I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK.
I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THIS WEEK
BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN THIS WEEK.
HOW CAN WE GUESS WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN WE CAN'T BEGIN TO
EXPLAIN HOW WE GOT HERE?
(LAUGHTER) HOW DID DONALD TRUMP GET THE
NOMINATION?
I KNOW I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.
BUT I THINK I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO MIGHT BE ABLE TO.
EXCUSE ME.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
HOLD ON.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (KNOCKING)
>> NOT POKEÉMON ANYMORE.
GO PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS SOMEWHERE ELSE.
>> Stephen: IT'S ME!
COME ON IN!
LET'S GET SOME JERKY, I'M MAKING IT MYSELF!
>> Stephen: NO, I KNOW YOU AND YOUR BEARD ARE VERY BUSY THESE
DAYS BUT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU IT'S THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL
CONVENTION THIS WEEK.
>> NO, I THINK THEY HAD ONE OF THOSE FOUR YEARS AGO!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE DOING ANOTHER ONE.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THE NOMINEE.
>> JEB BUSH WILL BE THE GREAT NOMINEE.
>> Stephen: JOHN, IT'S NOT JEB.
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHO THE CANDIDATE IS.
>> BEFORE YOU TELL ME, I'M A LITTLE PARCHED, IF I MAY.
>> Stephen: WANT TO TAKE A LITTLE --
>> JUST ENOUGH TO WET THE WHISTLE BEFORE YOU TELL NEE
NOMINEE.
SO BEFORE YOU SAY THE NAME, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I WOULDN'T MIND
BRINGING LIQUID -- >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU DON'T
KNOW.
READY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT'S DONALD TRUMP.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: YEP!
THE GUY FROM THE A(THETIES?
>> Stephen: YEP.
THE GUY WHO DID THE McDONALD'S COMMERCIAL?
>> Stephen: SAME GUY.
THE GUY WHO FILED BANKRUPTCY IN 1991.
>> Stephen: AND '92.
AND 2004.
>> Stephen: AND 2009.
THAT GUY, MIKE TYSON'S BUSINESS ADVISOR, THAT GUY?
>> Stephen: INDEED, THE SAME GUY.
>> THE GUY WHOSE EYES LOOK LIKE TINY VERSIONS OF HIS MOUTH.
>> Stephen: DECOMPOSING JACK-O'-LANTERN.
>> A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE HERE'S WEARING A DONALD TRUMP COSTUME.
>> Stephen: YES, A LOOSE FITTING ONE.
THAT'S THE GIERCHLTS A GUY WHO WROTE "OFTENTIMES WHEN I WAS
SLEEPING WITH ONE OF THE TOP WOMEN IN THE WORLD, I WOULD SAY
TO MYSELF, CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT I AM GETTING?"
>> Stephen: YES, THE SAME GUY WHO SAID "I HAVE BLACK GUYS
COUNTING MY MONEY, I HATE IT.
THE ONLY GUYS I WANT COUNTING H MY MONEY ARE SHORT GUYS WHO WEAR
YAMAKAS ALL DAY ."
>> THAT GUY.
>> Stephen: YES.
BY THE WAY, WE WEAR THEM ALL NIGHT, TOO.
>> Stephen: YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M ASKING FOR.
I'LL WAIT.
(FRANTIC MUTTERING AND SCREAMING)
>> THE GUY FROM THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION.
THAT GUY.
>> Stephen: HELLO, FRIEND.
I'M SORRY I CAN'T HELP YOU, JON AND I ARE VERY HAPPY LIVING OFF
THE GRID, MAKING JERKY AND CANNING OUR OWN URINE FOR THE
END TIMES.
>> YOU SAID IT WAS GATORADE.
>> Stephen: I'M SURE JEB BUSH WILL BE A FINE CANDIDATE.
>> IT'S NOT JEB, ACTUALLY.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE JEB A FEW YEARS AGO.
BUT DIFFERENT GUY.
>> Stephen: WHO IS IT?
WET YOUR WHISTLE BEFORE YOU DO.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
YES.
>> Stephen: LET ME GET A MOUTHFUL.
>> IT'S DONALD TRUMP!
>> Stephen: WHAT!
YES!
>> Stephen: GET OUT OF MY WAY!
CALL ME IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE!
OH, THAT'S GOOD URINE.