- The reason why I wanted to do this video Joshua...
- Yeah.
- Is because in the BuzzFeed universe,
you are this action-y, star, muscle strong guy
and people will always ask me questions
because they know that we've known each other for a while.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And they're very surprised to learn
that you used to be a husky kid.
- You know back then we called it fat kid,
I don't know if that's PC,
but being a former fat kid, I'm still part of the club,
so I feel like I can use that language.
- So can I ask you some-- - Yeah.
- Questions about you being a former fat kid?
- Yeah, let's get into it.
- Okay.
So Ray, take us to the timeline.
- The timeline, here we go.
So about seven, I think is when I started to get chubby
and from that point on I kind of just embraced it.
I was like well alright then I'm going to be chubby.
So I would eat my lunch and then I would sit there
and wait until friends, or other people were done
and then I would eat their lunches also.
They would call me the trash can
because they would be like "Hey trash can here's mine"
and I'd be like "bring it on".
I could like grab my stomach fat
and like, I would make like faces out of it
and like entertain them.
- Wait, did that make you feel bad at all?
- It was like a role,
I stepped into it and took ownership of it
because it was and identity almost, where people were like,
well at least they're like you know, noticing me
and also at that time when I was seven too, it was like,
you know, divorce, new school, didn't know anybody,
so I'm like the loner new kid there.
- So I'm just going to embrace whatever my--
- Yeah. - Brand is.
- So yeah, it became a thing that I remember,
that I weighed 100 pounds in third grade
and the lady weighing me was like, "Oh."
- And then to top it off, to make things worse,
your dad, was like a body builder, wasn't he?
- Oh, oh yeah, let me just say,
the family that I was born into, on both sides,
now I'm born, I'm half black and I'm half white.
You get to see both sides of my family
and my genetics are fantastic, huge blessing.
My uncle played in the NBA.
My other uncle was a, like a power lifter.
Studs.
Studly men.
I was the fat kid, it was me.
So I did not fit in.
My brother Jason had the best abs in our high school,
he was like known to,
at least that's the way I heard it from other people.
And there would be like girls and even some dudes,
who would be like, "Yo, your brothers abs are like that,
why aren't yours like that"
- That would drive me crazy.
- Awe and then I'm just sitting there in class like,
I don't know.
When kids would make fun
my brother wouldn't go hard on it.
He might kick it off like playfully with me,
saying something that he knows isn't going to bother me,
but he says it in front of this group
and then it turns into all of a sudden,
10 people are making fun of me.
- Yup.
- And he wouldn't say anything to stop it
and he'd be there laughing and almost egging it on.
Well that hurt and that was hard.
Luckily, we're best friends now,
we've gotten over that.
- Are there any notable memories you have
from your formative fat years?
- Yeah,
the lack of comfort in my own skin.
Always, you know, doing, doing this
- Yeah.
- Because you don't want your shirt to stick
to tightly to your rolls or anything.
- Yeah.
- By the time I got to high school,
I would wear these, these like tight undershirts.
They were like extra tight,
so they would kind of hold everything in under.
- Yeah, like Spanx. - Like almost, yeah.
I was ahead of the game, I was spanking before,
okay that's not, that's not what we,
that's not what we, anyway, anyway, moving on.
It was funny as I got older was when it started,
the conversations and the comments started to come more.
To be honest with you.
- I don't like that it happened,
but I've cussed out or yelled at
almost every member of my immediate family;
my dad, my mom, even my grandmother
because of something they said about my weight
when I was in that place.
They all said things that were so hurtful.
They didn't mean to though, they were looking out for me.
And it weighed on me, but I was so broken
and insecure that I didn't know what to do with that,
so I just kept eating.
- There are people that treated you
a certain way when you were heavy
and then a different way when you lost wight.
- By the time I started loosing weight, yeah,
you think of everybody that's ever said anything to you.
It creates a little bit of bitterness, you know
and it's a weird thing to go from one thing to the other
and see peoples reactions that
have known you the entire time.
It was a sobering feeling.
I remember being at this party
and expecting to feel really good about it.
look at me know, look at the attention.
and the attention that I got was cool,
but even though that's what I wanted,
when I got it, it didn't feel good.
- Yeah
- Because you knew it wasn't,
You were like "I haven't really changed,
just the outside has", and all of a sudden,
I'm being treated completely different.
To see girls that wouldn't give you the time of day before,
all of a sudden, wow my jokes are funny now,
that's interesting.
- Yeah, your jokes are never funny.
- That's, dammit.
I empathize on the full spectrum
of what it's like to be a heavy person
because the hardest part is actually
taking that first step toward it.
Awe, it feels so far away
and then after the first workout,
you're like, that was just the first,
I have this much further to go, are you kidding me?
Even that first week of a diet
you feel miserable, it's so hard.
Which is why I got to a place where I had to
make it just a part of my lifestyle
and it wasn't a diet for six weeks.
It wasn't a workout program for six weeks.
It's like, no this is what I do daily,
this is my routine, you have to build it in.
I'm not afraid that I'm going to--
- Wake up unhealthy. - Yeah, wake up unhealthy
and like my lifestyle is going to change.
It's not a fear, it's almost just like,
there's no way I am going back.
It's that thing to of once you taste it,
the attention that you get when people
see your new body, right.
Then you're kind of,
you're not necessarily even running away from this thing,
you're making sure like I wanna keep getting this.
Eventually the compliments and the admiration you get
from like this new body. - Yeah.
- You realize how much is shallow and doesn't really matter
and doesn't really tie into who you are as a person.
- Yeah.
- That's when you find the balance
and say "I do this for me."
I eat healthy because that's what feels good
and what I know I should do.
I work out because I enjoy it
because I get to challenge myself
and make myself better every single day.
That's why I do those things now.
Back then it came from having a chip on my shoulder,
being insecure and feeling like I had something to prove.
Now I'm proving nothing to anybody except myself.
I look at the experience that I went through
of being a fat kid as a blessing
because it helped to connect with people in a different way
and have empathy for people that are going through things.
When you've gone through that.
- Yeah.
- You have to learn how to find
your self-value in a different way
than people that haven't gone through that.
People almost put you in a place when you're fat kid
and kind of be like
"This is where you are on the totem pole".
Okay, and so you have to get yourself out of that mentality
and break free of that. - Yeah.
- Which is why you just have to find that confidence
and self love-- - Yeah.
- Without anybody else and know who you are.
Know what you have to offer because otherwise
you are letting other people determine your happiness
and that's the easiest way to not being happy.
So I just want to say to all the kids out there,
like, yo if you are kind of fat,
if you are overweight,
if you are uncomfortable about the way you look in some way.
You are loved, you are appreciated,
even when you don't know that it's there,
I promise you.
That's one of the crazy things though,
even in the midst of me being like
chubby and overweight and really, really insecure,
I was always confident about my self.
I didn't understand why it was such a big issue
that I was fat because I was like
"But I'm awesome, why does it matter?"
- You're still like that.
- I am though, I am like that.
- Yeah.
(smooth jazz)