One of our viewers recently asked, "Dr. Paul, how do you defend yourself against
gaslighting?" I didn't even know what that was to start with. I'll define it
for you and give you some clear steps. So that you don't get stuck. This term gas
lighting comes from a movie that was created back in the 40s where a man was
manipulating this woman in some very subtle psychological ways. And every time
that he did certain things, he would adjust the intensity of the gaslights.
And so that's where the term comes from. Gaslighting is a form of psychological
manipulation where the perpetrator of that manipulation is trying to get the
other person to feel like they're crazy or to doubt their own sanity or judgment
or perceptions. Sounds fun, right? It's not fun. When you're on the receiving end of
the gaslighting, you start to wonder if you've lost it somehow. And it's subtle.
It's not easy to detect sometimes. So, one of the first things that we need to do
is start tuning in to our own body and our own reactions when we're around
other people. If you predictably feel like something's
off or you start to wonder about whether you're perceiving things correctly or
you're remembering things correctly, this could be a form of gaslighting. So, pay
attention to that. As you become aware that something might be going on, try to
notice the patterns. For example, there will be times when you're not happy
about how someone treated you or something that was done. And as you
approach that situation with that person, you end up apologizing every time. I'm
just using that as an example. Sometimes that's an indicator that that person has
switched or flipped the concern that you're trying to share with them
and bringing it back on you. If you find yourself trying to apologize or
personally backtrack when it's really someone else that you're trying to
confront about their behavior choices, that may be a sign. Pay attention to it.
When you start to notice the patterns that are developing in a particular
relationship, it actually starts to reduce the personal impact that it has
on you. Part of what we're trying to do here is get to a point where in your own
mind, you're not questioning or doubting your own sanity and judgement as much.
One of the characteristics of gaslighting is that perpetrators of this
kind of manipulation usually try to isolate the person that they're
gaslighting so that they don't have contact or exposure to outside
influences so much. And that way they have a better chance to manipulate them
psychologically. Which leads us to another strategy that can help. And that
is to associate or network with other people. Talk to some people. A lot of
times what's happening in a gaslighting relationship only works for that person
if they can keep it very isolated, very contained. So, when you start to talk to
other people, you start to notice, "Hey, wait a minute. This isn't a normal thing
to happen in a relationship." And it can give you a little heads up to what's
going on. Now, this next step is really important because I want you to realize
it's not about you. This is about someone else's pathological need to control
other people. Which when I say that sounds like pathology, doesn't it? If you
have to control other people, that's not healthy. And this is usually about
someone who has a pathological need to control other people. And it's not even
about you. In fact, if it were me in that situation I'd be experiencing the same
thing that you are. If it were my sister in that situation, she'd be experiencing
the same things that you are. It's not about you. Don't take it too personally.
And this is hard because it is you. And when it's happening
to you, it's easy to take it personally. I want you to detach yourself from it
enough that you can see this isn't about you. When you start to see the patterns
and you you know that this is happening, there will come a time when you have to
reevaluate the value of this relationship in the face of the kind of
dynamics that you're observing here. It may not be worth maintaining that
relationship. Now, I'm saying that with an acknowledgement that this can happen on
a lot of different levels. I've heard of all kinds of gaslighting behavior and
manipulation that happens in the workplace for example with a boss or
with a co-worker. That's a little different than if it's happening at home
in your key relationships. So, you have to take all those things into consideration.
I'm not saying that you should leave that person or separate yourself from
the relationship. Although you may consider that, it's important to start to
address the dynamic that's going on here because it's not psychologically healthy.
For you or for the gaslighter. I already mentioned that it could be helpful to
fortify yourself through social interaction and networking so that you
can have other minds and eyes looking at this dynamic and giving you feedback.
Another really important part of this is to strengthen yourself mentally and
psychologically. You've got to be able to take care of yourself. In fact, there's
another video I think you should queue it up next we'll put a card right up
there so that you can click on it about mental health self-care strategies. Let's
get you some ideas that you can use to start strengthening your own psychology
so that you're not as vulnerable to this kind of manipulation. And then finally,
get help if you need it. There are counselors and therapists and coaches
that can assist you with this dynamic. And it's often very helpful to get
someone else involved because that can break some of the dynamics that are
already happening in that relationship. Coaching is a
wonderful way to get outside of your own head and see something from a different
perspective. So, get whatever help you need. There are so many resources
available to you. And the one that I want to particularly invite you to take
advantage of is a copy of my book. I am giving this to you for free. All you do
is pick up the shipping. DrPaulJenkins,com. There's a link in the
description. Go get your free copy and I can help you more to live on purpose.
I wish I had