You know, this has been plaguing me for-for a day or two.
I... The news cycle in America moves so fast,
all right, that oftentimes you don't get enough time
to process everything that's happened, you know?
It's like an orgy. But I think,
especially over the coming years,
we're gonna have to get better at taking a step back
to fully understand what it all means.
Take yesterday, for example. There was so much news.
Trump was holding a press conference
while his nominee for secretary of state
was being questioned by Congress
while the intelligence community was trying to decide
if reports on golden showers was confirmed or not
and
Yeah. And let's just say he took some inspiration
from the golden shower incident. #GoldWedding.
It's really weird. Really, really weird book.
By the way, that's how we count where I'm from.
I don't know if that's, like, a... You guys were weirded out.
It's an accent thing. Calm down.
Uh, so-so tonight, let's do this--
let's take a step back and try and process
one of the crazy things that happened yesterday,
which was Donald Trump's press conference.
#GoldYelling.
-Mr. President-elect... -Go ahead. She's asking a question.
-Don't be rude. -Mr. President-elect, can you give us
-a question? You're attacking us. -Don't be rude.
-Can you give us a question? -Don't be ru...
-Can you give us a question? -No, I'm not gonna give you a...
-I'm not gonna give you a question. -Can you state
-categorically... -You are fake news.
(laughter)
I love that Mr. Real Tan over here
is telling people they're fake.
"CNN, you're fake. You're fake.
"Next question goes to Bat Boy from The
"Yeah, you're real.
"Yes, I do think Hillary adopted an alien baby.
Yeah, yeah." Now, we already talked
about Trump's anti-media crusade yesterday.
But yesterday's press conference was also a scary glimpse
into the future of what we might be able to expect
from a Donald Trump presidency.
And let's start by looking at the spectacle,
right, which is all Trump wanted us to be looking at yesterday.
Right? Trump shared the stage with what can only be described
as Manila Mountain.
These papers are just some of the many documents
that I've signed, turning over
complete and total control to my sons.
-Good Lord! -(laughter)
-That's a lot of paper! -(laughter)
-So much paper! -(laughter)
What is he doing there?
Looks like a police chief
showing off a homework drug bust.
-(laughter) -He's like, "As you can see, we found a lot of math,
we found a lot of accounting."
Yeah, but jokes aside, you have to be impressed.
Look how much work he's been doing for America.
But don't look too close, because if you do,
you might start to notice things.
For instance, the paper
inside the folders doesn't look like weeks of contracts.
It looks brand-new.
Yeah, and I know some of you might be hating.
You might be like,
"Oh, Trevor, no, you're just hating, you know?"
But you tell me. If you had real folders
of real business you were really doing,
wouldn't you at least have labels on them?
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
Come on, Donald!
Like, you know what?
At this point, it's not even about the lie, man!
-It's about the lack of respect! -(laughter)
Just take, like, two seconds to write down a fake label!
-(laughter) -Just write... You could even be like...
Just be like, "Conflict stuff."
-We don't care! -(laughter)
And the reason this matters is
that spectacle is what Donald Trump uses
in place of actually doing something,
which is surprisingly effective.
Because now there are people all over America going,
"I know he left his business because I saw the papers.
"I mean, what kind of sick person would bring empty folders
"to a press conference?
-Am I right? Am I right?" -(laughter)
Here's another thing we learned from the press conference.
And it's not something new, by the way, but it's a reminder.
President Trump-- he's going to lie... a lot.
What I'm going to be doing is,
my two sons, who are right here--
Don and Eric-- are going to be running the company.
They are going to be running it in a very professional manner.
They're not going to discuss it with me.
They're not going to discuss it with you at all?
-For eight years? -(laughter)
Either that's a lie, or Donald Trump...
Actually, what if the only reason Trump ran for president
was so that he wouldn't have to talk to his sons for four years?
-(laughter) -Maybe that's what he did.
-(cheers and applause) -That was the entire reason!
"Sorry, Eric, can't talk.
-Conflict of interest." -(laughter)
"But, Dad, I just wanted to tell you I love you!"
(laughter)
"Bye, now. Bye! Bye!
Get him out of here. Bye!"
(cheers and applause)
And by the way, by the way,
the Office of Government Ethics has looked
through Donald Trump's divestment plans,
and like a python at a penis party...
-(laughter) -...they were not impressed.
WOMAN:
called the plan "wholly inadequate."
Stepping back from running his positions is meaningless
from a conflicts-of-interest perspective.
The idea of limiting direct communication
about the business is wholly inadequate.
This is not a blind trust. It's not even close.
Yes! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you, soon-to-be-unemployed ethics man!
-Thank you! -(laughter)
-Thank you! -(applause)
By the way, I hope he ended his speech
with his LinkedIn profile.
Just be like, "And you can hire me very soon! Very soon!"
But he's right.
Trump saying
his children running his company is a blind trust--
that's like a veggie burger saying, "I'm a hamburger!"
Get the (bleep) out of here, you falafel-ass piece of (bleep)!
-(laughter) -You're not a burger!
(applause and cheering)
One thing that was particularly illuminating yesterday
was how little regard Donald J. Trump seems
to have for the presidency itself.
In the past, U.S. presidents have always
acknowledged themselves as being accountable
to the American people.
It's a crucial piece of what a president should be.
And accountable to all people,
including the ones who didn't vote for them.
But as Donny always warned us, he is an outsider.
Uh, well, I'm not releasing the tax returns,
'cause, as you know, they're under audit.
Oh, gee, I've never heard that.
I've never heard that before. You know, the only one
that cares about my tax returns are the reporters.
Okay, they're the only ones...
No, I don't think so. I-I
-Do you believe that... -I would've not became president.
No, I don't think they care at all.
-(audience jeering) -Wow.
How great would it be if we could all use
Donald Trump's logic in our daily lives?
We get busted for... on the freeway for speeding.
You know, and the cop would be there, like,
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
You'd be, "Look at all these other people.
"They don't care. They don't care. They don't care.
"If they cared they wouldn't have gotten
out of the way. They don't care."
But you know what... the sad truth is?
In a way, Trump's right.
Because the people who voted for him,
they
And the people who chose not to vote,
they
The only thing we do know right now is Obamacare.
-Obama care very much. -(laughter)
(cheering, applause)
Obama care, man.
And the 65 million people who are actually the majority,
-they care. But anyway... -(laughter)
I... I just hope
that the press keeps caring.
I'm glad they asked that question,
and I hope they keep asking it.
Because without a fully functional press,
the only one who's gonna be blind in this whole situation
is us.