One year ago tonight,
we started doing this show.
(cheering and applause)
One year ago. Wow!
Man! Can you believe it?
Whew! That's right, man.
It's our one-year anniversary.
You know what, I have to say,
we got a-a very, very thoughtful gift.
Um, Donald Trump was kind enough to talk about religion.
Mm-hmm. Very nice.
Which brings us to tonight's Unblackening.
(dramatic music playing)
(humming)
Now, one of the key, uh, constituents
that Donald Trump has to win over are the evangelicals.
Now, they make up 57% of the caucus-goers in Iowa.
And according to Trump, he's in good standing.
I have a very great relationship with God.
And I have a very great relationship with evangelicals.
If Trump and God have a great relationship,
it's probably because they never see each other.
That can work, right?
All right. So he is winning over some of the evangelical vote,
but, uh, I think he's (bleep) about God.
I'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite
-Bible, uh, verses are and why. -Well, I-I wouldn't want
to get into it, because, to me, that's very personal.
Are you an Old Testament guy or a New Testament guy?
Uh, probably... equal.
Probably equal?
Am I the only one seeing how transparent this is?
You've never read the Bible, Donald Trump!
I mean, come on. If Trump ever even touched a Bible,
it probably sizzled.
But Donald Trump's got to convince the an...
the evangelicals that he's as full of Jesus as they are,
so yesterday he took his dual-testament-loving self
to Liberty University.
Now, the first thing he did, of course, was brag
about the crowd size.
We broke the record. You know, we had the record
for about three or four years the last time.
And the first thing I said to Jerry and Becki when I got here,
"Did we break the record?"
They said, "Yes, you did, by quite a bit."
So we'll dedicate that to Martin Luther King, a great man.
Dr. King?
How did he get in this?
What do you mean, dedicate?
Dr. King's not your 16-year-old girlfriend.
What does that mean? (groans)
But let me just break down that entire statement for you guys.
Okay, Liberty students are required by the university
to attend these rallies.
So if Trump broke a record for attendance,
it's only because Liberty enrollment is up,
not because every student actually wanted to be there.
So he's basically talking out of his ass, which, by the way,
he wants to dedicate to Dr. King.
-Mm. But Tru... -(awwing)
(laughing): Okay.
"Aw, Larry."
But Trump vowed to fight for this religion
he so clearly never thinks about.
We're going to protect Christianity.
And I can say that. I don't have to be politically correct or...
Or correct-correct.
All right, Donald. You're being a little too general.
You need to be more specific, Donald.
You know, quote something. I... You know, I got an idea.
Quote something every Christian would know--
or even non-Christians-- you know,
something like Second Corinthians, right?
I mean, who hasn't heard of Second Corinthians?
I hear this is a major theme right here,
but Two Corinthians, right? Two Corinthians 3:17.
That's the whole ball game.
"Where the spirit of the Lord..." Right?
"Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty."
And here there is Liberty College, but...
Liberty University, but it is so true.
You know, when you think... And that's really...
Is that the one? Is that the one you like?
(groaning)
There is so much wrong with that.
You know what I love about this?
He doesn't even know
how wrong "Two Corinthians" sounds, right?
He's oblivious to it. And when people laugh,
he acts like he was the originator
of that mysterious joke.
Now, for you non-religious people,
let me see if I can give you an analogy.
Let's say you're a big
and someone comes to speak to your
Um, in this scenario, you have no life, okay?
They say they're a huge
that they have a great relationship with
okay? Mmm.
And then they say, "Okay, I want to talk about the Farce, right?
"We're all strong with the Farce, right?
"That's what you guys like, the Farce. You know what I'm saying?
"I know. You're laughing. 'Cause we love the Farce.
"Who doesn't love the Farce? Yeah, you're still laughing
"'cause the Farce is awesome. The Farce is strong
"with Luther Vandross Skywalker, right?
Am I right? The Farce."
(groaning)
Okay.
It's clear that Trump doesn't know the Bible,
but there is a book that, uh, he knows very well.
I wrote
Who has read
Everybody.
I think three people clapped.
Trump says, "Everybody."
I'm sorry. But I interrupted. You were in the middle
of some (bleep). Please continue.
Who has read
Everybody. I always say...
I always say a deep, deep second to the Bible.
The Bible is the best. The Bible.
The Bible blows it away. There's nothing like the Bi...
Please stop it. Just stop him from talking, please.
I can't take it anymore. Come on, God, what,
are you out of lightning bolts?
Don't you smite anymore?
He just elevated his crappy book,
to just below the Bible.
Can't you see what he's trying to do, Liberty U?
He's trying to close the deal on you guys.
He's trying to convince you that he's just like you.
Evangelicals, you have to listen to me.
Look, you can be forgiven for falling in love with Ted Cruz
and Black Droopy the Dog.
Hmm? But you'll never be forgiven
for falling in love with this troll.
You know what?
It's probably hard for you to hear me when I talk like this.
You know, let me say it more evangelically, all right?
(organ music playing)
(laughter, applause and cheering)
I'm talking to you, evangelicals.
You know you make up 57% of the caucus-goers,
-so you are our last hope. -(audience shouting out)
For the bulwark against the creep of evil ivy
-that is Donald Trump. -(audience chatter)
And he is growing wild! Can I get an amen?
AUDIENCE: Amen!
He is a snake in the grass,
and you must cast him out like the devil!
-(audience shouting out) -"2 Corinthians"?
What man of God can't name a bible verse?
(audience shouting out)
How about... how about... how about, "Jesus wept?"
(whoops and shouting)
'Cause Jesus himself is weeping
at how big an asshole Donald Trump is.
Did I say asshole? Yes, I did.
But God will forgive me 'cause I'm talking about Donald Trump.
I'm gonna need another "amen" over here very quickly!
-AUDIENCE: Amen! -All right.
And who in the name of the Almighty
doesn't know the New Testament from the Old?
WOMAN: You tell 'em, Preacher.
The Old Testament is the one with all the damn smiting.
Some of us knows there is a difference!
-(audience shouting) -WOMAN: There's a difference!
What I challenge you to do, evangelicals,
is to smite down Donald Trump's campaign!
MAN: Hallelujah!
Smite it down!
Give me an amen for the smiting down!
AUDIENCE: Amen!
Smite down the Trump campaign
and loose ourselves of the grip that this-this...
MAN: Take your time now.
WOMAN: Take your time! Take your time!
-(applause) -I can't do this.
-WOMAN: Take your time. -I will.
(overlapping shouting)
Hold on.
WOMAN: Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
-That this... that this false prophet. -(whooping)
This idolater has on the caucus.
He is a
-and the only cure is truth! -WOMAN: Truth!
-Am I right about the truth? -(overlapping shouting)
Then how did I not get an amen for the truth?
AUDIENCE: Amen!
-Y'all don't hear me this morning! -(overlapping shouting)
Now let's exorcise this demonic abomination
from our national conversation!
Remove this devil-uh from the... from the...
-from the voting booth-uh! -(audience voicing assent)
Cast him-uh forth! Cast him...
Let me hear you say "Cast him-uh."
AUDIENCE: Cast him-uh!
-Let me hear you say "Forth-uh!" -AUDIENCE: Forth-uh!
-Let me hear you just say "Uh!" -AUDIENCE: Uh!
-(laughter, overlapping shouts) -Yeah.
Yield... yield not to the temptation of Trump,
but be sure to send along your donations
-to
No donation is too big or too small in the eyes of the Lord.
Much like Jesus, we'll be right back.
-(cheers and applause) -Can I get an amen? Uh...