What the cannoli is to Italy, so the Twinkie is to the USA.
And despite an apparent legion of detractors, and a brief vacation from store shelves between
2012 and 2013, the Twinkie still stands proudly as a symbol of American culture, ingenuity,
and love of food that can't possibly be good for you.
Join us now for a tour of the secret life of the Twinkie...
Childhood is a time of experimentation, and searching for the person we want to be when
we grow up.
The octogenarian Twinkie is no different.
When it was younger it too had to "find itself."
Born in 1933 as a way to make use of seasonally unemployed snack-making machines, the Twinkie
first hit stores containing not the familiar vanilla cream filling, but rather a totally
punk banana cream filling.
As far as childhood fads go, this one lasted quite a while, but before the Twinkie could
become a surly teenager, World War II began, and switched off America's supply of bananas.
Left without its favorite ingredient, the Twinkie had no choice but to get sensible.
And there are fewer more sensible, or popular, flavors than vanilla.
By the time bananas started to become available again, the vanilla cream Twinkie was so popular,
there was no point going back.
The Twinkie is no ordinary cake.
Despite seeming like the softest, creamiest dessert when you open the packet, the fact
that it can sit on an unrefrigerated shelf for a disturbingly long time and still come
out soft and creamy means there's something else going on.
“This is what I think of your store!”
“Silly customer!
You cannot hurt a Twinkie!”
But this remarkable longevity is no accident—instead, it's the result of some remarkable science
that makes the humble Twinkie the baked equivalent of the Six Million Dollar Man.
But unlike Steve Austin...
... the Twinkie didn't need to crash an experimental plane to gain these advancements.
Many of the ingredients that you would expect to be in a cake, like eggs, milk, and butter,
are not in a Twinkie, because they spoil too easily.
Instead, the Twinkie's creators substituted those ingredients with some less-perishable
ones, like diacetyl, sodium stearoyl lactylate, polysorbate 60...and even more of your childhood
favorites!
And while Mr. Austin might be better at jumping, running, and being a secret agent, when you're
in the mood for something creamy and satisfying to put in your mouth, you're probably going
to choose a Twinkie.
“Now THAT’S the stuff.”
“There’s a right time for snacks and I say when.
And then I insist on Hostess, because they’re always so fresh.”
Despite what urban legends and creepy ladies in commercials would have you believe, the
Twinkie will not stay fresh forever.
In fact, the shelf life of the Twinkie as of 2016 is only 45 days, according to NPR.
But even though the Twinkie isn't the answer to your post-apocalyptic prayers, that's still
pretty good stamina for a small confection, and it's definitely tougher than most of the
fashionable "natural" food you buy, like the tomato.
So, as long as you're within 45 days of the apocalypse, feel free to eat Twinkies like
your life depends upon it.
But if you come across them too long after that, it might be best to save them for your
dog.
Considering its place in pop culture, you may not be surprised to learn that the humble
Twinkie has occasionally appeared in some big-screen adventures.
It appeared in the 1989 cult hit UHF, starring "Weird" Al Yankovic as, well, Weird Al, but
this time named George.
In the film, he tries to cheer up his friend with some help from our spongy yellow buddy:
In Ghostbusters, Egon uses a Twinkie to describe an overabundance of psychokinetic energy in
New York City.
In Die Hard, they become a running joke and their unusual composition becomes a topic
of conversation.
“What do they put in those things?”
“Sugar-enriched flour, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, polysorbate 60, and yellow
dye number 5!”
And in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
The confection is used to lure Genghis Khan into the future.
“Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?”
In 1978, Dan White, a cop-turned-politician in San Francisco, shot and killed Mayor George
Moscone, as well as gay rights campaigner and fellow politician Harvey Milk, in a dispute
over his position as a city supervisor.
During the trial, White's defense team claimed he should not be held fully responsible for
the murders, since he was severely depressed at the time.
To support this claim, the defense highlighted the formerly health-conscious defendant's
consumption of junk food, including Twinkies, as evidence of a dramatic change in his mental
health.
“Don’t you have any respect for yourselves?”
“This is absolutely gross!”
Despite Twinkies being mentioned exactly once during the trial, the press reported that
the defense had blamed White's depressed state almost entirely on eating Twinkies, spawning
the term "Twinkie Defense".
“Dan White claimed he shot Milk because he ate too much junk food that day.
This would later be known as the Twinkie Defense.”
“Is that for real?”
Twinkie-centric or not, the defense strategy worked.
White was actually acquitted of murder, and was nailed for "voluntary manslaughter" instead.
Great job?
Despite being an innocent bystander, guilty of nothing more than keeping bad company,
the Twinkie is now mentioned every time a defense lawyer attempts a Hail Mary argument,
and all it was ever trying to do was make people happy.
And maybe a little less hungry.
“The fresh snacks with a snack in the middle!”
In 1971, almost two decades before the Twinkie's acting career reached its brief apogee, it
actually held down a regular role, playing a heroic cowboy called Twinkie the Kid.
"Yahoo!"
"It's Twinkie the Kid!"
"Wow!"
Popular with the children — probably — the animated Kid went around saving the day and
handing out Twinkies everywhere he went, all in the name of boosting sales and consumption
of Twinkies … which, when you think about it, is more than a little creepy.
Because, you know, Twinkie the Kid is a Twinkie.
It's like if KFC's mascot wasn't Colonel Sanders, but was instead a mad, homicidal chicken,
looking put an end to chicken-kind once and for all.
Or, in an even better example, Twinkie the Kid is kind of like whatever this guy is.
On second thought, Twinkie the Kid is way less disturbing.
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