>>> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. I'M DR. MARKOWITZ WITH NASA AND
THIS IS DR. HANDLY WITH THE INSTITUTE FOR TEMPORAL
ANOMALIES. >> WE'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY
INTERESTED IN YOUR STORY AS YOU'RE THE FIRST THREE PEOPLE TO
HAVE EXPERIENCED A VERIFIED TIME TRAVEL EVENT.
>> THIS IS BANANAS. I MEAN, WE WERE JUST THREE BUDS
WATCHING TV AND NOW, WE'RE QUANTUM PIONEERS.
>> NOW PLEASE TELL US HOW THIS TIME PORTAL APPEARED.
>> I GOT A THREE-MONTH TRIAL, WE WERE WATCHING
RAY DONOVAN ON SHOWTIME, AND I'M A FAN, I'M A SUCKER FOR FLAWED
HEROES, GOOD PERSON, BAD DEEDS, THAT DICHOTOMY IS VERY RICH TO
ME. >> WONDERFUL.
BUT IF YOU COULD FOCUS ON THE TIME TRAVEL.
>> UH, RIGHT, YEAH, WELL, ME AND HER, WE WAS ON THE COUCH WHEN
THIS GLOWING MAJESTIC GATEWAY APPEARED AND WE DRIFTED INTO IT.
AND WE FOUND OURSELVES IN A GORGEOUS CITY MADE ENTIRELY OF
CRYSTAL OR SOMETHING. >> YEAH, AND WE WERE WELCOMED BY
A GROUP OF PEOPLE MADE UP OF JUST ALL THE RACES IN THE WORLD
AND THEY SAID, WE ARE THE COUNCIL OF HUMANITY, THIS IS THE
FUTURE. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> AND YOU, MISS RAFFERTY? >> YEAH, A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR
ME, I MUST HAVE BEEN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE PORTAL OR
SOMETHING, BECAUSE I WASN'T SO MUCH WELCOMED TO THE FUTURE AS I
WAS VIOLENTLY SUCKED A MILLION YEARS INTO THE PAST.
I WENT TO CAVEMAN TIMES, MAN. I GOT YANKED SO HARD, MY SWEATS
AND MY SNEAKS STAYED IN THE PRESENT.
SO I LAND ASS UP FACE DOWN IN THE MUD WITH MY COOTER AND
TOOTER ON FULL DISPLAY. AND I'M THINKING, "GOSH, LAST
TIME I WAS IN THIS POSITION, I GOT KICKED OUT OF WOODSTOCK
'99." >> AND WERE THERE PEOPLE THERE
TO WELCOME YOU AS WELL? >> "PEOPLE" IS SUCH A STRONG
WORD. YOU KNOW ON THE
EVOLUTION CHART WHERE YOU SEE HOW THE MONKEYS BECAME HUMAN?
THESE GUYS HADN'T HIT THE HALFWAY MARK YET.
>> LET'S FOCUS ON WHAT HAPPENED IN THE FUTURE.
>> IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, I WOULD HAVE WEPT BUT I WAS ALL CRIED
OUT FROM WATCHING "NURSE JACKIE" ON SHOWTIME.
>> THESE TWO ARE WALKING AROUND WAKANDA, MEANWHILE, WHERE I'M
AT, IT'S THE RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, ALL 50 OF THESE
HAIRY MONKEY PEOPLE ARE RUBBING ME WITH THEIR BUTTS.
IT AIN'T EXACTLY A TUSCAN SUNSET.
>> PERHAPS THIS WAS SOME SORT OF PRIMITIVE RELIGIOUS RITUAL?
>> BUDDY, GOD HAD NO PART IN THIS.
THEY WERE MARKING ME WITH THEIR SCENT.
AND THESE GUYS WEREN'T EXACTLY ZESTFULLY CLEAN.
THEY ZEBRA STRIPED MY T-SHIRT SO MUCH, I LOOKED LIKE A FOOT
LOCKER EMPLOYEE. IT'S NEVER EASY MAKING NEW
FRIENDS, RIGHT? >> NOTED.
AND WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IN THE FUTURE?
>> WE WAS TAKEN TO THIS PLACE CALLED THE OCULUS AND INSIDE WAS
ALL THESE GATEWAYS TO OTHER SOLAR SYSTEMS.
>> EACH ONE WAS A PLANET THEY HAD COLONIZED.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS CHOSEN TO WITNESS THIS.
>> I TOO WAS CHOSEN. CHOSEN BY THE ALPHA FEMALE TO BE
HER NEW GIRLFRIEND. SHE COMES AT ME LIKE A
SILVERBACK, RIGHT? RAGDOLLS ME.
AND LOOK, I REALLY AIN'T INTO LADIES BUT IF NOTHING ELSE IS
OPEN, I'LL EAT AT A TACO BELL, YOU SMELL WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> YES, I THINK I DO. >> SO ANYWAY, THIS GAL WANTS TO
BOND, RIGHT? DO YOU MIND, DEX?
SHE CLIMBS ON MY BACK, RIGHT, SHE STARTS PICKING AT ME,
LOOKING FOR STUFF TO EAT. AND UNFORTUNATELY SHE'S FINDING
A BUFFET. SO I GUESS THE SNACK GOT HER IN
THE MOOD BECAUSE THEN SHE STARTS LIKE GRINDING INTO MY HEAD,
TRYING TO MATE WITH MY HAIR, I GUESS.
SHE'S USING MY FACE FOR LIKE A HANDHOLD.
THEN SHE GOES BACK TO EATING, CLIMBS AROUND THE FRONT AND SEES
MY EAR, WHICH I GUESS SHE THINKS IS SOME KIND OF VENDING MACHINE
BECAUSE SHE'S JUST -- SHE'S CANDLING.
BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAX. OKAY.
THEN FOR THE GRAND FINALE SHE REACHES DOWN, SHE POPS A FINGER
UP HER KEESTER, AND I'M LIKE, HEY, CURIOUS GEORGINA, LAST
PERSON TO TRY THAT NEVER SAW HIS WEDDING RING AGAIN.
>> YES. THANK YOU FOR THAT.
>> NO PROBLEM. AND THANK YOU, DEX.
>> YOUR JEANS RUG BURNED MY NECK.
>> I GOT BUSHED, SMUSHED BY A CAVE WOMAN.
YOU'LL LIVE. >> NOW, HOW WERE YOU ALL BROUGHT
BACK TO THE PRESENT? >> UMM, WELL, THE PORTAL OPENED
UP, AND THE COUNCIL SAID WHEN FEAR IS REPLACED BY TRUST, YOUR
WORLD WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE. SO THEN WE WERE HOME.
>> YEAH. IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. RIGHT UP THERE WITH GETTING THAT
EMAIL THAT SAID YOU'VE BEEN SELECTED FOR A FREE MONTH OF THE
SHOWTIME CHANNEL. >> SEE, THAT'S PISS IN MY
PORRIDGE BECAUSE WHEN I DOVE IN THE PORTAL TO GET HOME, STILL
PANTSLESS, MIND YOU, I LANDED DOWNWARD DOG IN A GRAND HYATT
CASINO WITH MY BEAN BURRITO IN BARRY LEVINE'S FACE.
>> WHO IS BARRY LEVINE? >> A YOUNG MAN WHO WILL NEVER
FORGET HIS BAR MITZVAH.
>> WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU ALL FOR A MEDICAL EXAM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]