[Channel Teaser]
How A Player Attempted To Seduce the DM, Ruining the Game and A Real Life Relationship
Well, guys, this is the only real horror story I have, and unfortunately it is one completely
suited to Valentine’s Day, although in an utterly twisted manner.
VERY NSFW.
The whole situation was bizarre, unexpected, and came completely out of nowhere, in a rapid
and complete fiery implosion of the group that rivalled the Hindenburg in terms of suddenness
and sheer scale of catastrophic collapse.
So sit back, Dear Reader, and indulge in this tale of deceit, coercion, questionable sexual
appetites, breakups, and, of course, cringe.
Lots and lots of cringe.
The cast consists of the following.
Note that pseudonyms have been used for confidentiality: Me: DM
Dave: my roommate, playing a half orc fighter.
He was not present for the session in question, which is relevant later.
Annie: Dave's girlfriend, playing a halfling cleric
Rich: A friend of mine and Dave's, playing a zany gnome sorcerer
Trish: The problem player, playing a “foxfolk” (reskinned tabaxi) bard, because of course
she bloody was.
She could also never quite decide whether this person was more cat or more fox or both?
It was weird.
So, we cast our minds back to days of yore, 2013.
I was at university, and we were playing 3.5e D&D.
For context, I'm not really the typical nerd archetype.
I'm fairly tall, fairly muscular, and my biggest interest outside tabletop RPGs, science, maths,
nerdy movies and video games is playing Rugby, and I was on the Uni team.
I am or was -- being an adult sucks -- something of a socialite.
I liked to host parties, I love being the center of attention, I love singing.
In short, my highest IRL stat is Charisma.
My lowest, apparently, is Wisdom.
Yes, I am a dudebro.
Yes, the exact stereotype you’re currently thinking of.
That one.
It's me.
After one such get-together at my place which was inevitably always a strange mix of guys
from the rugby team, my course mates -- I studied physics -- and my flatmates, their
mates etc., myself, Dave & Annie were talking.
I suggested the idea of running a D&D game, and they were both into it.
Neither of them had played before, but Dave informed me that our mutual friend Rich played,
which I didn't know, and Annie said that she had a friend that would be super excited to
join because she was obsessed with tabletop RPGs.
Enter Trish.
Trish was the only person who attended that I didn’t know, which naturally made her
something of a wildcard, but being the sociable person I was, this didn’t bother me at all,
and when I first met her, all seemed fine.
She was lively and excitable.
She and Annie both did practical effects design, and she was artsy and enthusiastic with a
real twinkle in her eye, which I would realise all too late wasn’t a twinkle but the barely
perceptible electrical feedback which indicated the short-circuiting of the sanity wires in
her brain.
I thought she would be a joy to have at the table rolling dice with us.
If I had only known the depth of the anime love interest complex she apparently had,
I might have realised that the rattling noise wasn’t her dice tower, but the loose marbles
rattling around in her skull.
So, anyway, from the very first session, the group was great, and everyone's character
was fun, if a little trope-y.
This is why I didn't bat an eyelid at Trish playing up "That Bard" and hitting on every
NPC.
We all had a good laugh about it, and I responded with NPCs flirting or not flirting in the
exact same manner as they would with Dave's character, who often tried his luck, to all
of our amusement, with his -1 to Charisma checks.
Thus, I thought that it was all in good fun and so did everyone else.
Because nobody could be insane enough to think that imaginary characters interacting automatically
meant the DM wants to bone them…
Right?
Anyway, getting ahead of myself a little there.
There were some red flags.
These included highlights such as: Trish being a little obsessive about anime, and talking
about her “perfect man” being an exact description of some protagonist from a particular
anime, the name of which I don’t remember; and the way in which she described her Tabaxi,
complete with “big, innocent doe eyes” and “playful curves” and “swaying hips”.
She also showed up wearing fox ears at one point.
I thought she was just really getting into the game and playing into her character.
Which, in a really disturbing sort of way, was right on the money.
She also had a weird habit of maintaining eye contact with me for uncomfortably long
periods of time.
But I, with my IRL dump stat in Wisdom, didn't put it together that she might have a crush
on me, in case where this story is leading wasn’t horrifyingly obvious.
I was enjoying the group, and the immersion.
Everyone spent a lot of time talking in character and really getting into it, including Dave
and Annie who had been a little hesitant about roleplaying at first.
Trish spent almost no time whatsoever talking out of character.
Another mild red flag that I overlooked entirely, but one that stands out from the rest in this
little retrospective.
And so, Dear Reader, begins the fateful night.
Note that Dave, my roommate, was not present for this session.
For the night is dark and full of fox-eared discomfort.
It was a roleplay-heavy session.
The previous had been a sizable combat session with one of the villains, and a small side-story
arc had been completed.
So there was a lot of looting, paying off debts and favours, collecting accolades, drinking
in bars, being paraded around on the shoulders of the liberated village.
All the normal tropes.
This also coincided with the end of our second year exam period, so our mood in real life
was the same.
Everyone was having a great time in a low pressure session, drinking a decent amount
both at the table and ingame.
Everyone was smiling and having fun.
Trish's character decided that "tonight was the night" to try and get it on with the burly
human bartender NPC she had been flirting with throughout the campaign whenever they
had been in this town.
Again, I only picked this up in retrospect, but this was the NPC who most closely, although
not even that closely, resembled me in how I had described them.
And she had singled this NPC out repeatedly.
Anyway, in the revelry of the villain's defeat, and the town's celebration, she succeeded
on her seduction roll for this poor bartender.
I made a joke about how "he will probably need his back bandaged" and attempted a fade-to-black.
Trish was having none of it.
Obviously, she wanted to vicariously play out this encounter between these two abstractions
in a display that would have made Sigmund Freud himself make the “concerned Tom”
face.
She interjected, describing how her character waited for him to go and get her drinks, before
taking off all of her clothes, changing into just one of his thin shirts and waiting on
his bed in "a seductive pose", and “began to purr”.
OK, a little too much detail, and she has a creepy, lascivious look in her eyes while
she describes it, but fine.
She's had a couple of drinks and is a bit too into it.
I once again try with, "And as he sees you, he shuts the door behind himself with a smile.
Anyway, back in the bar, Clupperdunk is in the midst of his absurd ‘levitating tankards’
performance, when-"
Trish again interjects, pouting a little this time.
She describes how her character "stares into his green eyes" -- on a side note, my eyes
are green, while the NPC was described as having blue eyes -- and "runs her clawed fingers
through his brown hair" -- again, you guessed it, matches description with me, and not the
NPC.
She is now positively leering at me like I'm a cartoon steak.
Rich catches on to this and looks as uncomfortable as I feel.
Annie is giggling.
I assumed this was just nervous laughter.
Not so.
I quite firmly cut to black this time, but Trish looks oddly satisfied and spends the
rest of the session, which lasts less than half an hour, just staring at me and exchanging
looks with Annie.
At the end of the session, I'm sat with the three of them, finishing drinks before they
all head home.
Trish asks to use the bathroom, and excuses herself.
Annie then gets up and declares that she's going home, and asks if poor, innocent bystander
Rich will walk her across campus.
They abruptly leave.
I wait for Trish to come out of my room.
For 5 minutes.
At this point I'm like "if she's taking a dump in there, that's such an absolute pisstake,
just wait until you get home?!"
So I walk into my room, preparing to knock on the bathroom door.
And what do I see?
I see Trish, and what, dear listener, do you expect that she's wearing?
Yep, that's right, there’s a pile of her clothes at the foot of my bed, and her sole
item of clothing are one of my t-shirts, and her fox ears.
Lying in what she apparently thought a "seductive pose" was supposed to look like.
If the only time you had heard the word “seduction” was in Japanese, and the sentence ended with
“Senpai”.
And as if this scene wasn't absurd and insane enough, she also purrs at me before giving
me this “look” which basically amounted to her stuffing as much of her bottom lip
under her teeth as is reasonably possible in what appeared to be an attempt to devour
her own chin, and blinking rapidly like she was trying to convey something in morse code.
Now, Trish is not an unattractive woman by any means, even in the midst of a mating ritual
considerably more bizarre than anything I’ve heard Sir David Attenborough narrate.
But I am absolutely not into her whatsoever.
I do not see her in that way, and honestly I find her a bit weird -- shocking, I know.
This should be a good enough reason on its own, but what takes this from just uncomfortable
and awkward to shockingly inappropriate is that, at this time, I had a girlfriend, which
she and everyone else at the table knew.
At this point I'm standing in the doorway, probably looking like I've seen a ghost, and
my brain has turned to mush, trying to decipher the incomprehensible spectacle unfolding before
my eyes.
She then stops eating her chin and says, "If you want your t-shirt back, you'll have to
take it off me."
I am now legitimately pissed off with her for this level of inappropriate behaviour.
I tell her, as calmly as possible, that she can keep the t-shirt, but she needs to leave.
She scowls at me and, and I truly wish I was joking, hisses at me like a cat.
Despite how deeply uncomfortable and annoyed I am -- it is an act of such sheer -- abject
absurdity that I cannot help but burst out laughing.
She immediately loses her mind, grabs her clothes in a bundle, and runs outside my flat
in just my t-shirt, screaming at me the whole way.
Apparently, either Annie or Rich has forgotten something, so they're about a hundred metres
away, walking back towards the flats.
They, and everyone else around, see this, barely clothed cat/fox woman throwing a hyper
tantrum over getting rejected, creating an utter spectacle in the quad, which is overlooked
by several blocks of halls, not to mention other students who just happened to be outside.
I would have been mortified if I wasn’t too busy being somewhere between utter, speechless
disbelief and repressing uncontrolled mirth.
Annie runs over and throws her coat over the now hysterically crying Trish, and then starts
berating me herself, calling me "selfish" and "ungrateful" and telling me how Trish
is better for me than my then-girlfriend.
I'm in utter shock and disbelief at this point; this is totally out of character for Annie.
Now knowing what to do in the midst of this bizarre and mutually humiliating meltdown,
I just give an apologetic wave and grimace to Rich, go inside, and close the door.
I call Dave and fill him in on whatever the hell just happened.
He's as baffled, shocked and angry as I am, especially after I describe Annie's reaction.
He calls her and demands to know what is going on.
As it turns out, Trish and Annie had concocted the events of the evening together.
Annie had informed Trish that Dave would not be present, making it a good night to "make
her move", and Trish had apparently described the rest of her cringe-inducingly misguided
plan.
This is also why Annie was giggling at Trish's in-character shenanigans earlier in the night,
and why she had so abruptly convinced Rich to leave with her when Trish had asked to
use my bathroom.
This, it seems, was "the signal".
Dave called me almost 2 hours later, which was almost 4am by this point, and said that
he had a huge argument and shouting match with Annie over the phone, and that they had
broken up.
I received a text from Rich the next day, saying he didn't want to play with us anymore
because he "couldn't handle the drama".
Although I explained to him that Trish would absolutely not be there again, I couldn't
really begrudge his decision to leave, with such a sour taste in his mouth.
I blocked Trish's number almost immediately after she left.
Dave and I never played D&D together again, though we're still friends to this day.
So that's it.
That's my one and only horror story, and most of it had absolutely nothing to do with the
actual game.
Sometimes the creepy, predatory weirdo isn't a basement-dwelling neckbeard, but a pretty
girl of half your size and with more screws loose than that piece of IKEA furniture your
grandma tried to put together, who apparently thinks acting like an anime catfoxwoman is
the height of seduction.
Cringe comes in all shapes and sizes.
It’s amazing she thought this was okay to do.
Have you ever seen something this bizarre?
Please let us know what you think and comment below!
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