicate with you.
Maybe it was because they felt awkward
and didn't know how to talk to you about serious issues,
or thought that simply not speaking about it
would eventually make it go away.
Maybe they'd give you the cold shoulder treatment
to manipulate you into doing as they say,
or express their disappointment in you.
Whatever their reasons might be,
the bottom line is there's no excuse
for cutting off communication with your child.
And number seven, they use you as a pawn in their problems.
If your parents use you as a pawn in their own problems,
then they are no doubt, toxic parents.
This is something that commonly happens
in unhappy marriages or divorce families.
Often parents will argue with one another
about who knows best for their child,
who their child likes more,
who's the better parent, and so on.
And treat you more like a bargaining chip than a child.
So do you relate to any of these things
we've mentioned here?
Has watching this video made you understand
a little bit better about
how your struggles of growing up
with a toxic parent affected you?
As American author, Susan Forward once said,
"People can forgive toxic parents,
"but they should do it at the conclusion
"and not at the beginning
"of their emotional housecleaning.
"It's okay to get angry about what happened to you,
"to grieve over the fact that you never
"had the parental love that you yearned for."
So if you or anyone you know
is seriously struggling because of a toxic relationship,
be it with your parents or otherwise,
then don't hesitate to reach out
to a mental health care professional today and seek help.
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Thanks for watching and we'll see you next time.