- We just left my parents house in San Diego,
I think the road trip's actually going to start, ahhh.
I'm kidding.
- [Alexa] Oscar don't do that.
- [Oscar] Hello and welcome back, my name is Oscar,
this is Alexa and we're on a road trip all over the country.
Having conversations with people
about life's big questions.
Today it's happiness, self acceptance,
and other trivial first world problems,
identity, let's get into it.
♫ Hey, hey, hey, hey
(upbeat music)
So last time we talked about loving yourself.
But to do that you've gotta be cool
with everything about yourself.
Good, bad, and the ugly.
And this is something easier said than done.
- [Man] That was easy.
- [Oscar] I mean does it just take time and come with age?
Or is it something that you could be working at.
'Cause look, I'm a pretty introverted person.
For the most part I'm pretty quiet in social settings.
And I hate that.
I want to be that person we all know
who's totally extroverted, cracking all the jokes,
and constantly voicing his or her opinion.
They're not always funny or right but they don't care.
That's the point.
They throw it out there without any hesitation
and that's what makes them awesome.
But then wishing to be like someone else feels wrong.
I mean am I supposed to work on being the person
I wish I was or accept and embrace the person I already am?
And doing that is tricky when I feel like happiness
is conditional, that I'll be happy once I have this or that.
You know, I'll be better in a few years when I'm smarter,
more successful, more friends, whatever.
I'm not proud of it but it's the truth.
And I as I'm saying this I'm realizing I sound
like a crazy person who all this caring what others think
and wanting to be liked and validated and perceived
a certain way, I feel like some narcissist
who think everyone sits around thinking about him.
And that's crazy.
I'm crazy.
Wait, am I cured?
Am I totally good now because I recognized all this?
Yeah, I think I am, not.
And this is what's confusing about this stuff.
And you have moments when you feel like you suck
and the world sucks and it's all total (grunts).
But then sometimes you feel great.
And think wow, life is good, not realizing that it could
be happening again by this time next week.
See the problem?
So how can we feel good most all the time?
That's where I'm trying to get.
As it turns out, a lot of people could relate to this.
- It's a great question to start with.
Not the easiest in the world to answer.
- I'm 43 years old and I still struggle.
- Everyday.
I still do.
- I used to doubt myself a lot.
- 'Cause I felt kind of lost in my 20s.
Especially my early 20s.
- Well on the outside everything looks all good.
- You sound a lot like me.
- I think we all lie when we say we don't care
what people say but man I sure used to care about that
a lot more than I do today.
- I still find myself asking am I doing this thing
because I want to do it or because I think other people
would perceive it a certain way.
- So they say at 20 you care a lot about what people
think about you and at 40 you don't care about
what people think about you and at 60 you realize
they don't think about you at all.
- [Oscar] That voice was Dan.
We found him on a bench in front of the ocean.
There's no video because I accidentally deleted the file.
Anyway what he says here pretty much encapsulates
the response we got from a lot of people.
Which is that with age and time you care less and less.
But if that's the case, what about the people my age
and younger who seem to leap over that whole thing?
- I don't know, I feel like some people are born with it,
don't you feel like there were kids in elementary school
and junior high and high school that just had that
swagger and they're just like I'm good.
- Some people figure it out real early.
I would say most of us don't.
It's just something we gotta work at every day.
Some of us gotta really struggle.
- [Oscar] I think underneath caring how others see us
is this wanting to be liked and accepted.
But this sort of puts you in a box.
For example, often times, especially in social settings
I find myself not saying or doing what my immediate
instinct is and this is because the second thought
that comes in my mind is wait, what if that sounds dumb?
What if it's not funny, that would be so embarrassing.
I'll just say quiet.
And then I'm just the awkward one who's just there.
- 'Cause sometimes you walk in a room
and see all these people and you're like, holy shit.
You know?
- I'm not gonna be the life of the party here.
I'm gonna come and watch from over here in the corner
and talk to people I know.
- For the most part I keep a small circle.
Very introverted so I talk deep into people,
I don't talk across, so when I go to a party,
I just talk to the person I came with usually.
- [Oscar] That was Ruben.
We met him through a mutual friend
and he let us crash on his couch for a few days.
And hearing him talk about how he is at parties was like,
holy crap, that's like me.
I mean I get so frustrated with myself
for being this way at things.
So it was this understanding that this
is just a character trait and not a flaw.
And not something for me to try and fix through change
but just realize that I'll never
be the life of the party guy.
Because it's simply not who I am.
- But you gotta realize most of the time
everybody's thinking the same thing too.
And even if they're (mumbles), we're all the same
and once you kind of have that mentality
in the back of your head, you realize
it doesn't really matter.
- People really rely on altering themselves
because they're not comfortable
with being in wherever they are.
- Oh if I was different this way then everyone
would like me more.
Really what you're saying is, I don't like me.
- [Oscar] And this is a tricky thing.
Because there can be so many layers
from physical to status to where we are in life.
But I think for me it comes from
being really hard on myself.
I focus in on the negatives and the parts I don't like.
Which in turn, makes me look at others that way.
- I think some people too are just so unforgiving
of other people and themselves.
- If you look at the world, you look at people.
We all have faults.
- Now I try to put myself in someone else's shoes
to understand their position so I can understand
the decision.
- I always try to remind myself that
the best thing I can do for them is to be loving and kind.
- [Oscar] So I've been trying to do just that.
Mainly because I know it's what we should do anyway
and it's just normal human decency stuff
but also because maybe I'll start
looking at myself that way.
But even still it all goes back to time.
I'm not old enough or mature enough
to really get a handle on this.
Which is a frustrating thought because then there's
this constant feeling of being incomplete.
- You go through those phases.
You just roll with it and then eventually you get through.
- I think in a lot of way that's how your character
is built you know, it's not built in a moment,
it's kind of built over time.
- There's always gonna be more.
And if you're looking for the best of something
you're never gonna achieve it, you can't achieve it
because there will always be a better.
- I think it's been about five years ago,
I was looking through some old wedding pictures.
And I kind of looked at the pictures and said,
man I wish I could be skinny like I was back then.
And it kind of hit me that you know, even then
I thought I wasn't skinny, I thought I was fat.
- [Oscar] And this was like (sputters).
It was such a simple way of putting it
that made me see how dumb it was to think
that happiness was something that will come in time
as I get wrinkly.
But what it's really about is right now.
To be happy and content with who we are,
where we are and what we have today.
And this doesn't mean we stop working on bettering ourselves
or our lives, but just that sometimes we're not
gonna be as tall as we wanted to be,
as funny or fit, successful or has many friends,
and realizing that that's not what's gonna bring
the feeling of contentment that we're missing.
But that being happy right now in this very moment
is what it's all about.
- Today is a moment.
You know, it doesn't have to be fireworks.
- There's no winning life.
So if you have a good Sunday afternoon
with a couple friends, you do win.
That is the best.
- Always be true and honest with yourself.
- My life's too short to worry about things
like being bashful or you know.
- Your true friends and everything accept you
for who you are and appreciate you for who you are.
- Like looking back, it's like when you don't let
those distractions take you over, like this is who I am.
- Only thing that you have, that you own,
is your self-confidence.
The mere fact that you have the self confidence
to come up, approach me, and talk to me today,
don't ever let anybody take that away from you.
- [Oscar] When the road trip ended,
I thought dang, I don't feel like a changed person.
But as I started going through all the conversations
we had it hit me, like whoa, we went up to a lot of
random people and opened up to them
and now I'm opening up to you.
Something I'd never done before for fear of being judged
or looked at funny.
And it's not until right now that I'm realizing
this whole thing has been an exercise in confidence
and self acceptance.
So that's pretty cool.
I mean it all goes back to what I talked about with love.
Being happy is a choice.
And I realize that it's a process.
That there'll always be ups and downs,
but right now I feel pretty good.
- Feel very fortunate to live a full good life.
And it has it's bumps but it's a good life.
- Hey guys thanks for watching.
So what makes you happy?
Let us know in the comments below.
- In the comments below.
- Below.
Below.
- [Announcer] Soul Pancake.
(upbeat dance music)