- I also just forgot we were actually already recording!
(laughing)
I was literally just talking to you
and I was about to say something else,
and I was like, oh my god, it's recording.
- Oh, can't, better zip it before that next thing comes out.
Hey, guys (coughs)
Welcome back to-- - Forgot about that, too.
- Another video, I think we do need to start by
explaining why Willow's not here.
As I roll my eyes - We're gonna start this again
- So far back into my head.
She has like a real job now,
and she clearly seems to think
that that job is more important than us.
You also have a real-- - Yeah, yeah.
- And you make the time.
(laughing)
Hey, guys, welcome back.
This is old school, we're going classic
lesbian versus bisexual. - Yes.
- Because literally lesbian, singular, versus bisexual.
- That's-- - The way it should be.
- Oh, whoa, I thought we weren't going back there!
- I can't help it!
- For any of you guys who don't know,
this is the lovely Breanne Williamson.
If you're not subscribed to her channel,
it will be linked in the description,
you should definitely go check that out.
- Please!
- We're also filming a video over on her channel,
so that will be linked as well.
Today, I thought that we could
really go back to how this series started
and discuss something that I wonder
how a lesbian versus a bisexual would feel about it.
As someone who's bisexual, I have a lot of mixed feelings
about using the word "gay" and labeling myself gay.
- Right.
I'm always afraid, I'm so afraid of upsetting people.
- Yeah, you are.
- I'm so non-confrontational,
I just never want to upset anybody ever.
And so I have never called myself gay
or used that as a label, even jokingly.
Even something like on Instagram, commenting on
a hot woman's-- - Like "could I get gayer?"
- Yeah yeah, even that makes me
(awkward trumpeting)
I see other bisexual people doing that,
and I'm like, "oh, you go!"
- That's very gay of you.
- Bre, you're gonna get me in trouble.
- You know, I've had an interesting experience lately,
I guess similarily, is that a word?
Similiarily? (laughing)
- Similarly.
- Simirlarly? - Not similiarily.
- Similarly, I can't say that word,
I've just discovered. - Scrap it!
- "Just like you..."
- Just like you-- - Just as what you just said.
- I've had a similar experience.
- Amazing.
- A lot of what I'm talking about--
- Oh! - Yeah?
- This video's sponsored by Adam and Eve.
(laughing) - Oh (beep).
Roll it back, roll back the tape!
- I was just actually so interested
to hear what you were gonna say.
- But first, before (laughing).
Stop talking.
- We have a sponsor.
Rude.
Oh my god, this video's sponsored by (laughs)
- Before we dive right in, - Yes!
- Can we dive into a box of sponsored items?
- Absolutely, Breanne Williamson,
thank you so much for that transition.
Before we jump into the meat of the conversation,
(laughing) (groaning)
I'd like to thank the sponsor of this video,
Adam and Eve.
And if you use my code FENDER,
you can get 50% off, five zero percent off
one single item in the store,
as well as free shipping within Canada and the USA.
So guys, use the code, I'm saving you money.
Adam and Eve has been a longtime supporter of the channel,
they're honestly one of my favorite companies to work with,
so when you use my code, you're not only getting money off,
you're supporting my channel as well, so!
(paper rustling)
This looks like a good box.
- Oh, I already see a boob.
- You do? - Yeah.
- Oh my god, a literal boob, like a full boob.
- Like an actual boob.
That's the first one I've ever seen.
Beside mine.
- "Double Play Bullets."
Oh, I think we've seen this before.
We've done so many of these videos.
Shared wired controller.
- Gaming, but extra sexy.
For your private parts.
- Do you love gaming?
You'll love adamandeve.com
The deluxe harness kit!
I'll just let them see it.
I'm gonna cover up this image,
it's two women using this.
Love women, you'll love adamandeve.com
And
a dong,
I believe it also
comes with a dong.
Oh, okay, this one I actually asked for specifically.
- Interesting. (laughing)
- That sounded so bad!
- This is a special request by Alayna Joy.
(laughing)
- So this is the Bendy Bunny.
(laughing)
No, and I specifically asked for it
because this is a toy that's built for beginners.
Quote, unquote.
- Okay. - No, I'm serious.
- No, okay, I like that.
- It's small, so if you're new
it doesn't mean you can't find something
for you on adamandeve.com.
Just put FENDER. (dings)
We'll leave the rest for the end.
So, you can resume. - Resume!
- As a gay woman, do you even like the word gay?
What words do you like?
- I found a lot of amazing knowledge on the internet.
I find the internet to be an amazing space,
I've learned a lot, I think I've grown a lot.
But I also have never been more doubting
of the way that I describe myself
until I was on the internet, until I was doing YouTube.
And I started doing a series called
"I Heard She's a Lesbian," because it's from--
- Definitely check it out. - My mouth.
And it's talking about my lesbian experience.
Anyone, even if you're not a lesbian,
can watch this and you're gonna relate to a lot of things,
or maybe you're not gonna relate to a lot of things.
But I'm speaking from my experience.
- Just to clarify, in this series,
I do speak for all bisexuals
and you do speak for all lesbians,
but on your series, you're just speaking about your--
- About my experience.
- That's the difference.
- So I made that disclaimer,
and I still, every time I upload one of those videos,
get comments that are saying I'm being not inclusive
or that their experience is different,
which is fine to say in a way
that you're just expressing yourself.
But a lot of times they're in a way
that it's like, "you're wrong."
- When you're speaking about your own experience,
by definition, you're going to be exclusive.
- Yeah!
- Because it's your experience.
- And I use a lot both queer and gay, as umbrella terms.
Which I never questioned really before.
I consider myself a lesbian
and I consider you to be bisexual,
and I would consider us both gay.
That is my experience growing up.
I always heard, for example, the Gay Pride Parade.
- Oh, yeah, same, oh, interesting.
- So to me, that meant anyone who's LGBTQ+
is part of the Gay Pride Parade.
Like you are gay.
- Interesting.
- So, I understand that certain people use it
just like lesbian or bisexual,
to describe themselves specifically, right?
- I had never thought of that.
- So for me, that is the thing,
but I did say that on my channel,
I was like, "if you're gay,"
and then a few people in the comments came for me
and were like, "that's not inclusive
"because I'm not gay because I'm bi."
And I think that's where it gets kind of misconstrued,
because people are both wanting to mean the same things,
but because they use different words
and have different meanings,
I'm saying gay and meaning it in an inclusive way,
and they're thinking that
I'm meaning it as an exclusive thing.
- I guess I've always though of the word gay
as meaning just attracted to the same gender as you.
- Right. - Exclusively.
But even with that understanding,
I've also felt like, "oh, well,
"somebody's who's bi is also gay."
Because this is like whole 50/50 thing.
At the place where I volunteer in Vancouver,
it's like a queer space,
the last shift I had,
they had this poster up on the wall,
and it said, "Bisexuality's not 50/50, I'm 100/100."
The sign said it so much more concise,
I can't remember what it said.
- Beautiful poster. - It was something like,
"Bisexuality, 100% gay, 100% straight."
- Yes. - Something like that.
That's how I've always felt about
that kind of question, like "What percentage are you?"
And it's like, no, it just depends on my partner.
Just because I'm with a man doesn't mean that I'm
- 75% - Only 50%.
It doesn't mean he only has 50% of my love
or my attention or my attraction.
He has 100% of that, just like if I was with a woman
or with a non-binary person, it would be the same.
So, with that understanding in my mind,
I've always desired to use the word gay,
but I'm not.
- I get what you're saying, that's hard, because--
- I'm very curious to see what you guys
think about this in the comments,
I'd love to have a discussion,
not a discussion of like, "you're wrong, you're right"
but a discussion of how do you feel,
what has your experience been?
- To me, policing terminology
is a big problem in the community.
- Telling people what they are or what they aren't,
but it's like, it's not your experience.
As a bisexual woman, I get that a lot,
and I know a lot of other bisexual women get that too.
You get a lot of the "well, prove it--"
- Yeah, absolutely. - Type of thing
Which is like the policing of "well, are you actually bi?"
This is why I like making these videos,
because I get so many message from you guys saying
"I've never been with somebody of the same gender"
or "I'm a woman, I'm married to a man
"or engaged to a man, can I still be bi, I don't know."
I feel like now it's at least
coming into the general conversation
that if you feel bi, you're bi and that's enough.
You are valid and you are worthy of that label
if you feel like you have it,
it doesn't matter your history.
But I don't feel like that has bled into the
rest of the labels yet. - I agree.
It's almost like now bisexual is being
anyone can be bi, if you feel like you're bi, you are.
- There's so many other - I don't think that people
- labels that aren't. - Would feel that same way
about someone calling themselves a lesbian
even like, I don't want to speak for the trans experience,
but I see a lot of people trying to police trans folks--
- Oh yes, all the time. - And trying to tell them
whether they are or aren't. - All the time, it's awful.
I feel like anyone in the LGBTQ+ community
the argument all the time with
people that are against anyone in the LGBTQ+ community
that are outside of it
is that why do you care?
This isn't affecting your life.
Why are you hating on us or picketing us
or telling us what we are isn't true.
- Yeah, like calm down.
- Go live your own life. - You need to calm down.
- We're not hurting you.
- And then in the community, that happens,
which I think is such a ridiculous thing
that we don't have the awareness
within the community to say,
"Hey, we really hate when this happens
"from outside the community,
"so why the (beep) are we doing this to each other?"
And I think at the end of the day,
let people call themselves what they wanna call themselves.
I don't understand how that could negatively affect someone.
- Somebody else calling themselves
maybe the label that you claim,
you might feel it's your label,
so we can go back to gay to keep it with my experience.
If somebody has the label gay,
then they might feel like that's their label
and so they somehow feel like I'm encroaching
on their identity by calling myself gay
when I'm technically, maybe I'm not
because technically I'm bi.
But if you wanna be technical, I'm pan.
And one person using your label,
even if they use it differently than you--
- It doesn't affect you.
- No, it doesn't take away from your
validity in that label.
- And it also doesn't take away from
your definition of that label.
You're allowed to have a different definition.
- See, but that's where I think people would come in
and say what's the point of language?
Like, if there's no definition.
That's where it's tricky with bi, pan, and gay.
- I think this is where I go back to
my thought, and I've always had this thought--
- Oh my god, you've always been so woke.
- To me, language is not very important.
When it comes to labels, it never has been for me.
When I was coming out, I wish
I could have just said, "I'm Bre"
instead of saying "I'm a lesbian."
To me, I utilize language as a quick and easy way
to explain to myself to people
that are not necessarily ready
to get to know all of me,
or we don't have the time to do so.
- Then you don't need to have an in-depth
conversation about your whole history of your whole life--
- Exactly. - Your attractions and your
sexual attraction and your romantic attraction
and your dating history, blah blah blah.
You could just say, "Here's a word that describes it."
- Exactly, it's a really, in my mind,
a lazy way to describe who I am.
Because I'm so much more than
what their definition when I say that word might be.
Why I might be looser on someone using the word gay
is because to me, language is used for
the individual to describe themself
in the best way that they feel comfortable.
And I don't see it as something that I need to gate-keep.
- I agree 100% and I think we're on the same page.
Oh my god, lesbian versus bisexual on the same page?
- We agree? - Ding ding!
Do we need to find something to fight about?
- It's a tie!
I feel like with labels, with language, with identities,
you are who you feel that you are.
So label yourself however you want,
and I will validate that and I will stand by you.
And I think you feel the same.
- Yeah, absolutely. - So anybody watching this,
that's the take-home message.
Can you think of any situations
or can you think of any arguments
for how that could be harmful?
For how saying "use whatever label you want"
can you think of an example where
that would be a negative thing?
- The only thing I can think of is if
someone's using it to cause harm.
- Yes!
- The thing is if anyone's calling themself a label
because it's coming from a place
that they genuinely feel that that's
what they most connect with,
I see that causing zero harm.
The only time I could see it causing harm is if
someone is using it as a way of almost infiltrating--
- Mmhmm, 100%.
- Or being like, "well, if you can say
"you're gay, then I'm gay!
"Then I get a say too, and as a gay person,
"I disagree with gay marriage" or whatever.
- Yeah, that's such a good way
to concisely wrap it up, I think.
- Yeah, but if someone's coming from a good place,
then what harm is it gonna cause?
- Because it goes back to when
we first started talking about trans rights
and people would go, "Oh, well, I identify as a toaster."
- Yeah, yes, (laughing)
- "I'm a dog," you see that everywhere!
You still see it!
- I'm laughing because I heard that all the time.
- It's so old and tired at this point, thank god.
- So yeah, I think when it's coming
from that kind of place--
- That's a great way to summarize all of those fears.
We're not saying language isn't important,
and we're not saying that labels should
just go away altogether.
If you're not using a label to cause harm
or to try to invalidate or make fun of
or punch down at somebody else,
that's I think a really good way to gauge it.
At least I feel. - No, I agree.
- Oh my god, we solved it again.
- Yeah, we've got it.
- Every episode, we just like solve it.
I am really curious about the comments of this video,
because like I said, we're just two people.
We are two people who speak for an entire
couple of communities, but--
- We're always right. - At the the end of the day,
we're just two people.
- That are always right.
Any final thoughts on that?
- Just feels great being right all the time.
- Curious what you guys think,
let us know in the comments down below.
Let's get back to adamandeve.com
and toys that are just for gay people.
So, if you're not gay,
- You can't get any. - You can't go on their site.
This is the Adam and Eve classic Duo Balls.
So these are like, I can't remember what they're called.
- Kegel balls?
- Yeah, but they have a word, they're called something.
(ding)
It starts with a W, I think.
You put them in you, and it's supposed to
strengthen the vaginal muscles.
But also, apparently you can use these
as a form of foreplay? - Oh, okay.
- Because it's like mildly stimulating?
- Like while watching a movie for a couple hours?
- They were saying like go for a walk.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard that with kegel balls.
- Kegel balls, there's a nicer word for them.
So this one that we literally can't show any of it,
they photoshopped out--
- Her clitoris. - Yes.
- Her vulva, they have photoshopped it
into a skin triangle.
- Which isn't a thing, but.
- This is the Lovelife Cuddle,
and I think this is one of those more like luxury toys,
and so if you do want to get your hands on this,
you can still use my code but it will only do 10% off.
"Cuddling up with our..."
(awkward, wordless singing)
- You know what, I want to know
who the content writers are for these, I want their job.
- Right, so it's kind of like one of those
rabbit ones without the rabbit thing.
- I hated how you just did that.
- Yeah, I'll probably blur that, too.
(laughing)
And then lastly we have a classic bullet,
oh no, not a classic bullet, a remote control bullet.
So we've got lots of couple fun in this box.
- So fun. (laughing)
- So excited to be here?
- I'm so excited to be here.
- So fun!
And that's everything we have in the box this time,
that was a good one!
- That was a good box.
- I like the variety. - Love a good box.
- Me too, because we're both gay.
- Yes.
It's not lesbian versus bisexual anymore, it's just
gays. - Two gays.
Wait, then, what if when Willow's here, just three gays?
- Just three gays. - Two and half gays is over?
- I think it's over, it's just three gays now.
- Thank you again to Adam and Eve for sponsoring this video.
If you use my code FENDER at checkout,
you can get 50% off one single item
as well as free shipping with Canada and the USA.
And I think that's it for this video.
Thank you--
- We're doing one over on my channel, so--
- Yes, that will also be linked in the description.
I don't know what we're filming yet.
- It's not anything too bad.
- Then they're not gonna click on it.
- It's really bad. - It's really bad!
That's it for this video, I love you guys so much,
thank you for watching.
And I will see you in the next one!
Bye! - Bye!
(kissing)
- This cat's like, "just let me sleep."
- I know, she was sleeping.
- Oh, mom's so mean.
Oh my god, you know what I almost just did?
- What?
- I almost went like this, like to zoom in.
What the hell. - You need a vacation.
- I do need a vacation, I tried to zoom in on the box
by going like this, like on a phone.
I need help. - That's scary.
- It's also scary of what I was trying to zoom in on.
- True!
Let's do a physical zoom in. - Okay.
- Zoom in IRL, 3D zoom in!