-And I'm sorry about chasing you around that party.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember that. -Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
-Yeah, no, no. I love hanging out with you.
You're like the funnest guy at any party.
We have a great time when we hang out.
-I love it. I just -- I know. I just -- I don't know.
You just -- You always make me laugh. I --
[ Laughter ]
And this just happened --
It was just a couple days after you got in a car accident.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. -But you were making it funny.
-Yeah, yeah.
You know, I really make light of my tragedies in my life.
[ Laughter ] It's pretty fun.
I actually -- when I flew here --
well, not a tragedy, but --
-Right, but you flew first class I'm assuming.
-I did. I was on Jet Blue. Thank you.
[ Laughter ] I know.
And it's fine, you got to deal with them.
But I flew first class.
But Jet Blue -- let me tell you.
[ Laughter ] Higgins, listen.
I -- they have -- Here's their first class, how it's laid out.
They have two seats and then one seat.
Do you know this? And then two.
So it's like a little apartment. It's one seat.
And with that little two-foot door.
So I really milk it out.
You know it, I milk that first class.
[ Laughter ] Yeah. Yeah, I --
[ Laughter ] I give some to the kitties.
[ Laughter ] -Give some to the kitties?
-It's milk.
-I know. Give some to kitties.
-I get in there,
and then I really put her through the wringer.
Like, when the flight attendant comes by, I make her knock.
She's like --
I go, "Yes?" [ Laughter ]
"Who's there?"
And she goes, "The lady, flight attendant."
I go, "I'm not seeing anyone right now."
[ Laughter ] "I got your peanuts."
I go, "Oh, come in."
And then she comes in. -Like a little old lady?
-Yeah. Then she goes like this and I go, "Ah!"
And she goes, "Ah," wipes her feet.
[ Laughter ]
And then I go, "Do you have Sky Mall by any chance?"
She goes, "Oh, they don't even do that anymore."
I go, "Could you try to scare one up for me?"
[ Laughter ] And then she shuffles off.
and then when I get up to leave, I close my little door,
and then I go, "Zzz."
I lock it. 'Cause I was robbed recently.
-Oh, this is true?
-Yeah, so I have to lock my little door.
-What an interesting life this is.
-Yeah. -What happened?
-More tragic than interesting, but yeah.
I got robbed recently, and -- -Whoo!
-Right after -- -No! No, that's not --
-Hey! -No, don't whoo that.
You go, "Oh, is everything okay?"
-It is a drag. No, I -- -What happened?
-I went -- first of all --
Here's what happened, real quick.
I know I got other stuff to talk about, but I live --
where I was, when I came home one day,
my blinds were up.
And it's not normal that my blinds are up,
'cause they're really tough to pull up.
They're, like, old ones and I can't do it.
[ Laughter ] So they were up halfway,
and I was like, "Hmm, curious."
But I go, "No one did that?" And they go, "No."
So when I went to bed at midnight,
I have a shotgun by my safe
in the back of my bathroom in the closet.
So I go, "I'm just gonna bring the shotgun
closer to me when I sleep."
'Cause I was a little uneasy.
You know when you think someone's been in your house?
I don't know what's going on.
I go to grab it, safe's gone. Gone.
-Wait, the safe is gone? -I freaked out.
I was like -- You get, like, the chills.
I go, "Oh, my God. Someone's in my house.
Someone's been in my house."
The whole thing's gone, you know?
And so, I didn't know what to do.
-That's a violation. -But I didn't call the cops.
-You didn't? -No, 'cause I'm tough.
So I waited. [ Laughter ]
Plus, I had a gun. Like, how much can happen?
It's already over. That's what I kept telling myself --
It's already over. They're not coming back.
So I don't know if they're in my house or whatever.
So I wait till morning.
The cops come over and then they --
The weird thing is, I have had a lot of workers in my house,
'cause I -- upstairs in my bedroom
I have two bathrooms, 'cause it's a mansion.
[ Laughter ] No, it's not.
Jimmy! [ Applause ]
It's -- That's what everyone says.
Those aren't my words.
-[ Retching ]
-Jimmy, I don't know. 77 bedrooms, 55 windows,
I don't know what to call it. I don't know what they say.
So in the old days -- it was built in the '70s.
I'm like Zsa Zsa Gabor.
It's got two bathrooms, which is actually nice,
but they're old, so I'm getting them redone.
So I get the one redone, there's a lot of people in there.
So I go, "Hmm, maybe one of them."
The cops come over and then they grill me with all the questions.
"Was the safe closed?"
"I think. Why would they carry it out?"
[ Laughter ]
If it's open scrape out the garbage and scram, you know?
-They're not stealing safes. -They need a workout?
So then he goes,
"Do you have any friends that are down on their luck
or low on cash?"
I go, "Oh, do you want me to forward you my contact list?"
[ Laughter ]
It's literally my whole clown-tourage.
He goes, "Do you know any sketchy chicks?"
I'm like, "Does Craigslist count?
I don't know." [ Laughter ]
So he goes -- Now I know they're running out of ideas.
He goes, "Do you think it's karma?"
What -- And he goes, "'Cause you know,
if you do something bad it comes back.
Maybe we should stay out of this one."
I go, "No, I think you should stay in it."
-What? -"Let's crack the case.
I think you're sort of dodging it.
You might be new."
And then the last thing I said --
"It's a pretty heavy safe.
What if they can't even open it? That'd be great."
And he goes, "No, that kind of safe,
you push it off a one story, it'll pop right open."
I go, "Oh, I didn't know it was a piñata."
[ Laughter ] -You got a piñata?
-That wasn't the sales pitch, yeah.
"Oh, you crack an egg on it wrong,
it pops open like a jack-in-the-box."
-Crack an egg on your safe. -Thank God I still --
This watch, 50 grand.
And it's fake! [ Laughter ]
-Why would you pay $50,000 for a fake --
-Those morons! Oh, wait a second.
Yeah, you're right.