CONSERVATIVES AROUND THE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN INTRODUCING BATHROOM
BILLS TO PREVENT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE FROM USING BATHROOM OF
THEIR CHOICE. SO I GUESS THEIR POINT IS, IF
YOU ARE A PEDOPHILE AND YOU WERE BORN A MAN YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED
TO SNEAK INTO THE WOMEN'S ROOM AND ATTACK GIRLS.
YOU HAVE GOT TO STAY IN THE MEN'S ROOM AND ATTACK BOYS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE HAVE ANY BATHROOM LAWS ANYMORE.
ANY ONE COULD WALK INTO ANY BATHROOM AT ANY TIME.
IF I AM IN A MEXICAN RESTAURANT. I CHOOSE THE WRONG DOOR 50% OF
THE TIME. MY SPANISH JUST ISN'T THAT GOOD.
I THINK THE REAL IRONY OF THIS BATHROOM BILL IS THAT BATHROOM
BILL SOUND LIKE THE PERFECT NAME FOR A RESTAURANT PERVERT.
BATHROOM BILL IN HERE PEEKING UNDER THE STALLS.
GET OF HERE. DON'T JUST PUT ON A WIG AND COME
BACK AS BATHROOM JILL. >> MEXICAN RESTAURANTS DON'T
HAVE PICTURES. >> SCULPTURE OF KNEELING ADOLF
HITLER WAS SOLD AT AUCTION FOR MORE THAN $17 MILLION.
DEPICTS HITLER ON HIS KNEES BEGGING PEOPLE TO STOP COMPARING
HIM TO DONALD TRUMP. FORTUNATELY, IT WAS SOLD TO A
JEWISH MAN WHO WAS ABOUT TO HAVE THE GREATEST SNAP CHAT OF ALL
TIME. >> THERE'S AN INSPIRATIONAL
VIDEO THAT'S GONE VIRAL CALLED, "IT'S NEVER TOO LATE," WHICH
CLAIMS YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS OUR OWN LESLIE JONES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH.
THANK YOU, COLIN. GREAT TO BE HERE.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING? >> OH, COLLIN.
OH. >> COME ON.
BUT MAN, I AM 48. AND LAST MONTH I TORE MY ACL
PLAYING A NINJA IN A COMEDY SKETCH.
MY WHOLE LIFE I WANTED TO BE A NINJA.
MY 48-YEAR-OLD KNEE WAS LIKE, BITCH, YOU ISI NOT A NINJA.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] THE ONLY THING YOU DO IN BLACK
PAJAMAS IS WATCH "THE CHEW." [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT VIDEO MADE ME REALIZE YOU CAN ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS AT
ANY AGE. YOU KNOW?
DID YOU KNOW THAT HARRISON FORD AT 30 WAS A CARPENTER.
VERA WANG DIDN'T DESIGN HER FIRST DRESS UNTIL SHE WAS 40.
EVEN CAP CHIN -- CAP CHIN CRUNCH JOINED THE NAVY AT 50.
ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT YOU YOUNG ONES IS RUNNING AROUND HERE
TRYING TO BE SOMEBODY WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE YET.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO OPRAH AT 23.
SHE GOT FIRED. IFFAGE IN FIRING OPRAH.
>> WELL, THAT WAS A MISTAKE. >> NO IT WASN'T.
BECAUSE THE SHE WASN'T OPRAH. SHE WAS JUST SOME 23-YEAR-OLD
PUNK WHO NEEDED TO GET FIRED SO SHE COULD BECOME OPRAH.
SOME TIMES YOU HAVE GOT TO FAIL TO SUCCEED.
>> WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 23? >> MAN, I DON'T KNOW.
MY FIRST PART OF MY 20s WAS LIKE A SEXUAL BLUR.
YOU KNOW? [ LAUGHTER ]
THERE WAS SOME JOBS. LIKE, TEMP JOBS.
UPS. >> I WAS GLAD I GOT FIRED.
YOU KNOW, LORNE MICHAELS, CREATED "SNL" 41 YEARS AGO.
BUT MAYBE IF HE WAS FIRED LIKE OPRAH, HE WOULDN'T STILL BE
WORKING THE SAME DAMN JOB. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OUR GENERATION IS MUCH HEALTHIER NOW.
MY DAD DIDN'T HYDRATE, HE DRANK SCOTCH.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] MY DAD DIDN'T EXERCISE.
HE DRANK SCOTCH. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES NOW.
WE DO PILATES, WE GOT JAMIE LEE CURTIS TO KEEP US
REGULAR. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE DO YOGA. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
>> YOU DO YOGA. PILATE.
>> YOU DO YOGA. WELL, NAMASTE.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE YOGA POSITION?
>> DOWNWARD FACING COLIN. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> I JUST WANT TO NAMA YOUR STE, BOO!
>>> NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO HELP
REDUCE THE DEER POPULATION ON STATEN ISLAND GIVING THE MALE
DEERS VASECTOMIES, SINCE DEER ABORTIONS ARE ILLEGAL DUE TO THE
CASE OF DOE VS. WADE.
>>> A MAN WAS SAVED WHEN DOMINO'S PIZZA CONCERNED ABOUT
HIS ORDER. PART OF DOMINO'S NEW SLOGAN, YOU
DIE WHEN WE SAY YOU DIE. >>> BEYONCE MADE AN ALBUM CALLED
LEMONADE WHICH HIGHLIGHTS JAY-Z'S INFIDELITY AND THAT
ADVICE AT A SECRET RAPPER'S MEETING.
HERE TO TALK MORE ABOUT THIS, IS OUR OWN JAY PHAROAH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT UP, JAY.
>> HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON JAY, SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THERE'S A
SECRET RAPPER'S MEETING? >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
WE MEET UP EVERY THREE MONTHS. AT P DIDDY'S ABOVE GROUND
SUBMARINE. >> REALLY?
WELL, TELL US WHAT HAPPENED. >> FIRST, JAY Z GOT UP, RIGHT.
AND HE WAS LIKE, YEAH, UH UH UH. YEAH, SO DEFINITELY.
ME AND BEYONCE ARE LIKE BEEFING, YOU KNOW.
I'M TIRED OF SLEEPING IN BLUE'S WINE CELLAR.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I'M SORRY.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND THEN 50 STARTED LAUGHING.
AND THAT'S WHEN 50 WAS LIKE, HA-HA-HA HA-HA.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND WHAT UP?
HEY, JAY, MAYBE YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE, JUST A LITTLE BIT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] TRUST ME, I'M GOOD WITH WOMEN.
I GOT VIVICA FOX TO EAT MY BUTT. HA-HA-HA-HA.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >> SO, 50 CENT WAS THERE?
>> YEAH. AND THEN TI SAYS, AYE, AYE, AYE,
BEYONCE HAS TO REMEMBER THE OBSTACLES OF THESE PARTICULAR
CIRCUMSTANCES. HEY, YO, YO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT TI SAID, YOU KNOW, BUT IF HE WAS A BROTHER LIKE ME,
SOMEBODY GOT TO ASK YOUR GIRL, WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?
AND THEN WAYNE WAS LIKE, IT IS WEEZA BABY, AND BEYONCE IS A BAD
CHICK AND YOU NEED TO PATCH IT, UH-HUH, UH-HUH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH. >> WERE THERE ANY RAPPERS I
LIKE? LIKE, YOU KNOW, WILL SMITH?
>> OH, DAMN, THAT'S CRAZY INSANE.
CHECK IT OUT, MIAMI. OOH-HOO.
>> YEP, YEP. I GOT MY MONEY'S WORTH.
SON OF A GUN. >> YOU FOOL.
WERE ANY WOMEN THERE? >> NICKI MINAJ WAS THERE.
SHE WAS LIKE, OH, MY GOD, LIKE, YOU KNOW, NEVER WOULD CHEAT ON
ME. IF HE DOES -- THEN I'LL KILL
HIM! AND THEN, AND THEN, DRAKE WAS
LIKE, I MEAN, LIKE, OH YEAH, OH YEAH, OH YEAH, I NEED -- I MEAN
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG AND RELAX AND ALL THAT, YOU KNOW.
>> HOLD ON, WAIT. I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.
JUST RELAX. >> YEAH, BRO, YOU DO SOUND LIKE
THAT. >> YOU CAN'T DO MY VOICE.
>> I CAN DO YOUR VOICE JUST LIKE THAT.
I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW. >> YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE ME.
AWE SAY, OH YEAH. >> OH YEAH.
>> DRAKE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. >> GOOD NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]