We've all run into it at different times and you're probably wondering
how to handle someone who does not apologize appropriately.
This is not a matter of if, it's a matter of when, and you've already experienced it
because we're all imperfect. We all get into the same trap from time to time. So I've got four
powerful tips for you today on how to handle it. It's really easy to get tipped over when we get
offended someone doesn't apologize appropriately. So, the first step has nothing to do with them,
it has everything to do with you. How you show up in this situation is because of who you are
and what your character is. You're going to be respectful, why? Because they deserve it? Well,
whether they do or not you're a respectful person and that's why you're going to show up
with respect regardless of what somebody else does. So the first powerful step to dealing
with someone who won't apologize appropriately is to choose to show up with respect. One thing
that really brought the power of this particular step to my mind was when I was running groups.
This is group therapy for juvenile delinquents. This was in a treatment facility kids had been
referred there from the court. I don't call them delinquents because that's a label,
I'm calling them that because that's what the court labeled them and
that's why they were in this treatment program and I still remember this day we're sitting in
the group and one of these kids he's sitting over in the corner. He's got his hat on backward. He's
got a little bolt through his nose. You know, have you got the picture and he's sitting there
and saying, "You know, I respect those who respect me", and I'm thinking, "Wow, that's impressive."
Who can't do that? It's easy to respect someone who's respecting you. What's hard is to show up
with respect when someone's being disrespectful towards you. That's what reveals your character
and we got to talk about that in the group. Here's your second powerful tip. Give up your demand
for a better past. That's kind of the definition of forgiveness when we give up our demand for a
better past. You know, how we hold on to it in our mind sometime and we think through it and
we replay it and we think, "Oh, it should have happened this way or that person should have done
something else", I tell you what, any time you slip in the word should or should have it puts you
into guilt and shame and regret and you're also in a powerless position. Because how good are you
at changing the past? I found out a long time ago I really suck at that so I don't even try anymore.
But mentally it's a little bit more of a challenge.
So let's give up our demand for a better past.
You'll notice already that the first two tips I've shared with you have nothing to do with the other
person who won't apologize appropriately. But news flash you don't have any control over that. There
are some things that we control in other things we don't. As we give up our need to control things
that we don't control and especially things that have already occurred that are already in the past
it leaves us in a position of more peace and this is what will bring more psychological power into
whatever you're going to do next. Give up your demand for a better past. There's two more points
that we'll talk about before we get to that. Would you take a moment to enhance your mental hygiene
by clicking on that subscribe button right down there. We're going to be on your team.
This third tip might surprise you a little bit because I'm asking you to shift your agenda.
We get stuck sometimes in thinking that we have to have that apology. I'm not going to feel better
until that person makes it right with me. How long are you willing to wait? Early in my career I
was working with a young woman who was working on some depression, some anxiety, she was overweight,
had some other health problems, and as we were going through this process it became clear that
some of what was bothering her in fueling her depression were feelings that she had for probably
two decades by the time that I was seeing her. About how her stepfather had abused her. Now,
don't get me started on abuse, there are so many things that I hate about abuse and especially
the way that it gets into our mind and it gets us into what I call a victim mindset. But during the
process of working with this young woman I brought up the idea that maybe she needed to forgive him.
That about got me fired. She almost came out of her chair she was like,
"He never apologized. He never even acknowledged that it ever
happened. He was in complete denial." So, she wasn't in a position where she felt ready to
forgive him. Forgiveness by the way is what I told you in the last step that we give up
our demand for a better past. Well, this is where she was and she was kind of stuck there.
The part that I didn't share with you he had been dead for 10 years
at the time of this meeting. How long is she willing to wait for him to make this
okay with her? That's why it's so important in this step that we remove the requirement
for the apology. Write that down somewhere, remove the requirement for the apology. It'll be easier
for you to do if you think of it this way. Do not allow that person, whoever it is. Maybe it's
an abuser, maybe it's someone that you work with. Whoever it is that you think owes you an apology.
When you remove the requirement for the apology you also remove them as a barrier to your peace
and happiness. You don't need them to choose peace and happiness. You get to do that all on your own,
think about my client. Her dead stepfather is not going to apologize.
Sorry, well does that mean she has to stay trapped? No, and neither do
you. You remove the requirement for the apology and you get them out of your way.
This is up to you. This fourth powerful tip is also squarely
within your control and don't you love that? Because everything that I'm sharing with you
does not require input from anyone else. Here's what we're going to work on for tip number four.
Get really good at quickly forgiving and I probably don't even need to add there
that you get to do that without apologies. Because that's not inside of your control, practice this.
Practice quick forgiveness. You can try this while you're out driving somebody
cut you off in traffic. I forgive you, just try it. See how it feels to you.
No one else has to give you the permission
or the green light to practice forgiveness and forgiveness is a healing gift that you give
yourself. I want you to be able to experience and claim your peace without any input,
without requiring any other contributions from other people. This is squarely within your control
and it's something that you can choose to do on purpose. Be quick to forgive without apologies.
What we've talked about here today is obviously important for anyone but it's especially important
for parents who have a hard time sometimes taking care of themselves. Who takes care of the parents?
Watch that video next because you'll get a lot of other tips about how to take care of you.