Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I d discuss some of the common characteristics
and traits of a narcissistic father in law. Now, if you like this video, if you find it helpful
please consider subscribing to my channel, but just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute
for support from a mental health professional, nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
Now when I'm talking about narcissism, I'm not referring to someone who can be
difficult, selfish, maybe opinionated from time to time. I think if we're honest we can
all be like that from time to time. I'm talking about pathological narcissism, the behaviours,
the characteristics the traits they are long term, they are persistent and they are pervasive.
And some of those characteristics include a sense of entitlement, being disagreeable. There's
grandiosity, a lack of empathy, and either being highly resistant or highly sensitive to criticism.
Now as much as we can choose our partner, sadly we don't get to choose our in-laws. And we can
be fortunate, they may be great people. They may be eccentric, they may be irritating at
times. They can even be overzealous, but that doesn't necessarily make them toxic.
Where there is narcissism, quite often what we find is a lot of controlling behaviour.
There's a lot of harsh judgments. They can be abrasive with their criticism
and very manipulative. And for today when we're talking about a narcissistic father in law,
rather than continually talk about either a son in law or a daughter law, I'm just going to refer to
the partner. That's going to be the partner of the narcissistic father s child. Okay, so something to
consider is, before he was a father in law, he was a father. So before he was a narcissistic father
in law, he's been a narcissistic father. He's been the centre of the universe. The children
are extensions of himself to the partner, indeed any grandchildren are often going to be treated
the same way. So if he pitted his own children against each other, he's probably going to do
the same with the partner. Perhaps comparing them unfavourably to others, his own children,
or the other sons and daughters in law. There may be triangulation, there may be spreading gossip.
And when it comes to the relationship between the partner and the narcissistic father in law, if he
doesn't approve of the partner, he's not going to make a secret of it. Now, this could manifest
itself in different ways. For example they may be met with the silent treatment. They may be met
with contempt, constant criticism, and he can come across as being pompous and opinionated. Maybe the
partner hasn't done enough to earn his respect, now in reality, they probably never will. But any
mistakes, errors are generally going to be jumped upon. Achievements, however, and accomplishments
may either be scorned or just ignored. And he will always be right, he will always be justified. He
is never really going to be responsible for any of the contention or distress that his behaviour
causes. It will be the fault of the partner, or it'll be the fault of his own child s poor choice
of partner. Another common characteristic is he will know more about the partners profession than
they do. Now he will either think it's a bad idea to go into that line of work or he may criticise
them. They haven't advanced up the career ladder enough. They're not being payed enough.
He may advise them, he may guide them with his own so called wisdom . This would be true in a lot of
different areas. Now he may have the same superior kind of knowledge and of any hobbies or interests
the partner may have. He will have more interest in it, he has done that same thing for years.
Either that or it will be criticised as a waste of time. Another common behaviour may be just
turning up at their house unannounced to do alterations, repairs or to decorate. Now,
you know, he was just passing, he just happened to have his toolkit with him. Or he's noticed
something that they didn't that needs urgent attention. Or you know what? Perhaps he may
turn up to undo or to do a better job than the partner had done. Other times
they may recognise they need a bit of work done and he will know he generally knows
who to contact to do the job for them. He knows the best person to do the job. Now even if that
person does a shoddy job that maybe in the end ends up costing more money to do it properly,
he's fine with that. If you think about it from his perspective, he got control over
getting to choose who did the work. He also gets a sense of control if you will, over that couple
now being under some kind of financial strain. Another common behaviour would be undermining
the couple to the grandchildren, even in front of them. Now if those parents say no to something, he
may allow it. He may buy them it, he may promise it. He may even argue with the parents in front of
the children to show that he's on their side, to try to create some kind of division, to show that
he is in charge. He may even arrange things with the grandchildren without checking if it's okay
with the parents, just bypassing them completely. Now, when it comes to the partners parents, things
could start out okay, everyone's okay. Everyone's getting on okay, but inevitably he may try to
dominate conversations and situations. He may be very competitive. Either he has a better one or
he has it worse than them. Eventually there is going to be some kind of a fall out, which will of
course be the fault of the other of the partners parents. And on that, a common characteristic of
narcissism would be playing the blame game. It's everyone else's fault. Now the thing is
even when he is caught, if you will, caught bang to rights you know, he's caught with his hand
in the cookie jar when he's been held to account for his behaviour, he may behave as if he doesn't
understand what the actual problem is. The issues that disagreements you know, boundaries being set.
They are often being blown out of proportion where he is either being victimised or he is being
punished unfairly. That's when he brings in other people, you know, the mother, aunts, uncle's,
family friends. Now they may contact the child and their partner wanting to fix things, repair things
because he's upset, he's angry, he's confused. He's no idea what happened to cause this,
and they say things like, Could you not just reach out him? After all, he's really nice. He's caring.
He hasn't heard from you in weeks or months. What are you going to do if he dies? Think of how
guilty you're gonna feel . You know the son, the son in law, the daughter in law, whoever they are,
that young couple they are being unreasonable. He may even claim he never had a problem with any of
the relationships with his own children until that partner turned up. Now to him, he's going
to be presented that as evidence that it is the partner was a poor choice. That partner is the
problem. Again, another common characteristic portrait would be playing one upmanship.
All conversations could be turned to be about him, even when he's interacting with the grandchildren.
It's, it's always almost going to be about him. He may criticise their mum or their dad s choices,
their decisions, it's, it's like they have to run things past him first. Even interests, hobbies,
sports that the grandchildren may be into it's almost like they have to seek his approval to
win his regard just like his own children did when they were younger. But in short
the narcissistic father in law can be very overbearing and can be relentless in criticism,
harsh judgments, and the need for control and dominance. The son in law is useless. The daughter
in law is not good enough. But in reality he, he lacks insight to recognise, maybe he doesn't care,
in extreme cases he may even get a kick out of the distress he's causing in that family, in his own
child's relationship. He, if he's told, know about something, he may just go ahead and do it anyway.
It's for their own good because he knows best and if this goes unchecked, if that behaviour goes
unchecked or if the narcissistic father in law, if his child is accepting of this, blind to this,
even colludes with it, the relationship with the partner, and indeed for the grandchildren is very
unhealthy. It can be toxic and it's unsustainable. If that relationship ends now, even though it's
been due to unhealthy outside influence and control from the father in law, again that
will be used as evidence that the partner was bad, selfish, uncaring, ungrateful, and a poor choice.
The child should have listened to him because he could see through them all along. Even on
that couples wedding day, it's not uncommon for a narcissistic parent to try to find something
either to make it about them or to try to ruin it somehow. So, so that's a brief outline of some
of the common characteristics of a narcissistic father in law. As always there are other things,
such as gaslighting, there's inconsistency, induced conversations and situations where others
are set up to fail. There can be psychological mind games or emotional mind games, you know,
using peoples words against them. So if there's anything I've forgotten, if there's anything you'd
like the add by all means please feel free to use the comment box below, there are some interesting
conversations starting around these videos. If you liked this video if you found it helpful
please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental health related topics
and until next time, thanks for watching.[DFM1] [DFM1]Box below. There are some interesting
conversations starting round these videos, but if you like this video, if you find it helpful,
please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental health related topics.