Bismillah (dua).
Assalamu Alaikum Walaikum Assalam rehmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
This is Sarah Sultan here with Yaqeen institute.
And I'm here to speak with you a little bit about one of the common thoughts that we might
experience during difficult times in our lives, particularly surrounding grief.
The thought that I want to talk to you about is a little bit today is the idea that I should've
gotten over it by now.
Or the idea that my imaan must not be strong enough if I'm not over it yet.
A lot of times people describe grief as feeling like you're in the middle of an ocean and
in the middle of a storm and finding the waves just crashing over you constantly.
And whoever you try and bring your head up for a little bit of air, a little bit of relief,
a little bit of respite from the storm, another wave just crashes right over you and you feel
like you're drowning again.
And then even when you experience the calm that comes when you think that the storm has
passed, suddenly one thing will come up and the waves start all over again.
It can be any small trigger that will trigger a memory of a loss of a love one that you
might have lost, somebody who's hurt you, of a situation that you don't really want
to remember, and the waves just start crashing over you again.
And a lot of times what we as human beings struggle with, and often times what we as
Muslims struggle with, is the idea that I've grieved long enough, I should've gotten over
it by now.
And also the idea that grief is not in line with accepting the decree of Allah (subhanawata'ala).
And you might be making yourself feel guilty about this, or other people in your life might
be making you feel guilty about this.
And you feel like it takes you even further away from Allah (subhanawata'ala).
So one thing that I want to mention in regards to this is the example of the Prophet Muhammad
(sallalahu alaihi wasalam) where when he lost his young son Ibrahim, there's a Hadith that
narrates that he was weeping.
Right, and one of the companions came and he asked him about this that, you know, I
see that you're crying.
And the Rasuallah (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) responded that this is mercy and he says that
the eyes shed tears and the heart grieves but the tongue does not utter other than what's
pleasing to Allah (subhanawata'ala).
And so we see that the greatest human being to ever walk the Earth, the person who was
so beloved to Allah (subhanawata'ala), the one that we try to emulate in our daily ives
was in fact grieving.
And that grief is not synonymous with weak imaan.
This is an idea that we kind of have to separate ourselves from, to try to get closer to Allah
(subhanawata'ala).
One of the thought processes that often happens when we're struggling with grief, when we
have these feelings of guilt surrounding the fact that we're experiencing sadness or we're
hurt or disappointment, is the idea that I must not have strong enough imaan.
Or I should be stronger.
Or I should have gotten over it by now.
And what these are called are "should statements."
And should statements fall under the category of cognitive distortions.
And cognitive distortions are basically unhealthy thinking patterns that we sometimes fall into.
And this can definitely happen with any type of traumatic experience or any type of loss
that happens in our lives.
And so one that's really important is for us to be aware of what we're saying to ourselves.
These should statements.
Because what they are, are standards are unrealistic that we hold ourselves to.
THey're very rigid rules that we naturally struggle with because what happens is that
when we hold ourselves to impossible standards we start to believe that Allah (subhanallah
wata'ala) holds us to impossible standards.
And if we can't fulfill the impossible then why should we even try to fulfill the possible?
And that brings us, then again, further away from Allah (subhanawata'ala).
So one things to be aware of is that there's a difference between healthy guilt, right.
When we have kind of passed a line with regards to what our personal values are and shame.
So when we have healthy guilt, it'll be something like I'm really struggling right now because
I'm feeling so down, so I'm struggling with my prayers.
And I'm feeling badly about that but I know that I'll feel better, even if I try to just
do one today.
And I know that's going to bring me closer to Allah (subhanawata'ala).
What you're doing there is you're identifying the behavior that you're struggling with and
you're working to hold yourself accountable and fix it.
That's healthy.
But when we experience shame, that's where you say I'm really struggling with my prayers,
I'm just a horrible person.
And Allah (subhanawata'ala) must hate me because of the fact that I'm struggling with something
so simple.
And that, then, brings you further away from Allah (subhanawata'ala) because you're not
identifying the behavior, you're viewing the problem as you, right.
And if the behavior is not the issue and you are the issue then how is that going to change?
And so that can also really eat away at you.
So one tip that I want to leave you with that you can practically work on with regards to
trying to overcome these should statements is to number one-be aware of what they are,
what are you saying to yourself.
So whenever you hear the words should, must, if only, right, that when you know that that's
a thought that you can tweak a little bit.
So you might say something like I should have gotten over it by now, like what we're talking
about.
And then the question you ask yourself is okay, well then what does it mean if you don't
get over it by now?
And then you might tell yourself well it means that my imaan is weak and that I'm far away
from Allah (subhanawata'ala).
And then if that were true, then what would it mean about you.
And the thought that might go through your mind would be something like well then that
means that Allah (subanawata'ala) must hate me.
When you go through that thought pattern ask yourself, if this a thought pattern that brings
you closer to Allah (subhanawata'ala) or further away?
Because if it's bringing you further away then you know that this is something to address
and to work on because the point of us having standards for ourselves in our lives is for
us to become our best selves.
And if those very standards are what's holding us back from becoming our best selves and
are holding us back from getting closer to Allah (subhanawata'ala) then it's time to
change those standards.
You can read a lot more about this is the article that's being released in the Yaqeen
series-Your Lord Has Not Forsaken You, where you can get a lot more tips and a lot more
information on changing the should statements that might be plaguing you right now.
Jazakallahu Khayran.
Assalamu Alaikum.