>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'LL GET RIGHT TO IT, BAD NEWS FIRST.
THE PRESIDENT IS ACTIVELY WORKING TO UNDERMINE OUR
DEMOCRACY, USURP THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, AND HOLD ONTO POWER, IN
VIOLATION OF OUR CONSTITUTION.
GOOD NEWS: HE IS REALLY BAD AT IT.
THE PRESIDENT IS DESPERATE TO SOMEHOW THROW OUT THE VOTES FOR
BIDEN, BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN HIS ADMINISTRATION, IT'S BEEN
A RACE BETWEEN AUTOCRACY AND INCOMPETENCE.
AND WITH THIS CROWD, INCOMPETENCE IS USAIN BOLT, WHO
MAKES IT ACROSS THE FINISH LINE, STEPS IN A BUCKET, AND GETS HIS
HEAD STUCK IN A TOILET.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT THE IN COUP-NANIGANS IN TONIGHT'S
EDITION OF:
♪ DEAD PEOPLE VOTE DEAD PEOPLE VOTE
♪ I SAW THEM VOTE THEY ARE ZOMBIES
♪ THEY VOTE, AND THEN THEY EAT SOME BRAINS
♪ THEY GAVE BIDEN THE STATE OF MAINE
♪ IT MAKES SENSE IF YOU SNORT COCAINE
♪ DEAD PEOPLE VOTE ♪ >> "THE ROAD FROM THE WHITE
HOUSE."
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT A REALLY LOVELY VOICE.
CONSIDERING HOW HARD HE'S WORKING TO KEEP THE JOB, THE
PRESIDENT SURE ISN'T DOING MUCH OF IT.
FOR THE 11th TIME SINCE THE ELECTION, HIS SCHEDULE TODAY
LISTED "NO PUBLIC EVENTS."
MAYBE THAT'S JUST HOW HE OBSERVES QUARANTINE: HE NEVER
LEAVES THE HOUSE, UNLESS HE KNOWS HE'S SPREADING THE VIRUS.
APPARENTLY, EL PRESIDENTE HAS EVEN CANCELED HIS PLANS TO
TRAVEL TO MAR-A-LAGO FOR THANKSGIVING, DECIDING TO STAY
IN WASHINGTON INSTEAD.
SMART MOVE.
THE MINUTE HE STEPS OUT OF THERE, YOU KNOW THEY'RE CHANGING
ALL THE LOCKS.
BUT AS MUCH AS HE WANTS TO DENY REALITY, THE POTUS WHO LOST THE
VOTE-US CAN'T ESCAPE IT.
FOR INSTANCE, WHEN HE LOOKS OUT HIS NORTH-FACING WINDOWS, HE CAN
SEE THE REVIEWING STAND FOR BIDEN'S INAUGURAL PARADE BEING
RE-ERECTED ON HIS FRONT LAWN.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING YOUR WIFE GO OUT ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
ON YOUR FRONT LAWN, GETTING RE-ERECTED.
AND THIS TIME, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SHOW UP TO WATCH.
BUT THE PRESIDENT IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
ONE BY ONE, THE STATES ARE STARTING TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS,
AND THAT WILL BE THE END OF HIS ONE TERM.
AND BEFORE THAT CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY TO BE WISHED, THE
REPUBLICANS ARE THROWING SOME PRETTY DISGRACEFUL HAIL MARYS.
TAKE YESTERDAY IN MICHIGAN.
THE CANVASSING BOARD OF THE STATE'S LARGEST COUNTY, WAYNE
COUNTY, WHICH INCLUDES DETROIT, IS HALF REPUBLICAN, HALF
DEMOCRAT, TO MAKE IT NON-PARTISAN.
BUT LAST NIGHT, THE TWO REPUBLICANS REFUSED TO CERTIFY
THE RESULTS, AND THE BOARD ENDED UP DEADLOCKED 2-2.
OH, WHAT A TO-DO TO TRY TODAY TO DEADLOCK 2-2, A THING DISTINCTLY
HARD TO SAY BUT HARDER STILL TO DO.
( CLEARS THROAT ) SOREY, I'M ALL WARMED UP.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
THE TWO REPUBLICANS CLAIMED TO BE CONCERNED THAT IN DETROIT,
THERE WERE MINOR DISCREPANCIES, IN WHICH THE NUMBER OF VOTES
CAST DID NOT MATCH THE NUMBER OF VOTERS LISTED AS HAVING SHOWN UP
TO VOTE.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE.
SO IT'S OUTRAGEOUS THAT THE REPUBLICAN CHAIR SAID SHE WOULD
BE OPEN TO CERTIFYING THE VOTE IN "COMMUNITIES OTHER THAN
DETROIT."
OH, HELL, NO!
YOU CAN'T DISENFRANCHISE MOTOWN!
EACH ONE OF THOSE VOTES WAS "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED."
YOU CAN'T TURN OUR DEMOCRATIC PROCESS INTO A "BALL OF
CONFUSION" JUST TO APPEASE THE "TEARS OF A CLOWN."
I COULD GO ON.
UPHE'S TELLING ME NOT TO.
WHATEVER THE REASON-- RACISM WAS THE REASON-- THE PRESIDENT'S
TEAM WAS THRILLED, ESPECIALLY CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISER AND WOMAN
TELLING YOU YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE THIS TIME-SHARE SEMINAR ALIVE,
JENNA ELLIS.
SHE TWEETED, "BREAKING: THIS EVENING, THE COUNTY BOARD OF
CANVASSERS IN WAYNE COUNTY, MICHIGAN, REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE
ELECTION RESULTS.
IF THE STATE BOARD FOLLOWS SUIT, THE REPUBLICAN STATE LEGISLATOR
WILL SELECT THE ELECTORS."
DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST COUP D'ETAT, BUT YOU'RE KIND OF
GIVING AWAY THE GAME THERE, JENNA.
AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE WRITING FASCIST FAN FICTION, WHY NOT
JUST GO FOR IT: "THEN THE TANKS WILL ROLL THROUGH THE STREETS,
AND WE WILL ARREST EVERYONE WITH AN "I VOTED" STICKER AND CHANGE
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM TO 'Y.M.C.A.,' BUT THIS TIME, THE
VILLAGE PEOPLE IS ALL COPS."
THE PRESIDENT WAS ALSO THRILLED WITH THE FALL OF DEMOCRACY,
TWEETING, "WOW!
MICHIGAN JUST REFUSED TO CERTIFY THE ELECTION RESULTS!
HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
THE U.S.A. STANDS PROUD!" JUST ONE PROBLEM WITH THE
PRESIDENT'S PREMATURE CELEBRATION: THE PRESIDENT
TWEETED THOSE WORDS AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE TWO REPUBLICANS ON
THE BOARD DECIDED THEY DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE POOPING ON THEIR
FRONT LAWN FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES AND AGREED TO CERTIFY THE
RESULTS.
THE PRESIDENT'S TWEET IS LIKE THAT MOMENT HALFWAY THROUGH
"STAR WARS" WHEN DARTH VADER SAYS THIS:
>> YAVIN 4 HAD IT COMING.
BIG WIN FOR THE EMPIRE.
HAVING COURAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
THE DEATH STAR STANDS PROUD.
( EXPLOSION ) OOPS!
>> Stephen: KIND OF CUTE WHEN HE DOES IT.
SO WHY DID THE REPUBLICANS BACK DOWN?
WELL, TURNS OUT, VOTERS AREN'T THAT KEEN ON HAVING THEIR VOTES
THROWN OUT.
AND AFTER NEWS OF THE DEADLOCK GOT OUT, THE BOARD HELD A
MEETING FOR PUBLIC COMMENTS, AND REQUESTS TO JOIN THE ZOOM CALL
QUICKLY WENT BEYOND CAPACITY.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG WHEN PEOPLE VOLUNTARILY
JOIN A ZOOM CALL.
NOW, THE TWO REPUBLICANS IN QUESTION ARE WAYNE COUNTY
CANVASSING BOARD MEMBER AND HOTTEST GUY ON farmersonly.com,
WILL HARTMANN; AND FELLOW BOARD MEMBER AND WOMAN SINGING ALL THE
WORDS TO "GOLDDIGGER" AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY'S KARAOKE NIGHT,
MONICA PALMER.
TURNS OUT, THE PUBLIC WAS NOT SHY ABOUT LETTING THEM HAVE IT
PERSONALLY, ESPECIALLY THIS GUY: >> I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT THE TRUMP STINK, THE STAIN OF RACISM THAT YOU, WILLIAM
HARTMAN AND MONICA PALMER, HAVE JUST COVERED YOURSELF IN IS
GOING TO FOLLOW YOU THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
MONICA PALMER AND WILLIAM HARTMAN WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN IN
SOUTHEASTERN MICHIGAN AS TWO RACISTS.
THE LAW ISN'T ON YOUR SIDE, HISTORY WON'T BE ON YOUR SIDE.
YOUR CONSCIENCE WILL NOT BE ON YOUR SIDE.
AND, LORD KNOWS, WHEN YOU GO TO MEET YOUR MAKER, YOUR SOUL IS
GOING TO BE VERY, VERY WARM.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: "WELL, THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME I'LL BE SPENDING
ETERNITY BURNING ON A LAKE OF FIRE.
I'LL PACK SOMETHING LIGHT.
OH, YOU ALSO SAY I CAN GO PLEASURE MYSELF?
AGAIN, THANK YOU.
IT WOULD BE CONSENSUAL."
AFTER THREE HOURS OF BEING PELTED WITH ROCKS AND GARBAGE,
THE MEETING WENT ON MUTE FOR FIVE MINUTES, AND WHEN IT CAME
BACK ON, HARTMAN INFORMED THE CROWD THAT THEY HAD JUST VOTED
UNANIMOUSLY TO CERTIFY THE RESULTS.
SO THAT'S IT?
THAT'S ALL IT TOOK?
IT'S THAT EASY TO STOP YOUR DEVIOUS PLAN?
FOR PETE'S SAKE, IF ALL FASCISTS WERE THAT WEAK, WE COULD HAVE
AVOIDED WORLD WAR II WITH ONE PROPAGANDA POSTER!
"HEY, HITLER, IS THAT A MUSTACHE, OR HAVE YOU BEEN
KISSING MUSSOLINI'S ASS?" THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY--
YOU'RE SHAKE YOUR HEAD ON THAT ONE.
DID I GO TOO FAR?
DO YOU THINK I HURT HITLER'S FEELINGS WITH THAT ONE?
THINGS ARE ALSO GOING POORLY FOR THE PRESIDENT IN PENNSYLVANIA.
THE STATE SUPREME COURT DID NOT BELIEVE THEIR LIE THAT THEY
WERE NOT ALLOWED POLL WATCHERS, WHICH WAS QUITE A BLOW FOR THE
PRESIDENT'S LAWYER RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE PUTTING AIR
QUOTES AROUND THE WORD "LAWYER."
YESTERDAY, RUDY WAS MAKING THE SAME MAKE-UP OBSERVER ARGUMENT
IN FEDERAL COURT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PENNSYLVANIA, WHEN HE
GOT TAKEN DOWN BY HIS OLD NEMESIS: WORDS.
BECAUSE AS HE WAS READING HIS OWN TEAM'S COMPLAINT TO THE
JUDGE, HE SAID, "I'M NOT QUITE SURE I KNOW WHAT 'OPACITY'
MEANS.
IT PROBABLY MEANS YOU CAN SEE, RIGHT?"
TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "IT MEANS YOU CAN'T."
TO WHICH RUDY SAID, "BIG WORDS, YOUR HONOR."
TO WHICH THE JUDGE SAID, "YOU ARE AN IMBECILE," TO WHICH RUDY
SAID, "WRONG, YOUR HONOR!
I'M AN ITALIAN."
IN ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF CLOSING THE BARN DOOR AFTER THE COWS
VOTED FOR SOMEBODY ELSE, THE PRESIDENT IS STILL FIRING ANYONE
WHO DARES CHALLENGE HIS DEXY-INDUCED FEVER DREAMS.
CASE IN POINT: THE U.S. TOP ELECTION CYBERSECURITY OFFICIAL
AND TREASURER OF THE "DEAD POET SOCIETY," CHRISTOPHER KREBS.
LAST WEEK, KREBS' AGENCY ISSUED A STATEMENT DECLARING, "THE
NOVEMBER 3 ELECTION WAS THE MOST SECURE IN AMERICAN HISTORY," AND
HE REGULARLY "FACT CHECKS THE CLAIMS AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES
BEING PUSHED BY THE PRESIDENT, HIS ALLIES, AND SUPPORTERS
AROUND THE COUNTRY."
AND IT SURELY GOT UNDER THE PRESIDENT'S HONEY-GLAZED SKIN
THAT KREBS' TWITTER PAGE SAYS "KEEP CALM AND COUNT ON" AND HIS
PROFILE PIC IS...
UH, I'M GONNA GUESS, STORE-BRAND CAPTAIN AMERICA?
KIRKLAND STEVE ROGERS?
THE SUPERHERO ON THE CHILDREN'S FLIP-FLOPS YOU BOUGHT AT THE
DOLLAR STORE?
ANYWAY, TRUE TO FORM, LAST NIGHT, THE CON ARTIST SOON-TO-BE
FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRESIDENT TWEETED:
"THE RECENT STATEMENT BY CHRIS KREBS ON THE SECURITY OF THE
2020 ELECTION WAS HIGHLY INACCURATE, IN THAT THERE WERE
MASSIVE IMPROPRIETIES AND FRAUD, INCLUDING DEAD PEOPLE VOTING,
POLL WATCHERS NOT ALLOWED INTO POLLING LOCATIONS, 'GLITCHES' IN
THE VOTING MACHINES.
THEREFORE, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, CHRIS KREBS HAS
BEEN TERMINATED."
HOW CAN HE BE THIS BAD AT CRIME-ING?
"YEAH, COPPER, I KNOW, YOU GOT ME, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT.
NOW GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY AND NOBODY GETS HURT!"
EVIDENTLY, THE PRESIDENT'S TWEETS CAUSED A DISTURBANCE IN
THE FORCE, BECAUSE LUKE SKYWALKER HIMSELF, MARK HAMILL,
RESPONDED, >> "TRANSLATION: THE RECENT
STATEMENT BY CHRIS KREBS WAS HIGHLY ACCURATE, IN THAT THERE
WERE NO IMPROPRIETIES OR FRAUD, CONFIRMED BY ALL CREDIBLE 2020
ELECTION OFFICIALS SWORN UNDER OATH TO BE TRUTHFUL.
THEREFORE, HE HAS BEEN TERMINATED FOR REFUSING TO LIE
FOR ME, YOUR #LIARINCHIEF."
WOW, LUKE SKYWALKER IS A JEDI MASTER AND A POLITICAL PUNDIT.
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE THE GUY A HAND.
SERIOUSLY, HIS FATHER CUT ONE OF THEM OFF.
WHEN KREBS SAW HAMILL HAD WEIGHED IN, HE RESPONDED,
"IN DEFENDING DEMOCRACY, DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY.
THIS IS THE WAY.
#PROTECT2020" DAMN, KREBS BRINGING THE NERD
CRED!
TALK LIKE YODA, KREBS DID!
VERBS TO THE END OF SENTENCES, KREBS MOVED!
AND HERE I THOUGHT HE WAS A HALF-WITTED SCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF
HERDER.
AND KREBS REMAINED DEFIANT AFTER HIS FIRING, TWEETING, "HONORED
TO SERVE.
WE DID IT RIGHT.
DEFEND TODAY, SECURE TOMORROW."
STRONG.
BOLD.
BUT I WILL POINT OUT THAT HE SPELLED "TOMORROW,"
"TOMROROW."
BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE?
THAT'S NOT HOW WE SPELL IT TODAY, BUT IT COULD BE HOW WE
SPELL IT "TOMROROW."
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THIS MAN IS AN AMERICAN HEROROW.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, KAMALA HARRIS GOES BACK TO WASHINGTON.
NERD CRED.