When we're in charge of our kids, crazy things happen.
This is Mister Beardo from Chillicothe, Ohio. Let's talk about that.
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- Gooooooooooood Mythical Morning! - This episode is brought to you by
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I have such a squeaky-clean tongue, I eat off of it.
- Hah. That's so clever, Rhett. - Pick 'em up at Orabrush.com or...
- CVS or Walmart. - Walmart. CVS, Walmart. You know,
anywhere! The nearest big store. Actually, just CVS and Walmart.
(laughs) Thanks for joining us today. You're a human being.
- I hope they are. - You are special.
- Some animals watch this. - You can accomplish things today that,
up until this point, you had not accomplished.
- This is motivational! - It's up to you. And we're just here to
give you a bright spot to send you in the right direction.
You're like Tony Robbins. (deeply) But Tony Robbins-- he talks like this.
It's like the man... has a very... powerful... voice.
We just wanna help. We wanna be a part of your routine that helps. Help us
- help you, people. Watch. - (normally) This is like therapeutic now?
- Yeah, I think so. - This is-- yeah.
It's therapeutic for our relationship, I think.
Next time you go to the psychiatrist-- or just your counselor-- and you tell 'em
you got some issues, he's going to prescribe watching Good Mythical Morning
every day. That's the new thing. If you're a psychiatrist or a counselor out there,
we just encourage you. Feel free to diagnose people, or prescribe people
this show. I mean, I don't know how that would fly with the medical community.
- Should I not be saying this at all? - No, this is good. Diagnose them with a
- G-double-M deficiency. - Yeah, there you go. This weekend was...
- interesting. - Awesome.
- Yeah it was. - Our wives-- they're both beautiful, as
- we have established previously-- - (laughs)
But we love them for all types of reasons, how they are as internal people too.
- They went away together. - Internal people?
Well, they went to a conference with some other women.
- We were not invited. - It was a women's conference.
We were invited to keep our kids in their absence.
And so they left on Friday and then they came back Saturday night. So we had our
children-- I had my children, two of 'em; you had your children-- three of 'em.
Three. I know. I know I'm blowing your mind, people. Yes, I have at least three
children. (laughs) No, I have only three children.
And we kept them for 24 hours and now we're reporting back.
Mom's away! It's kinda like "bombs away," almost in a literal sense, that Mom leaves
and then bombs! Away! Mom's away! The kids are falling everywhere, just going nuts...
But your kids are-- everyone's alive. I mean, we're here today.
- Yes. - Everyone's still alive.
Spoiler alert, my kids are still alive. But that is pretty much my mentality.
I mean, when Christy leaves town, if it's one night-- I think the most that I've
kept my kids without the assistance of my wife was maybe three nights in a row.
I think you're your wife's assistant. I don't think that she's your assistant.
- Yeah, that's true. - Let's just be clear about that.
- Without me being her meager assistant. - Yes.
Thanks for the clarification. 100% agree with that. I definitely think that my
mentality is one of survival. If I can survive and keep all three of these
- children alive... - Mission accomplished.
Mission accomplished. Anything else is gravy, you know? If they grow as people,
if they have experiences that, when they're older, they'll talk about and how
much they love me, and how they became more of a human being? All of that's gravy.
I think that's all our wives expect, honestly. You know?
- Because they know us. - Is the house intact?
- (laughs) - Are the kids alive? Success.
Well, speaking of keeping the house intact, one of my strategies... because I
like to keep things neat, and when Christy comes back I like for things to be clean
so she doesn't have more work when she gets back.
- Come to a clean home. - Yeah. She needs to come back to that.
You know? That's my little treat to her. The only way I can do that is to get the
kids out. Now, you've got a backyard, but I don't really have a back yard.
There's not much grass back there. So I had to take 'em to a park.
- Mmhm. - My strategy was: get 'em to a park.
Got 'em there, they had a pond with geese and ducks. And for 25 cent you could get
- a satchel of seed-- - This is a good plan.
to feed-- and the kids were just loving it.
Oh yeah.
- I was like, "Yes!" - Kids love birdseed.
- I'm in gravy zone, here. - Yeah, mmhm.
You know? These kids are gonna remember feeding--
- Lifelong memory. - Feeding ducks and geese and whatnot.
- Yeah! - I said, "Oh, here's a bag, and you know,
it's only a quarter. Here's another one!" My kids were amazed I bought two of
- something for 'em. - Wow, yeah, the cheapest man in the world
- is buying birdseed left and right. - Yeah, my kids eyes were-- whoa!
Passing it out to the kids. Daddy's crazy!
He spent fifty cents! But Lando's been coming down with something. He's almost
two years old, and he's coming down with a sickness, and he started to get the
- snotty, runny nose thing? - Yep.
- But that could not keep me in the house. - Oh yeah. Take 'em to the park.
- Expose him to birds. - (laughs) So he's got the snot running
everywhere, and when you're a kid that age, you don't really know many of the
techniques to blow your nose, or to snort and spit or any of that type of stuff.
Yeah, yeah. Hocking a loogie is not in the vocabulary yet.
- No. - Or in the repertoire.
He probably has twelve words in his vocabulary.
- (laughs) - That's not one of 'em. So it'll run and
he'll rub. It'll run, and he'll rub. It'll run, and he'll rub. So... and I mean,
I can't sit there and wipe his nose all day. It's gonna chafe, it's gonna be bad
for him, it's gonna be bad for everybody. So I just admit defeat. He's gonna have--
He's gotta be a snot-nosed kid out here in public.
Of course! Who cares? The birds don't care.
So we're feeding birdseed, and there's a fence so that the kids can't go into the
- pond. That's probably my saving grace. - Right.
But they're throwing birdseed through the fence to the ducks and the geese,
and then... I kinda sit back on a bench. I'm taking a rest, because this is
- exhausting. - Oh yeah.
Being a mom and a dad... it's stinkin' exhausting.
- Yeah. - And they're up there feeding the
wildlife and I'm back, and I see another two-year-old come up.
- Uh oh. - His mom gives him a bag of seed,
and... (laughs) he grabs a big handful and the first thing he does is-- instead
of looking at the birds-- he turns, looks at Lando, point blank range, fwoosh!
- He thought he was a bird. - I guess! Or he was trying to assert
dominance. And I run up there. Lando's not crying; he's just kinda looking
stunned, and he turns to me... birdseed beard.
- (laughs) It stuck to the snot. - Everywhere. It was just like, wow!
That's amazing! I didn't get a picture, because the--
Did you hold 'im up to the geese at that point and let them peck at his face?
I was laughing, the other mom was laughing, Lando was just like...
- Stunned. - stunned. And the other kid... I was
definitely thinking, "You should give him a spanking," but I didn't tell his mom that.
I was laughing, it was hysterical. My other kids were laughing... and then I
started to realize... his life might be in danger. I look at these geese and all the
geese and ducks were lined up. If it wasn't for that fence, he would've been attacked.
He's like one of those pine cones that you put peanut butter on and then you stick
- the birdseed to it. - (laughs) Yeah. Right, right.
- Your son's face is essentially that. - Like a caramel apple that you roll
- in crushed nuts? - If there were squirrels around,
- it would've been a problem. - Yeah, that's true. So I raked it off,
- and he survived! - Well, congratulations. I had a similar
experience. My philosophy is: get through the day, and I do have a backyard and it's
fenced in and I feel that they're kinda safe back here, you know?
- They can't climb out. - They're contained.
I got a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old, and I kinda just say, "Boys, just go outside.
- Amuse yourselves." And my 3-year-old-- - While you do what?
- Watch TV. - (laughs) Tee-vee.
- (both laugh) - My 3-year-old is in a pullup. Now, he is
potty trained, but he sleeps in a pullup just 'cause we don't wanna deal with him
peeing in his pants during the night and it happens, like, once in a blue moon.
- Mmhm. - I don't know how often that is, but,
- you know, fairly often. - Whenever there's a blue moon present,
- he pees on it. - So what my wife does is, once my son
gets up-- my children-- she dresses them, she, you know--
- She parents them. - She takes the pulloff... but I'm just
like, "He's fine!" you know? So I just kinda send 'em in the backyard and
- an hour or so goes by. - (laughs)
Now, we got a pretty muddy backyard, because there's one spot that kinda just
never dries out. And so, I go outside and I see my 3-year-old. He has stripped down
to just his pullups. So this is like a 3-year-old in a diaper, essentially, is
what it looks like. He is covered with mud and dirt that has dried and kinda
caked in different places. He has on a Superman cape and he is holding a sword.
- (laughs) - And he is standing on a chair, holding
it up. And I come outside. Now, it's not a real sword. We don't have, like, a
samurai sword. This is like a plastic sword, you know? I do have some sense.
And so he's standing on the chair, and I come out and he says,
"I am... Superman Pirate Power Ranger Captain America!"
- What do you say to that? - Good, son! I'm proud of you!
- Yes you are! All day long! - And then I thought, "Well, okay, I'm
definitely gonna have to clean these kids up before Jessie gets home, you know?
- I can't let her see 'em like this." - Two words: garden hose.
Well, he took a bath later on. But they came inside and Shepherd was--
he's the young one. Shepherd said, "Daddy, I'm hungry." And I kinda looked around and
I was like, hm. And I saw this big bucket of pistachios.
You're in your own house, yet you're foraging.
- (laughs) - Oh, son hungry. Me forage in home!
I put him in the living room and I set the pistachios down, and then I came
out here and started writing a song, 'cause I was like, "I need to write a song.
I gotta take advantage of this time I've got." And so I spend about 30 minutes,
- and I go back inside, and... - (laughs) So you're inside,
you put them outside. You're outside, you put them inside.
- Yeah. - I hope Jessie's not watching this.
And so I go back inside and it's like they're treating it like a Lone Star
Steakhouse, where you can eat the peanuts and you just throw the shell on the ground?
- Shell on the floor, yeah. - There is pistachio shell all over the
living room. I'm like, "Guys! I thought I trained you well enough to put 'em in
the trash can!" So at that point I was like... I started
- questioning my parenting skills. - Well, that's what Power Ranger Superman
- Tonto... whatever he-- - I thought... yeah! I thought Superman
Power Ranger Captain America Pirate could take care of himself!
- Lone Ranger. - You know? He's got incredible vocabulary.
So anyway, I clean him up, I clean the house up, I put him in the shower...
- Success! - We had a great time.
- High five! Dad high five. - Kids gotta take care of themselves every
once in a while. Moms just baby 'em, you know?
- Moms are... no, seriously though. - No, okay.
- Moms are stinkin' awesome. - It's weekends like this that make us
appreciate our wives and the fact that they spend a lot more time with these kids
than we do, and you know what? They're a lot better at it than we are.
They're not just alive, they're becoming greater human beings.
When I go into the house later on today and it's time to eat dinner...
I bet there won't be pistachio shells everywhere.
My kids will be dressed, they will be relatively clean, there will be a plate...
There will be an actual meal. There will be a fork and a drink. You know what I'm
saying? There'll be like a system that's being applied in there, and that system,
I respect it. I haven't been able to achieve it, but I respect it. Thank you,
Jessie. Thank you, Christy, for being the moms that you are.
- Yes, thank you. - Probably never gonna leave
- the kids with us again. - But a birdseed beard is pretty cool.
It is pretty awesome.
(Link) All right, how are we gonna end this show?
- (Rhett) Rhett ventriloquises... - Link. That's me.
- Oh. - So... for once!
- Only once I have to be the dummy here. - Where do you want me to put my hand?
Just pretend that your hand is touching me. (laughs)
- (laughs) Okay. - But don't put it up in anything.
- Hey Link, how you doin'? No I'm-- - (both laugh)
- You're-- okay. - Hey Link, how you doin'? I want you to
end the show. (silly voice) What're you talkin' about? I don't wanna end the show!
I'm just a dummy. (normally) No, come on now. Give yourself some credit. I mean,
you do have an odd looking face, but I mean, everyone can tell that, uh...
I'm kinda losing my train of thought here. Why don't you just close the show out
for us? (silly voice) Okay, well, I'm really happy that you joined us today, and
see this guy over here that's holding me up? His hand is not in any place that's
inappropriate at all. His hand is actually right here because I'm not really a dummy.
I'm just a person and we're playing this little thing.
(laughs) See you tomorrow.
[Captioned by Caitrin: GMM Captioning Team]