>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A CANADIAN COMEDIAN MAKING HIS
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME, GRAHAM KAY!
♪ ♪ ♪
>> HI.
HI.
YES, YES, HELLO.
HI.
THANK YOU.
VERY NICE.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )
I KNOW.
YUP, YUP.
THANK YOU.
GOOD.
( LAUGHTER )
I'M.>> -- I'M DOING BETTER-- I'M DOING BETTER NOW.
I USED TO LIVE IN A 250-SQUARE-FOOT APARTMENT.
250 SQUARE FEET!
AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO CALCULATE SQUARE FOOTAGE--
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WHEN I READ THE AD--
( LAUGHTER )
CLOCK.
( LAUGHTER )
JUST SET THE ALARM FOR EIGHT HOURS.
ON POTATO.
( LAUGHTER )
DOING BETTER, THOUGH, I'M DOING BETTER.
I GOT BIG PERSONAL NEWS.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BIG PERSONAL NEWS.
I WANT TO SHARE IT.
I RECENTLY JUST MOVED IN WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND-- AND SHE MORE RECENTLY MOVED OUT.
( LAUGHTER )
OWN APARTMENT, FELL AS.
IT'S A LIFE TALK.
YOU TALK ABOUT A LIFE HACK, HOW TO GET YOUR VERY OWN APARTMENT
THAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD IN NEW YORK.
SHE'S GONE.
OH, BOY.
AND I CAN'T AFFORD THE APARTMENT MYSELF, SO WHAT I HAVE BEEN
DOING IS AIRBNBING OUT THE BEDROOM, AND THEN I LIVE IN THE
LIVING ROOM LIKE A MAN.
AIR BNB, WHAT AN AMAZING APP.
ISN'T IT AN AMAZING YAP?
BECAUSE WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO GO ON VACATION AND STAY WITH A SAD
GUY?
FLY ALL THE WAY FROM EUROPE TO LIVE WITH A BROKEN MAN!
THAT'S FUN FOR THEM, YEAH.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT AIR BNB IS, WHAT IT IS, IT IS UBER POOL
FOR YOUR MATTRESS.
YEAH, YEAH.
AND I AM A GERM-A-PHOB.
I SHOULD NOT BE OKAY WITH THIS.
BEFORE MY BREAKUP, "HEY, GRAHAM, HOW MUCH FOR COMPLETE STRANGERS
TO COME INTO YOUR HOME AND THEN HAVE SEX ON YOUR MATTRESS?
HOW MUCH FOR THAT SERVICE?" I WOULD BE LIKE, "OH, THAT'S
DISGUSTING.
LIKE THE PRICE OF 100 MATTRESSES."
AND NOW AFTER MY BREAKUP, I'M LIKE "$42."
( LAUGHTER )
$39!
PLEASE!
SO WHAT I DO WHEN I WAKE UP IN MY OWN BED, AND I KNOW I'M GOING
TO HAVE A GUEST THAT NIGHT-- THEY'RE MY GUEST-- WHAT I DO IS
I-- I FLIP THE MATTRESS TO THE SEX SIDE--
( LAUGHTER )
SEX SIDE.
AND WHEN IT'S MY TURN I FLIP IT BACK TO THE CRY SIDE.
THAT'S MY SIDE.
SEX SIDE-CRY SIDE SYSTEM.
THANK YOU.
VERY SMART.
OOUM A SCIENTIST, VERY BRIGHT YOUNG MAN.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M SOME SORT OF A LOSER, YOU KNOW.
I'M DOING BETTER IN MY CAREER.
I DECIDED TO TREAT MYSELF.
I'M LIKE MAYBE I'LL BUY MY FIRST-EVER TAILORED SUIT.
I TRIED TO BUY ONE.
IT DID NOT WORK OUT.
I DID NOT KNOW THIS BUT IF YOU ARE A MAN THE TAILOR WILL ASK
YOU WHEN WHICHWAY DO YOU LIE?
WHICH WAY DO YOU LIE?
NOW, I DID NOT KNOW WHAT HE WAS ASKING ME.
( LAUGHTER )
WHICH WAY MY PENIS HANGS.
TO THE RIGHT OR TO THE LEFT?
( LAUGHTER )
WAS ASKING ME, I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER BY HEART.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IS THAT SOMETHING I'M SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING TABS ON THIS WHOLE
TIME?
LIKE, EVERY MORNING, BEFORE I LEAVE THE HOUSE, I'M LIKE,
"LEFT!
HARD LEFT TODAY!
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S SO HE CAN LEAVE IN SOME EXTRA ROOM ON THAT SIDE.
GIVE IT SOME ROOM!
WHICH I HATE TO ADMIT, VERY PRESUMPTIONUOUS.
( LAUGHTER )
A BUG IN A RUG.
ALWAYS JUST BEEN A GOOD AMOUNT OF ROOM, NEVER BEEN A CONCERN,
YOU KNOW.
IN MY OWN DEFENSE, WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHO ARE GOING PANTS
SHOPPING?
THEY'RE LIKE, "HOPE ME PENIS FITS IN THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
SO THIS GUY, HE'S LIKE, "WHICH WAY DO YOU LIE?
WHICH WAY DO YOU LIE?" I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS ASKING
ME.
I THOUGHT HE WAS ASKING SOMETHING ELSE MORE PERSONAL
ABOUT ME!
HE'S LIKE, "WHICH WAY DO YOU LIE?"
I'M LIKE, "I'M STRAIGHT."
( LAUGHTER )
ARROW."
YOU BET.
HE'S LIKE, "THAT'S WEIRD."
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T THINK IT IS."
( LAUGHTER )
OF DAYS LATER...
( LAUGHTER )
SOCK IN THE MIDDLE.
I WAS LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
I HAVE TO PUT LOOSE CHANGE IN THERE TO HOLD IT DOWN ON WINDY
DAYS!
SO DIDN'T BUY EYE DIDN'T BUY THE SUIT.
MY NAME IS GRAHAM KAY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BYE.
>> Stephen: HIS ALBUM "GIRLFRIEND MATERIAL" COMES OUT
ON ITUNES NEXT MONTH. GRAHAM KAY EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.