Everyone in my family is kind of funny.
My dad loves pranks.
That's like his favorite,
but he was never very good at pranks.
I remember my older brother
had his first loose tooth.
My dad tied a string
from his loose tooth
to the kitchen doorknob so
my brother and I figured,
okay, he's going to slam the door.
That's going to remove the tooth.
We focused on the door,
but that was just misdirection.
My dad lit a match and
waved it by my brother's face.
So he jumped and jerked his face away
and ripped that tooth out of his mouth.
(audience laughing)
That's not really a prank, Dad.
I think you just combined
fire and dentistry.
(audience laughing)
My dad's a big guy.
He's actually much bigger than me.
He's huge.
He lives off the
coast of Washington state.
Doesn't do any social media
or the internet.
I kind of love it.
My dad just loves salmon fishing,
berry picking and naps.
(audience laughing)
I know. He might be a grizzly bear.
When he would yell at me as a kid,
I'd just play dead.
It usually worked.
(audience laughing)
He loves berry picking.
I don't know anyone else.
He likes to go out
in the woods by himself
and pick a bunch of berries,
which I'm cool with,
but I'm like, Man,
when you go out there,
you better keep your shirt on
'cause some near-sighted
trophy hunter
is going to bag you,
tag you and mount you
in his living room as
bare as the day as you were born.
(audience laughing)
I just liked the idea of some
crazy trophy hunter like,
"Oh check out my collection, everyone.
"A beaver I shot in British Columbia,
"a mountain lion. I shot in Montana,
"and now for the crown jewel
"of my collection,
"a grizzly bear with alopecia.
(audience laughing)
"I shot him in the berry patch."
(audience laughing)
I was a tough kid to raise.
I only ever got spanked one time.
'Cause the first time
my dad spanked us,
he spanked me
and my older brother.
And when he spanked
my older brother,
my older brother just broke down,
and he did that little kid
ugly foghorn cry.
You know that one?
Where they just lose it.
(imitates a fog horn blowing)
And they get to the high point,
and they run out of breath,
but they've never run
out of breath before,
so they think they're dying.
Like (imitates boy choking)
(audience laughing)
And it's funny now,
but at that time, it was horrible.
I'm like, Oh man, that's our dad.
He's the man of the house.
We need him to respect us.
Even the family dog didn't
respect my brother after that.
He was sitting there like,
"Man, that was tough
"for me to watch and
"I couldn't even see it in color."
(audience laughing)
So I saw that and I thought, Travis
no matter what happens here,
don't cry.
You're gonna get spanked.
But don't cry.
And my dad spanked me
and I didn't cry.
But I did look back and smile at him.
(audience laughing)
You know,
I think my little brain was like,
Oh I'll just look back
and give him a cool confident smile.
Just let them know
no tears up here, papa bear.
Dry eyes, right?
I know the older son cried.
Perhaps a promotion is in order.
(audience laughing)
That's how my little brain worked.
But in real life, I just turned around
on my poor dad like
a freaky little weirdo.
Like, Ha-ha-ha.
What seems to be the problem, officer?
(audience laughing)
Poor guy.
He just walked right in the other room,
like, "Honey, we can't spank
"that one again.
(audience laughing)
"I'm not sure, but I think he liked it."
(audience laughing)
It worked out, though, man.
My dad would never spank me again.
And he also never hugged me.
(audience laughing)