Hey this is Clayton.
And in this video I'm going to talk about one way to create deep intimacy and long-lasting
trust, loyalty and devotion with your partner.
The concept is this: your vulnerability creates the opportunity for your partner to be their
best self in the relationship.
Here's what I mean, has any of your friends ever told you a secret about them and you
promise not to share it?
Probably.
And how did it feel when that person revealed something that was really close to their heart
and trusted you with that not to tell anybody?
Did you feel honored?
Did you feel respected?
Did you feel like there was a closer bond that you had suddenly with that person?
Probably.
I know I have in the past, when people have shared things with me.
And see in that place where the person has trusted you with something that's close to
their heart you have the opportunity to either be someone that breaks your commitment or
someone that stands and integrity in alignment with the commitment.
And if they didn't give you that secret, if they didn't trust you with that secret, you
actually wouldn't have the opportunity to choose integrity.
So by them revealing something close to their heart, they are giving you a gift for the
two of you to become closer; for the two of you to have a deeper bond and deeper intimacy
and a stronger connection.
Now there's another way that we can be vulnerable and share things that are close to our hearts
in relationships.
And one of the most common is this, let's pretend that your boyfriend or girlfriend
miss an important date like an anniversary.
Okay now once that anniversary is missed, you might be really angry and pissed off at
your boyfriend for not giving you a gift or a card or something like that and see if you
share the anger with him.
It might feel like you're being vulnerable, “I'm expressing my emotions.
I'm letting them know that I'm angry.”
And yes that is one form of vulnerability probably better than trying to play it cool
like you're not pissed off and pull back and stuff it and hope that it goes away when really
it's just festering underneath then explodes later on the relationship.
But there's a deeper way to share something even close to your heart.
And David Deida who is this author on intimacy and Tantra says this in such a wonderful fashion.
He says that, “When we experience something from our partners that we don't like there's
a primary emotion and there's a secondary emotion.
And in the case of your partner missing an anniversary you might think it pisses you
off but underneath that if we just peel it back what's really there, what's the primary
emotion, it might be hurt, it might be this feeling of that you're not lovable or that
you're not significant to your partner.”
And see that is so tender that we think to share that with our partner.
We might give them all the power.
We might come off like we're needy.
We might come off like we're weak and God forbid we come off like four weeks to our
partner so we crusted over with anger and then we share that.
The problem is it's not actually being vulnerable if it comes off like an attack to your partner.
So the way to be vulnerable is to actually share the primary emotion which is the hurt
and the feeling insignificant because when you do that you are bearing a piece of your
heart to your partner for them to see.
And what it does is it gives them a very clear reflection of the impact that they and their
actions are having on you and then they get the opportunity to see themselves more clearly.
And they can come into alignment and they can apologize and they can make something
that was wrong, right?
But if you attack them they might shut down and they might not be able to see clearly
what they did or they might feel like they're trying to push the weight of the attack off
of them.
And they are there feeling like they're forced to apologize rather than be given the opportunity
to apologize.
So how would you communicate this primary emotion of hurt that's in you, that's really
tender and close to your heart to your partner in a way that would allow them to have the
opportunity to be their best self and coming to integrity around the situation?
It would look like taking ownership of the feeling and communicating it with what therapists
and other people call “I” statements.
A nice statement would be something like, “When you miss the anniversary I felt really
hurt.
I felt insignificant.
I felt like I didn't matter and I know that probably wasn't your intention.
I know that wasn't your intention and this is how I feel.”
See I'm not attacking them.
I'm not saying you made me feel like this: “You did this on purpose or how dare you.”
Right? which is put them on the defensive.
“I'm owning my feelings.”
“I'm owning that there was impact over here from this situation that unfolded the way
that it did.”
Then it gives your partner a chance to open up and right what was wrong and apologize
to you.
And listen, your partner might still get defensive.
They actually might still see you expressing your emotions as an attack and it's just an
opportunity for the two of you to get closer and talk about that even further and really
talk about what's in his heart, what's in your heart and get to the heart of the matter
and the heart of the challenge or the heart of the situation so you can move through it.
Rather than repress it and have it brushed under the rug only to come up later so that
is one way that is a powerful way to bring more trust, more honesty, more of your heart,
more of the pull you into the relationship and create deep intimacy.
You know intimacy is not something that is just positive and warm fuzzy feelings.
All the time intimacy is two people coming together and really seeing each other and
building consciously.
Building resilience in the bandwidth to weather the storm fights and other disagreements in
the future and when you practice doing this with your partner you will automatically build
a stronger foundation for more of the roller coaster of life to occur between the two of
you.
So thank you for watching.
If you liked this video, please subscribe to it, like the video, comment below too.
You know, I'm really curious has this happened in your relationship?
Do you find yourself stuffing emotions and not actually revealing the primary emotion
to your partner?
And can you see how this would make a difference in your relationship?
If so comment below.
If you don't think so, if you think it's a bunch of crap, comment below as well.
I want to hear that too.
Thank you for watching.