- Today, I'm gonna talk you through 10 things
toxic parents can say and do.
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And I'm gonna offer up five ways that you can respond.
If you're new here and you'd like to subscribe,
we would love to have you.
My name is Katie Morton, and I'm a licensed marriage
and family therapist
and on this channel, we talk about all things mental health,
from anxiety, to depression to eating disorders,
and much, much more.
I promise you will leave here with some helpful tools
and techniques to assist you or someone you love
in bettering themselves and improving their mental health.
Now let's jump into those 10 things.
Number one is do you know all the stuff I've done for you?
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Or anything said to make you feel like a burden.
When this is said to a child, this is done as a way
to cause us as the child to feel guilt
or to feel like we're a burden
and it can feel like our parents' decision to have us,
I wanna say that again, our parents' decision to have us.
Decision to have us is somehow our fault and has caused us
to be indebted to them and that debt can never be repaid
and this is really just a way for our parents
to project their own dissatisfaction
with their life and their choices.
I mean, think about it, they made a string of decisions,
whether you were even planned or not,
they made a string of decisions that led to them having you
and then they're gonna try to blame you
for those decisions that maybe they're not happy with
and trying to blame someone who had no say
in what took place is just wrong and sad.
Number two, you are such a disappointment.
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First connection.
Okay, our first relationship
with our primary caregivers, usually our mother, our father,
sometimes a grandma or aunt or uncle
but that first relationship is incredibly important
and part of how we develop our sense of self
and so hearing this from a parent
can be incredibly devastating.
It can even make us question our own self worth
and lead to things like anxiety, depression,
or suicidal thought.
Again, this is just a projection
of their own dissatisfaction with their life.
Number three.
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Commenting in any way about our child's appearance.
This could be that they're too tall, too skinny, too short,
too fat, too, whatever
and I think it's kind of obvious why this isn't okay.
If we're drawing attention to any part of our child's body
that can lead to them judging that part
even more harshly.
Leading to things like eating disorder, bad body image,
thinking those things about themselves,
all the way into adulthood.
Again, because these early relationships are so key
and it's like the lens that our parents see us through
when we are really little, is the lens
that we tend to see ourselves through as we grow up
and as you may have guessed, this is most likely
a reflection of their own dissatisfaction with their body
and their own body image issues
and I cannot tell you the number of patients I've had,
if you don't know, I specialize
in eating disorder treatment,
but the number of patients I've had whose parents
either also have an eating disorder or have their own
distorted image of their body
and instead of acknowledging their own issues
and getting help for that, they project it onto their child.
Number four.
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Is thinking that we are an extension of them
and are not our own independent and autonomous person
and this can be incredibly common
when we have a parent who is a narcissist.
They can see all of their children
as just mere extensions of them
and they can say things like,
"How could you do that, you're embarrassing me.
"I can't believe you'd act that way.
"Don't you know what that looks like to me
"or to people who know me?"
They make it all about themselves.
Not allowing you to be your own independent person,
disconnected from them in any way.
The thought that you would wanna do things on your own,
make your own decisions, and be independent
says to a narcissistic parent that they aren't as vital
or important as they think they are
and as we know, when we scratch that surface
or that fake facade that a narcissist puts up,
inside they're really hurt and vulnerable
and so they tend to lash out
and so by us being autonomous and independent,
we're essentially telling them,
I don't really need you as much anymore.
They feel threatened and can lash out.
Number five is not allowing for privacy.
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And this can happen a lot.
Parents can share things with their friends
or especially now online on Facebook and stuff like that,
they can share things about their children that are private
or embarrassing, like, I don't know,
my daughter started her period
or something that you wouldn't want everybody to know
and they do this without your consent.
They could also be reading our diaries, our emails,
having access to our social media.
You can see how this kind of relates to number four,
them seeing that you're an extension of them,
but this can also be a result of a helicopter parent,
a parent who thinks that if they're not involved
in everything and making every decision
and watching over you extremely closely,
that you're doing something wrong
and so if we don't allow them to have access to everything,
or we ask for some privacy, a parent like this can assume
that we're doing something bad.
Number six is when they force us to live out their dreams
or follow in their footsteps.
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Again, this doesn't allow for independence and autonomy
which is incredibly important in our development.
This type of thinking and acting doesn't involve free will
and it means that our value and their love is conditional
and that it's tied directly to us doing what they want
in order to fulfill their dreams.
It's incredibly toxic and harmful.
Number seven, withholding affection and attention
as a form of punishment.
When parents do this, it tells us
that their love is conditional and we will only get
what we need, remember, everybody is wired for connection
and love, and needing attention
and affection is just a basic human need
and so if our parents withhold it,
if we don't do what they want, or maybe we make a mistake,
and do something bad, 'cause we're human.
If they withhold that as a result and that's a punishment,
then we can see all love and attention in our life
as something that's conditional
and this can affect our relationships going forward.
This can mean that we might not tell someone
that we've done something upsetting or communicate a need
because we're so afraid of causing that upset
and then withdrawing that love.
This can lead to us being an intense people pleaser,
walking on eggshells and any number of difficulties
in our future relationships
and this also just shows how inept our parents are
at communication.
If for any parents out there, the way to navigate issues
and upsets is to communicate clearly with our children,
to tell them what took place and why you're upset,
and what maybe the punishment is going to be,
like timeouts or being grounded.
Those things are all fine
but just withholding love and affection, shutting down,
locking them out is never going to lead
to a healthy or happy relationship.
Number eight, they never apologize.
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Parents aren't perfect, right?
We're humans too.
We're gonna do things that are harmful or hurtful
and maybe we didn't even think about it or realize it
but that doesn't mean the upset didn't happen
and when we do things that are hurtful to our children,
we should apologize.
I mean, let's say for instance, we overshare
with another parent and word gets around
to our child that we told people
about this embarrassing thing that happened at home.
Something that they wanted to hold private,
that they didn't want other people to know about,
we should apologize for that.
That's an important part of our relationship
and it also demonstrates to our child
that when things go wrong in relationships
and when someone hurts us,
that we can own up to it, we can apologize
and they, as the person wounded,
should be able to accept that
and have a conversation about it.
By apologizing, we're teaching our children
how to healthfully handle conflict
and also their self worth because when we apologize,
we're saying to them, you're important.
Your feelings are valid and I want to acknowledge that.
If we pretend that they aren't and we don't apologize,
our child could internalize that as I'm not important,
my feelings always come last
and nothing's ever owed to me, right?
I always owe to others
and this could lead to them being a people pleaser.
This could lead to them never speaking up for themselves
and all sorts of things.
Number nine is when we compare our child to another child.
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This can be done with other children in our same grade,
or this could be done to a brother or sister.
Comparing one person to another person
is never going to be healthy.
It not only can damage our own self-esteem and awareness,
right, we can think that something must be wrong with us
'cause I'm not as athletic or intelligent as you know,
Sally over there, or I'm not as tall as Steve
and we can always be looking outwards
to see how we're measuring up versus being grateful
for each and everything that makes us unique
and makes us ourselves
and this is incredibly damaging when we do it to siblings
because what this does is it can create more competition
versus camaraderie and we really don't want that kind
of unhealthy competition in our families and number 10.
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I'm only doing this for your own good.
This is incredibly unhealthy and shuts down any conversation
or communication about what's going on.
It doesn't allow us to understand or ask questions.
It's like a dictatorship, right?
They say what we're gonna do, and we just have to do it,
no questions asked.
It also always assumes that the parent
knows what's right and best
and isn't taken into consideration anyone else's thoughts
or feelings about it.
All of these toxic phrases
and actions say more about the parent
and their lack of emotional awareness and intelligence,
but that doesn't mean that we can't be upset
or harmed by it.
Especially when these phrases or actions
start at a really young age.
We just wanna be loved, cared for and understood
and we can do anything in our power to try to get that
and so when these toxic phrases
and actions are swirling around in our life,
we can find ourselves acting in unhealthy ways,
in order to get those needs met.
Some of the best ways for us to heal
from these toxic phrases or actions.
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Number one, therapy.
Therapy can be really beneficial
because it can help for us to acknowledge
some of those false beliefs we've formed
due to these toxic messages.
All 10 of the things I just mentioned can come along
with some bad and false beliefs about ourselves, right?
I'm too fat or ugly, or I can't be autonomous.
I can't be independent, right.
Therapy can help us identify those false beliefs
and work to challenge them
so that we can slowly, but surely let go
and number two is inner child work
and that can come along in therapy
or it can be something we can do on our own.
Inner child work while it sounds a little woo woo
can be incredibly beneficial.
What we do in that work is acknowledge a younger us.
This can be done through maybe referencing old diaries
we had, or looking at an old photo of ourselves
and considering what was going on at that time in our life
and maybe what we needed and yes,
I know this can take a lot of internal work
but often when we're children,
we just want to be cared for and understood
and so if we can offer those messages to ourselves,
sometimes I have my patients write letters back
and forth from a younger them to them now and vice versa.
There could be a lot of ways we can attach
to our younger self and work to heal some of the damage
that was done by these toxic messages
and my third tip is to notice our self talk
because we've been told some horrible things about ourselves
and our environment, all throughout our upbringing,
we can have a very negative view of ourselves in our world
and just noticing the things that we're saying
'cause let's be honest,
we should talk ourselves all day every day
and if we don't pay attention to that,
we're having that conversation constantly
and we're gonna believe it right?
How many times have I told you guys having a thought
more than once is not a fact.
Your thoughts aren't facts, they lie to you.
Then we have to notice those lies
so that we can move them into a more neutral place.
I know everybody's like think positively,
research shows that's bullshit, I'm sorry,
but you can't just think positively.
You have to build a bridge from negative land
all the way to positivity land.
You can't just jump, it doesn't work that way.
So the goal here would really be,
instead of allowing those messages within our head
to be like I'm not good enough
or I'm not as good as someone else, right?
If we have that kind of a belief,
we're looking for a thought that is like, you know, I'm open
to the belief that maybe I'm judging myself too harshly.
Maybe, I'm open to it.
I don't know if I believe it, but maybe
and it sounds small and it doesn't sound positive,
I know that.
But trust me when I tell you that that small shift
in our thinking can change your entire belief about yourself
and your perception of the world around you.
Also, it's important to know
that just because there're our parents,
doesn't mean they have to be in our lives forever.
Sure, it'd be great.
If we could have a happy, healthy relationship
with our parents and that could grow over time and you know,
we could have like that story book ending kind of thing.
But if that relationship is toxic and abusive,
it's okay to not see them anymore or to limit the amount
of time you spend with them or how often you talk to them.
We get to decide who is in our life and who is not
and we wanna make sure that the relationships we have
and cultivate are healthy and happy ones.
Let's say one or all 10 of these things have been done
to us or are happening to us right now.
What are some things that we can say back?
What are ways we can arm ourselves
with language to better protect ourselves?
I have a few options for you to consider
and number one is I can sense you're upset right now
but taking it out on me isn't okay.
I know this can be hard for some of us to say
but if you just read through that,
you can recognize that it's not combative.
It's compassionate and it's just holding up
a healthy boundary.
It's not okay to take it out on me.
I don't think anyone would disagree with that.
Number two is I know you wish I was more like you
or insert the person that they're comparing us to,
but I am my own person and I would love it
if you could support that.
Right, we're telling them what's not okay
and then we're telling them what we would really love.
That's what we would want from you.
Number three, I know it's hard seeing me grow up so fast,
so we're hug and roll, right,
I've talked about the hug and roll,
we're really kind and compassionate.
We offer understanding upfront and then we roll away, right
and we offer a healthy boundary or a limit
to what's okay and not okay.
So I know it's hard seeing me grow up so fast
in making my own choices, but it's really important
that I get to practice doing things on my own,
even if I make mistakes.
Number four, when you share things about me
without asking me first, it makes it hard for me
to want to trust you with new information.
Please ask me first, simple, right?
Clear, not combative and number five,
I know you're having a hard time, but yelling at me
isn't gonna make you feel any better.
Now we know we're kind of making a few assumptions there
but I feel like it's important
for them to recognize that they're taking it out on you
and they may not be able to recognize that.
But you're again, putting in that healthy boundary
of it's not okay for you to do this
and one thing I always have to remind myself
and others about, we have zero control over other people.
We can only control ourselves.
So acting in certain ways, hoping our parent won't be toxic
or do this hurtful thing again is not healthy for us.
It's better that we take action that is healthy
by speaking up, by upholding boundaries
by limiting the time we talk to them, right?
There are things that we can do and I encourage you,
instead of trying to do things to hopefully shift their mood
and action, we consider what actions we can take personally
to help us feel better.
I hope you found this helpful and validating,
and obviously before we, you know, say anything back,
I want you all to consider your safety.
If you aren't able to get out of that house
and you're already feeling physically, sexually
or emotionally abused by a parent,
it might not be the safest for you to try to speak up.
We might want to instead consider
how we can remove ourselves from that situation
or maybe we spend more time at school
and after school programs or put ourselves in a sport
or something so that we're not at home as often
or for as many hours in the evening, right?
So please consider your safety.
I hope this was helpful in validating.
Feel free to share more in the comments
if you think I missed one
or there's something that your parent has told you
over the years that you found incredibly toxic and harmful.
Let us know so we can learn together and feel better.
Take care of yourselves and I'll see you next time.
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