- How do you deal with in-laws?
Besides killing them?
(heavy sigh)
(choppy music)
When it comes to dealing with in-laws
I think we can spend like an hour talking about this
'cause there's so many different scenarios.
Example in North America,
if you don't live together, that's a story.
If you actually live together, like Asian family,
we actually live with our in-law,
that's a different story.
But we chose to live with our in-law,
that's why we got that big home, right?
So, let's talk about the very first one.
I think when you're dealing with in-law
that when, you understand when you marry someone,
the son or the daughter,
you have to come from their perspective.
You have to understand they have spent ten, fifteen,
twenty years spending so much effort,
nurturing this person from baby
now to teenage year to now an adult.
- Put all their love
and caring - Love, attention
and now when you get married,
you're going to kind of take that person away from them.
You've got to start from their place,
you gotta understand.
So if it's a daughter, the baby daughter,
oh my god, right?
So, I think first, you got to give your in-law
the comfort that they are making the right decision
of having over the daughter or the son to you.
Visa versa, even the son where, okay now
I'm going to let you- the son marry to this lady
and is this woman going to take care of my son?
- Exactly.
- Is this woman going to support my son no matter what?
It's the same worry, right?
Man or woman, it's the same.
So I think you need to give them comfort.
Kind of compliment them about how good
their son or daughter is,
and you know what, I love her so much.
I will cherish him or her, right?
I will take care of them.
Good or bad, we'll be together.
We're going to face challenges,
but I think we can overcome together.
I think they need to have that peace of mind,
what do you think?
- Yeah, I think for dad, what they're looking for
let's say if a dad has a daughter,
what they're looking for from the other guy
is can you protect my daughter like I did, right?
And then you-
- Can you care for her like I did?
- Exactly.
Can you protect her whole life and make sure she's happy
and always put a smile on her those kinds of things.
- Make her happy.
- That's what dad is looking for.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And for mom, let's say mom has a son,
and the mom will think,
can you take care of my son like I did?
Can you treat him like I did?
Can you maybe just thinking he was always my little boy
but can you treat him the way I did always caring about him?
Those are very very important to them.
- And if in some cases, it may be
before you get married after get married you feel like
how come my in-law doesn't trust me?
How come they don't trust me?
I said don't worry, I'm going to take care of your daughter,
I'm going to take care of your son.
But how come they still don't trust me?
Well I say it's not their problem.
Chances are, it's your problem.
You haven't given them the confidence, right?
Maybe you're weak and I mean it, right?
I don't know if you can actually protect my son,
I don't know if you can protect my daughter.
I don't know if you can give them the life
that he or she deserves.
Doesn't matter where you are, I'm not talking about money.
I'm talking about the security of knowing that
you're gonna take care of them.
You gotta take care of my little boy or little girl,
I think that's very very key.
So, compliment, making sure that
they are making the right decision
for letting them marry your son or daughter,
I think that's very key.
The second thing, and this is more
coming from a Chinese background
where we after we get married,
I would say treat your in-laws like your mom and dad.
Actually treat them like your parents
because now you're together as one unit,
as one family, so when I like with Jenny's mom and dad
right, I call them mom and dad.
- Yes.
- Right, mom and dad.
With my mom, right, same thing, Jenny calls my mom mom.
It's the same, so once you get married,
they are your father and mother.
You should treat them with respect, right?
Respect them and communicate the way
they want to be communicating to you.
At the end of the day, I think in the Chinese culture
we respect the elders.
- Yes.
- The older family - Senior
Of the family.
- Right, we respect that.
That's kind of in our culture
that's what we do and that's why living together-
when we got this place before we were living in a penthouse
and why we decided to move to a bigger home now,
4300 square feet, six bedrooms seven bathrooms, right
why we moved to this place,
one of the big major reasons
was so that we could live together as a family
with my in-law, right?
And it's great, I mean we live under the same roof.
We don't argue, we don't-
it's great right, and we can spend-
because we are so busy that
I know if we don't live together,
chances are that we won't see them a lot, right?
'Cause we've got so much going on.
But at home, hey, at least when we come home
when we're working we see each other, right.
We're here, right. - Yeah.
- And third point and a very very important point is
- You've got to compliment your spouse or partner
in front of their parents.
- Yes.
Compliment your partner so that again,
it gives them that comfort.
It gives them that idea of oh yeah, you know,
you value my daughter.
- Yes.
- You value my son.
- Yes.
Sometimes I will say in front of Dan's mom
which is my in-law, I would say
Thank you, mom, for raising this good son,
good husband to me, I really appreciate it,
and she will feel so happy, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- And I think one thing I've learned in any household
that is there could only be one leader in any household.
So, as we, I think as daughter and son at first,
maybe your in-law, your father-in-law
or mother-in-law, depends,
is the leader in the household,
but as they grow older, I think you need to step up
and own that leadership, right,
and take that leadership role.
As the husband, as the wife, and say this is how things are.
You don't just always want to obey.
Lead, don't just obey.
You gotta lead.
You got to lead from the front.
You gotta lead the family
and say this is where the family is going.
This is the direction
and I find that that's kinda what happens
after we got married and moved to the same place
although of course I respect my in-law,
but really there are a lot of major decisions I make
and I'm the leader of the family, right?
And that actually reduces argument,
that's why we don't argue, right?
And not just I lead, but I also need to earn the respect.
That I make the right decisions,
I always put the family's interest ahead
- Yes.
- Of myself.
I always think of the family,
I always try to do my very best to protect the family.
After you've demonstrated again and again
and again and again you've earned their trust,
then it's like okay now you can lead.
It's not just say I want to lead the family.
I want to be the boss.
I want to make all the decisions.
You don't just say it, you do it, you demonstrate
through actions that you are worthy of being a leader
that they can follow you and they can trust you.
Because it's not just now the daughter,
it's them trusting you with everything, right?
That's what I'm talking about.
When you can get to that place, I think with your in-law,
and that's why the title is on so much in this video
is people think how to deal with my in-law, right,
it's like a problem, it's an issue,
well if you start with that kind of mentality,
I don't think that's very healthy, right?
- Maybe it helps to communicate with them properly.
- How to communicate with my in-law, right.
How to prosper with my in-law, right.
How to live as a family, not just how to deal with them.
- Yeah.
Because they are part of your family.
- They are part of the family.
The day that you choose to marry,
the husband or the wife, now you become a family.
You cannot just say, I just want a daughter
I just want a son, but I don't want your family.
Well, when you choose to marry that person,
you kinda take that on.
Good or bad.
That's why choosing the right partner is critical.
And on the other videos, you can click on the I button
and we talk about how to find the perfect partner.
We're not going to talk about that today,
but find that perfect partner,
the right partner to start off with,
very very critical.
Very very critical.
So comment below and let us know how you deal
with your in-law, how you deal with it.
How you communicate to your-
- How you show your love to your in-law.
- How do you show your respect?
How do you lead your family?
Comment below, or if you have any other questions
when it comes to dealing with in-law, maybe
maybe your in-laws are very strong,
they are like very successful and they are not easy
to communicate to, how do you deal with that?
Maybe we will make a future episode on that,
but comment below if you want us to go a little bit deeper
about this issue because I think people with in-law
from all over the world, you have different issues.
So comment below and let us know.
Hit the subscribe button right there.
Turn on the bell, turn on notifications,
so every time we release a new video,
you will get notified,
so you won't miss anything.
If you like this episode.
Give us a thumbs up,
and check out our other video on the right side
right there, right there.
And until next time, remember,
behind every successful man, there is a
- Smarter woman and a lovely in-law family.
- Love your in-law.