FRIDAY IS ALWAYS SPECIAL HERE AT THE "LATE SHOW" BECAUSE EVERY
FRIDAY WE SET UP A HYPOTHETICAL CAGE MATCH BETWEEN TWO THINGS,
DONUT VERSUS BAGEL.
DUCK WITH A CHAINSAW VERSUS CAT WITH A NAIL GUN.
NAIL GUN HAS THE RANGE ADVANTAGE OVER THE CHAINSAW, BUT NEITHER
ANIMAL HAS THE OPPOSABLE THUMBS SO IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL.
THEN WE POST THOSE MATCH-UPS ON TWITTER, AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE
PLACE FOR MINDLESS CONFLICT.
AND YOU, THE PEOPLE, DECIDE THE VICTOR.
THIS IS...
>> Audience: "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH!
OH!
THE PEOPLE-- OH, THE PEOPLE ARE SO EXCITED FOR "FRIDAY NIGHT
FIGHTS."
WELCOME TO "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!"
HODGMAN WENT TOOTH FAIRY, WHO WON WITH 56% OF THE VOTE ON
TWITTER, AND I'M SURE THE TOOTH FAIRY IS OUT THERE SOME PLACE
CELEBRATING BY SNORTING A BIG PILE OF GROUND-UP BABY TEETH.
THAT'S HOW SHE STAYS UP ALL NIGHT.
THE SECOND FIGHT PITTED THE APPLE GENIUS WITH THE SWITCH
BLADE AGAINST A WALMART GREATER WITH A CROSSBOW.
LAUGH HODGMAN PICKED THE WALMART GREETER AND GOT 57% OF THE
VOTES.
SO JOHN HODGMAN BEAT ME IN BOTH FIGHTS.
NO HARD FEELINGS, JOHN.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, CONGRATULATIONS.
I REALLY ENJOYED OUR FRIENDSHIP WHILE IT LASTED.
NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET MY LATEST OPPONENT.
>> HE'S AN ACTOR, WRITER, AND COMEDIAN.
YOU KNOW HIM FROM "MR. SHOW," "BOJACK HORSEMAN," AND NOW AS
THE HOST OF "NO, YOU SHUT UP" ON THE FUSION NETWORK-- IT'S
PAUL F. TOMPKINS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
HELLO.
>> Stephen: ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, PAUL.
>> ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: PAUL, YOU'RE A WORTHY OPPONENT.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT.
WHAT DOES THE "F" STAND FOR IN PAUL F. TOMPKINS
>> FASCISM, IT'S A FAMILY'S NAME.
TONIGHT'S MATCH-UP IS GOING TO FILL YOU WITH CHILDHOOD
NOSTALGIA.
DID YOU HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD?
>> LET ME SAY IT'S GREAT TO BE AN ADULT.
>> Stephen: HOP IN THE STATION WAGON, KIDS, BECAUSE DADDY'S
TAKING YOU TO THE MOST BRUTAL BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER, PITTING
THE ANIMATRONIC CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND VERSUS THE KNIGHTS OF
MEDIEVAL TIMES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MOST BRUTAL EVER.
LET'S GO TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE.
COMING IN AT FIVE MEMBERS STRONG AND A COMBINED WEIGHT OF OVER
1,500 POUNDS OF FUR-COVERED STEEL AND HYDRAULICS, THE
CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND HAS THE DEAD EYES OF A PSYCHOPATH AND
WORKS TOGETHER LIKE A WELL-OILED MACHINE, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
THEY ARE.
STRENGTHS INCLUDE: ROCK AND ROLL ATTITUDE, PERFECT PITCH, AND A
CHEAP WAY TO CONVINCE GULLIBLE CHILDREN THAT YOU TOOK THEM TO
DISNEY WORLD.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE: MY COUSIN LOOKED BEHIND THE CURTAIN ONE
TIME AND TOLD ME THEY WERE JUST SITTING THERE, LOOKING DEAD.
BUT CHUCK AND THE GANG BETTER WATCH OUT BECAUSE THEY'RE UP
AGAINST THE KNIGHTS OF MEDIEVAL TIMES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WEIGHING IN AT OVER 3,000 POUNDS
OF MAN, HORSE, AND FREE SODA REFILLS!
THESE KNIGHTS ARE READY TO JOUST, KILL, AND BUS TABLES IF
BRIAN CALLS IN SICK!
STRENGTHS INCLUDE: ABILILTY TO GO IMMEDIATE EVIL ON YOUR ASS,
AND THE PENT-UP ANGER OF ACTORS WORKING IN DINNER THEATER.
WEAKNESSES INCLUDE: NO KNOWLEDGE OF ACTUAL MEDIEVAL TIMES.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, P.T.F.?
WHICH ONE YOU GOT IN THIS FIGHT?
>> WELL, STEPHEN, I THINK I HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY, 1,000%, THE
CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE CRAZY.
THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND HAS NO WEAPONS.
I'M GOING WITH THE KNIGHTS WHO ARE FULLY ARMORED AND HAVE
SWORDS.
HOW DO YOU BEAT THAT?
>> LET ME ASK YOU THIS-- ARE SWORDS STILL MADE OF METAL?
>> Stephen: YES.
>> OKAY, YOU WANT TO STICK A METAL WEAPON INTO AN OPPONENT
COARSING WITH ELECTRICITY.
WHY DON'T YOU STAY HOME AND JOUST YOUR TOASTER WITH A BUTTER
KNIFE?
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, WHAT I DO IS I TAKE MY PITCHER OF FREE
REFILLS AND I POUR IT INTO THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND, AND THEY
SHORT OUT.
GAME OVER.
>> OH, OKAY.
SO YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO SHORT OUT THESE ROBOTS THAT HAVE
LEARNED HOW TO PLAY A FLYING "V" GUITAR?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THEY HAVEN'T NOW LEARNED TO
SELF-REPAIR?
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T HAVE ANY LEARNING ABILITY.
THEY'RE NOT AN A.I. SYSTEM.
THEY'RE MERELY HYDRAULICS BEING RUN BY A GUY NAMED ANDY, WHO IS
AN 18-YEAR-OLD ASSISTANT MANAGER.
>> FIRST OF ALL, THAT AN DIERK HE'S ONE TO WATCH.
SECONDLY, THEY HAVE BEEN STANDING THERE IN FRONT OF
PEOPLE DISINTERESTINGLY SHOVING PIZZA INTO THEIR FACES AS
THEY'RE TRYING TO PLAY THEIR PASSION.
YOU DON'T THINK THEY'RE GOING TO ABSORBED NOT JUST PITA GREASE
BUT, ALSO-- ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE GOING TO ADAPT!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE GOING TO ADAPT!
>> YES!
>> Stephen: REALLY!
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: OKAY, YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT DANGEROUS?
>> YES, I DO.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTORS WHO CANNOT GET A
JOB SO THEY ARE FIGHTING IN A SANDPIT FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF
CHILDREN.
MY KNIGHTS HAVE SO MUCH PENT-UP RAGE, THEY DON'T NEED THE
WEAPONS.
THEY'RE JUST TEAR YOUR ROBOTZ APART PIECE BY PIECE.
>> HOW-- ANOTHER THE MOMENT SOMEBODY GETS A TEXT SAYING,
"OH, GUESS WHAT YOU GOT A CALL-BACK FOR THAT ARID EXTRA
DRY COMMERCIAL" THE WHOLE SQUAD DISINTEGRATES.
>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE ROBOTS WHO
ARE MINDLESS AND GODLESS CAN DEFEAT CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS WHO
HAVE SWORN TO TAKE BACK JERUSALEM, JUST AS SOON AS THE
SECOND SHOW IS OVER.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT?
>> YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS RELIGION!
>> Stephen: LET'S AGREE TO DISAGREE.
>> LET'S AGREE THAT WE DISAGREE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: LET US KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, AMERICA.
HEAD TO TWITTER AND VOTE "WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT:
ANIMATRONIC CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND VS. THE KNIGHTS OF MEDIEVAL
TIMES?" THE POLLS CLOSE WEDNESDAY AT
MITT NIT-- THE POLLS CLOSE WEDNESDAY AT MIDNIGHT.
SO GET OUT THERE AND MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD.
ANYONE CAN WIN!
EXCEPT MARCO RUBIO.
HE CAN'T SEEM TO WIN ANYTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT DOES IT FOR:
>> Audience: "FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!"