[Soundtrack: "Title Screen" - "X-Men (1993 Sega Genesis Game)]
♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♪
♪ He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪
♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer ♪
♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪
♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
I remember one time in school I had an "X-Men" coloring book, and the teacher looked over and said:
"Hmm... 'X-Men', huh?"
"There's women in there, too, aren't there?"
"That's kinda sexist."
And I said: "Well, what's wrong with being sexy?"
No, I didn't say that, but I've always remembered that, because it's a good point.
I guess "X-People" just... doesn't sound as good.
Well, anyway, here is the NES "X-Men".
Say that three times fast: "NES X-Men", "NES X-Men", "NES X-Men".
Well, anyway, with a concept like "X-Men", you'd expect a great game,
or at least, a fairly decent game.
All the characters and powers and shit,
how hard could it be?
Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look.
Somebody makes an X-Men game for Nintendo,
why in the love of fuck does it have to be LJN?
You take one look at that logo, and you just know,
there is no gold at the end of that rainbow,
because, this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death,
and I'm about to do the unthinkable.
I'm about to stick this abomination in my Nintendo.
You'd rather stick your dick in a piranha's mouth!
Here we go. "Marvel's X-Men".
Is that the official title?
The label calls it "The Uncanny X-Men".
I say screw that! File it under "X" for "X-Men", plain and simple.
First, you select a stage.
Couldn't there have been something a little more interesting than just plain text?
Any other game would have had some kinda visual.
Then you select two characters.
Even if you're playing a 1-player game, the CPU feels the need to join the fun.
This is the most sensitive select screen in the history of games.
You have to gently tap the Select button, or else it flashes through all the characters faster than you can say "fuck".
Here we go.
Wow, look at this mess. It's all coming back to me now.
This is one of those games I rented from the video store, and wasted one of the weekends of my sad, pathetic life.
Look at this. Cluttered pixels, scrambled textures, shit flying everywhere. It's a disaster.
The characters look like stiff, mangled, colored shapes that barely represent who they're supposed to be.
Cyclops looks the same as Storm.
All they did was recycle the same character and color them all different.
They all play the same, too.
There's minor differences: Some can take a little more abuse than others, or go slightly faster,
but these differences are barely noticeable.
The only major difference is that some characters shoot and some don't.
The ones that don't shoot are stuck with this indefinable lunge attack.
Look at it. What is he doing?
If you pause it, you'll see it's the same position as when he's walking.
It just jabs forward. It's embarrassing.
And what character would you pick?
Would you pick a character that shoots lasers,
or would you pick a character that just goes around nudging everything?
So, here's my strategy and I think you'll agree.
You pick a character that shoots, and for the CPU, you pick a character that nudges.
Then, as soon as possible, you let the computer get killed.
Yes. The sooner that worthless bitch bites the dust, the sooner you can be free,
because the computer does nothing to help.
It just wanders around and bumps into walls.
You end up getting stuck having to wait for its stupid ass.
You could do better if you play the game blindfolded.
That's no exaggeration.
Clearly, nobody tested this game.
How could this have passed?
And, whatever you do, don't ever give the computer a character with a projectile,
because, look.
It's like giving a little kid 10 pounds of sugar and a Super Soaker. It goes apeshit!
And it never, ever stops.
Oh, thank God.
All you want is the computer to die so you can get some peace and quiet.
When you're playing the 2-player mode with a real, live human being, it's fine,
but when I'm by myself, why do I have to pick two characters?
It's a complete waste.
The stages are just jumbled bullshit patched together into a disarray of madness.
It is a Nintendo game and you're supposed to use your imagination,
but had the game been designed well, you would at least know what you're doing.
Right here, I can't pass through these tiles,
even though they appear the same as all the other tiles around it.
If all this clutter at least had some consistency, it would be somewhat acceptable.
What's this right here, a hot dog in a bun? Or, more like a pig in a blanket?
And what's all this? Where am I, spaghetti zone?
Okay, what's happening now? I'm frozen? What the hell?
Oh, that's nice. Isn't that fair? That's like tying my hands behind my back.
And how can I be frozen with a character that's called "Iceman"?
I'd be better off with Iceman from "Top Gun".
Now, what's this shit? A laser barrier?
Aw, fuck.
I've had enough of this shit!
Well... after that disgrace, I'm happy to say there's an alternative.
Yep. Another "X-Men" game on Nintendo.
Just called "Wolverine". They didn't call it "X-Men 2" or anything like that,
because I imagine they were trying to distance it as much as possible from that other... piece of shit,
because the NES deserves one good "X-Men" game,
and I bet this one's gonna be much better, because after all-
What?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Both of them?
They made... both of them?!
Oh, my God... You'd think with a franchise like "X-Men", they'd give somebody else a try!
I don't wanna play this. I really don't wanna play this,
but I might as well get it over with.
It's like getting a needle. It might not be too pleasant,
but it'll be over before you know it.
This is the "Wolverine" title screen. Looks promising,
and here's the game.
Well, it's a sidescroller, and as you may predict, you can only play as Wolverine. That's fine.
I'd rather have one character done well than have a bunch of shitty characters that're all the same.
Wolverine looks more defined. When he punches and kicks, it actually looks like it. So, we're almost there.
But, isn't there something missing? Something you'd expect Wolverine to attack with?
His claws, right?
Yeah. Well, the Select button brings out the claws.
From there on, you can just slash everybody like you'd expect.
You may be wondering "Why in the hell would you not wanna have the claws out the whole time?"
Well, guess what. I'll tell you.
Every time you use your claws, it drains your life.
So, that kinda defeats the whole purpose, right?
So. just forget the claws, it would be nice to use them, but you can't.
The ducking is incredibly delayed.
When you push "Down", It doesn't just duck like any other game. It goes into this little animation.
It's unnecessary, and it makes it hard to avoid getting hit by something.
For powerups, we have burgers.
Yeah, what else could they be? They're fucking burgers.
And, we also have bottles, which could be anything, but I'm gonna assume they're beer.
That sounds about right. It's an X-Men barbecue: Burgers and beer.
Oh, fuck you! How cheap is it to put the burger right on top of a... a propeller?
What's up with the vocabulary? I've heard of an "Extra Life", or a "1-Up", but "Free Game"?
But now, it's time for the enemy roll call.
We have green rotary dial telephones, Silver Surfers in flying wheelchairs, Silver Surfers air guitaring, John McClane from "Die Hard", the Green Reaper throwin' skulls,
Frankenstein monsters wearing metal masks with visors like Geordi from "Star Trek",
and bubbles.
The hit detection is so bad. I try to punch the bubble, but I can never hit it before it hits me.
Don't mean to burst your bubble. [Laughs]
The boulders are another thing that's a pain in the ass.
They deliberately follow wherever you go.
Not only is it annoying, but it doesn't make any sense.
Are these boulders self aware,
do they know where you're standing,
or is there an evil elf inside the hole chucking shit down at you?
The levels are designed to be as frustrating as possible.
There's so many times when you need to jump down, not knowing if you're gonna land on a platform, or just fall to your death.
You just gotta take a shitty guess.
When you get hit, there's no recovery time either.
One simple mistake can drain all your life in only a matter of seconds.
It's as cheap as it gets.
The graphics are okay, but uninspired.
These platforms remind me of those things from the casino stage in Sonic 2.
You go around jumping on hoverboards and... these things, which look like blue candy canes,
but the swimming stage is when I really start to lose my mind.
It's confusing at first that you use "B" to swim, when in most games it would be the same button you use to jump,
but the hard part is when you have to dodge these little propellers.
It's worse than "Ninja Turtles", where you can't touch the electric seaweed,
but that's not enough. They have to send bubbles after you, too.
Look at this! It's fucking impossible.
Almost dead. Gotta get the beer.
[Grunts] I've had it up to my ass with this piece of shit!
In conclusion, this game's way better than the other one, but it's still a pile of donkey dicks.
The "X-Men" game I remember most fondly is the arcade by Konami.
Some versions had 6 players and a double panoramic screen.
It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all hell.
MAGNETO [In-Game]: "X-Men, welcome to die!"
"Welcome to die"? Okay...
It was a classic style "beat 'em up", and one of the best in that category.
Only problem: It was never released on a home console.
It suffered the same fate as Konami's "Simpsons" game.
Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts,
but if you look at how well "Turtles in Time" fared on the Super NES,
it only raises the question: "Why the fuck not do the same to 'X-Men' and 'Simpsons'?"
But oh, well, at least we got a couple decent "X-Men" games on Sega Genesis,
but, there's a few things about them which are fucked up. Let's take a look.
Well, the first game, you'll see it's a sidescroller again, but with good graphics and a selection of characters to choose from.
One minor thing I don't like is with Wolverine, you still have to get out your claws.
What's the big deal? Why are the claws so taboo?
Fortunately, you don't lose health when you use them, so it's a step in the right direction.
Another thing that's really weird is the stage select code.
On the title screen, you do the code like normal,
but, after that, you'd expect to see some kind of stage select screen,
but, no. Instead the game starts up like normal.
You have to walk over these panels in the background, which now suddenly represent the stages.
You have to go through the effort of counting the one you want, crouch down and hit "C", and then it warps you to the desired stage.
If you know the code, what's the point of having to do all that shit?
But the worst thing is that there's a stage where you're supposed to reset your Genesis.
Yes, you actually have to hit the "Reset" button to beat the stage,
but how are you supposed to know?
All that happens, there's a big blue computer in the air,
you destroy it, and then walk around like a dumbass trying to figure out what to do next.
If it would have said "Reset Your Genesis!", or at least give you some kinda fucking clue, that would be okay.
It would still be weird, but at least you would know what to do.
Not to mention if you were playing it on the Sega Nomad, you wouldn't even be able to do that, because it has no "Reset" button,
and the "Reset" button on my Genesis Model 2 is broken.
Good thing I have more "Genesises".
"Genesises"?
Is there a plural for "Genesis"?
Should I say "Genesi"?
At last, we have "X-Men 2: Clone Wars".
Hmm... "Clone Wars"...
Did George Lucas have anything to do with it?
You pop the game in, turn the power on, and before you know it, you're playing the game. That's it.
No title screen, not even the Sega logo. That doesn't happen 'til after you beat the first level.
You don't even get to pick a character. It just randomly selects it for you.
What kind of game does that?
Other than that, it's pretty damn good.
It's side-scrolling action on the Genesis at its best,
and guess what?
Wolverine's claws are out. Now doesn't that kick ass?
We went from having no claws, to having them hurt yourself, to just having them retractable, to just... having them.
It took us a long time to get there, but this one finally got it right.
When it comes to "X-Men" games, that's the one I recommend.
But the two NES versions, stay away.
Stay away as far as possible! They suck!
They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball!
Welcome to die!
[Soundtrack: "Title Screen" - "X-Men 2: Clone Wars"]