- [Narrator] Hello, I'm here to talk about Amigas Y Rivales,
a Mexican telenovela that appears to be about
basic teenage problems, but is actually more disturbing
than any telenovela I've ever seen.
It has murder, it has incest, it has deportations,
and on top of that, it's also got insane
early 2000s fashions and dance moves.
So sit back and get ready to experience
one of the most traumatizing episodes
of Telenovelas are Hell.
Amigas Y Rivales tells the story of four young women.
There's Nayeli, who's poor and lives in a flooded hut
with her mom who looks like she's always smelling a fart
and desperately needs to get her roots dyed.
Nayeli dreams of moving to Hollywood
and becoming a famous star.
And she's preparing for it by singing in her living room
and playing a guitar that sounds like total crap.
The second of the girls is Laura.
She's middle-class, loves computers,
and has major daddy issues.
When we first see her, she's boiling two sad huevos
for her depressed alcoholic father.
Then there's Jimena.
She's rich and she's a bitch.
Jimena lives in a mansion
that's decorated with life-sized camels
and fish statues that won't stop vomiting.
Ever since Jimena's mother died,
she's been spending her time boozing,
hooking up with beefy guys,
sucking on cigarettes, and partying with her best friend,
the fourth of the girls,
a cracked out party animal named Ofelia.
The telenovela gets dark fast
when one day Nayeli is walking to work
and gets kidnapped by two drug addicts
that are so disgusting,
you can smell them through the screen.
One of them pulls a knife on her
and tries to take advantage of her,
except his hand slips and he stabs himself in the neck
and dies, classic move.
Nayeli gets scared she'll get blamed for his death,
so she decides to leave Mexico
and cross the US border in the back of a produce truck,
carrying nothing but her out-of-tune guitar.
As for Ofelia, well,
the telenovela gods come down on her hard
when she gets diagnosed with HIV in the first damn episode.
Think this is dark?
Well, it gets even darker.
Laura's disaster dad gets laid off,
so she's forced to get a job working for Don Roberto,
a creepy old man who looks like he's made of wax.
Don Roberto takes one look at her
and literally says, "What a beautiful little girl."
And then does what any boss would do to a new employee.
He gives her a makeover and takes her on a date.
To make matters worse, we find out that Don Roberto
is actually Jimena's father,
who recently married Roxana,
an evil garbage psychopath whose hobby is murdering people.
Okay, now let's get back to Nayeli
who's joyfully spinning in circles
because she's arrived to the US,
where she'll finally become a star.
Except she obviously doesn't.
Instead, she gets a job at a strip club
and starts dating an abusive man
who tries to take advantage of her,
which isn't funny, but what is funny is
the ceramic rooster with an American flag coming out of it
that lurks in the background.
Nayeli escapes this piece of shit
and moves in with Johnny Trinidad,
a young boxer who professed his love to her
while a stripper shook her ass in his face.
Johnny's a nice guy who always looks like he's constipated
and does this really annoying thing
where he says things in English
and then repeats them in Spanish.
- I'm not leaving. (Yo no me voy)
- [Narrator] Nayeli is happy and in love,
which obviously means something bad is coming her way,
and sure enough, she gets deported back to Mexico,
where she gets a job working as a maid for Jimena
and her family.
Now all four girls are living in Jimena's house,
who, by the way, gets deep into drugs
to cope with the fact that one of her best friends has HIV,
the other is dating her dad,
and her stepmom is dating her brother.
Jimena hits rock bottom after taking three pills of ecstasy,
having a seizure at the club,
and going home with a creep who locks her in his apartment
and prostitutes her in exchange for drugs.
If you think this is too much,
I suggest you watch Dawson's Creek
because this next level shit only happens in telenovelas.
(screams)
Ofelia devises a plan to rescue Jimena
with the help of her new boyfriend, El Feo,
a dweeb who's covered in acne and dances like crap.
El Feo proposes to her by putting a ring
on this terrifying pineapple with a face on it
that's something straight out of a nightmare.
(screams)
Things are finally going well.
Jimena goes to rehab, Nayeli gets discovered
and gets booked on a TV show where she's to play
the love interest of none other than her long-lost love,
Johnny Trinidad.
And everyone lives happily ever after.
Of course they don't.
Things between Nayeli and Johnny Trinidad,
who is now a famous boxer slash actor, don't work out
because he's addicted to cocaine and champagne.
But get this, Laura dumps Don Roberto
because she falls in love with Robertito.
When Don Roberto finds out,
he gets so jealous, it gives him a stroke.
Roxana has now lost both father and son to Laura,
and she's ready for vengeance.
So during the girls' graduation party,
she dresses up as a cloaked goblin
and has a bunch of waiters unleash a thousand bullets
onto the girls and their families.
A ton of people get shot, and for some reason,
Roxana tries to choke the sweet old lady
who has done nothing to anyone.
Luckily, Roxana pours acid on her own face by mistake,
which ruins her plan.
She gets locked in an insane asylum with a face so deformed,
it looks like someone took a shit on it.
The telenovela ends with all the friends
staying up all night and greeting a new day
by standing inside a flower made out of balloons.
The end.