But I hope you won't let those comments affect you
Cause they don't know how much hard work you put in
to prepare for every shoot to get to where you are today.
Oh my god.
Hello.
Feels weird to be on this side.
Hello.
PD: What are some of the most hurtful things people have said to you?
In my very first video with Eatbook,
one of the comments said, "Chiara is such a try-hard."
It's just one word, but until today after two years,
I'm still somewhat affected by it.
It made me doubt myself.
I love laughing, I love talking.
And if that's try hard right,
should I be someone else? Should I not laugh so loudly?
Not only 'try-hard' but fat shamming.
"Chiara you're getting fatter..."
These things actually really affected me.
Not only emotionally but psychologically as well.
Your job is to eat, and everybody thinks you're fat.
What are you gonna do?
Okay, you see? It's not that everybody thinks I'm fat.
But I think that everybody thinks I'm fat.
Because of one comment.
One comment can actually harm people in a big way.
Most of the hard hitting things that have been said to
me have been pertaining to mental health.
I first (got) exposed to mental health issues when I was in Secondary two.
I first opened up to my closest friends in school,
they didn't react very well to it.
One of the more common things they would say is,
"Why are you so weak?"
"Everyone has their own problems in life,
but you don't see us getting depression and having to go for counseling."
"So, what's so bad about your life?"
Those are (from) people I cared about.
But the people who are not really friends, (they will say)
"Oh she's so weak then might as well don't live lah."
"If she want to kill herself then just go."
"If she cannot even handle life at this stage, then what's the point of living?"
The worst thing that I've been told wasn't by anybody else but myself.
I was being sent on a work trip.
It was my first work trip where
I was alone from my department,
and I had to edit the entire travel video myself.
They had confidence in me doing this, they gave me the confidence.
I just really did the best that I could,
but it wasn't good enough.
My supervisors sat me down and (went) through the entire video with me,
how I can basically salvage the video to make it flow better and more interesting.
When I see what they see,
I was so disappointed in myself.
I had all these thoughts in my head.
"I'm a disappointment."
They probably regretted sending me on this trip.
Or worse, they probably regretted converting me to a full-timer,
cause I've probably proven that I don't have the skills or techniques.
There's this one thing that kind of stuck with me for a long time,
it happened when I was in lower secondary.
I was actually in CCA.
We had fallen in already but this senior - Let's call him A.
He decided to come directly to me in the formation and asked me to move out of the squad.
There was this other guy (B) I've never spoken to before in my life.
A was like, "Don't worry about it, let's just have a normal conversation."
I was just asking more about B, getting to know him.
When suddenly, A stopped me
and turned to B. He said,
"See I told you right? He's just like that."
B laughed and said, "Yeah, in a girly way."
I became the butt of the joke because
I did not live up to their expectations of what being a man was.
PD: How did you feel after hearing these hurtful words?
Really a bit stressful. It made me want to just shut up.
Every single word I say I'll just think maybe it's not what people want to hear.
My words are invalid.
It changed who I am as a person.
I was a very animated person, and because of that (incident) I hated myself for a long time.
I didn't like how I looked, I didn't like how I acted.
I really made conscious efforts to change my mannerisms.
If I saw myself with a limp wrist,
I would slap myself so I would stop doing it.
I was emotionally and mentally drained.
I felt like I was in a black hole.
And I cannot come out of the black hole. I'm just falling further and further.
In Secondary two, I finally decided to take that leap to go for counseling.
And I told the counselor that I wanted to end my life.
I mean I can only understand that as a counselor, you will have to inform people.
So she informed my mum and my form teacher.
But somehow I felt like the whole class knew.
They didn't start treating me better.
But they started looking at me as if there was something very wrong with me.
Because of how they stigmatized mental health,
I felt like even though I wanted to reach out and get help, I could not.
I struggled a lot with being called an attention seeker.
I tried my best not to talk about these kind of things because
I didn't want people to think that I was overreacting or being over dramatic.
I was afraid people might think that I cannot handle stress at work.
I don't usually address my feelings. I just tend to forget them.
But talking about it today...
Maybe it's just a short term solution.
I (have) never looked for long term solutions.
Such as talking to someone professional about it.
I felt like my problem was not big enough.
But now I do realise that, big or small your problems do matter.
I think the turning point was when I went to poly.
One of my closest friends - She was very understanding of my depression and things like that.
She was the one who pushed me into seeking help.
She showed me the difference between
what it's like to support and be there for me when I seek help,
rather than sort of pressuring me
and say that "Oh my God you're crazy, you definitely need to see the counselor."
There are two of my teammates whom I'm very close to,
and they were there for me.
They just hear me out when I needed to let my feelings out.
I've grown to love who I am now.
Being comfortable with myself wasn't easy.
I think it took me awhile to be more comfortable
with my more feminine sides that I still have today.
I would say that these people who helped me see the better sides of me,
are people that I know I can rely and trust on,
and talk to if I ever need help.
I'm going for therapy,
and one of the more recent things she shared with me which is very helpful is that,
"Thoughts are just words."
"So we don't need to give these words so much power."
Oh my God, don't want!
Why?
No wonder you put the tissue box here.
This really validated me today. A lot.
So I really put in a lot of effort and I feel like only An understands. An knows.
Well that really hit in the feels.
You asked Jon Paul?
Oh no...
I don't dare to read.
This means a lot to me
because Jon Paul was the one who took time out
before my trip to teach me as much as he could.
So when I came back and basically the video did not make through right,
I felt that I let Jon Paul down a lot.
Overall...
Are you serious?!
You went to contact Ian?
Are you mad?!
PD: How do you feel after reading those messages?
I feel well loved
by the people around me. Oh my God.
It's quite unexpected because I really didn't expect people to share so many positive things about myself.
Sometimes I look at myself, I don't see these things.
The impact is very huge,
when it comes from people who have seen you at your lowest point.
And they acknowledge your struggle,
acknowledge how much strength it takes to be who you are
on any regular day where you're just being happy.
In late secondary school and poly,
I never knew what it was like to have real friends.
It was only after I met people in my life who are still my sources of support now,
I realised how much difference a friend can make.
I think these people are good examples of
what it means to feel safe with them,
and create an environment where I can speak freely about what's on my mind.
PD: If you could turn back time to speak to your past self during your darkest times,
PD: what would you have done differently?
Instead of letting negative comments from people who don't matter affect me,
have pent up stress and anxiety in myself,
I should - I would be more open to talk about it.
I will always imagine if time-travel was a thing,
I'll go and visit my teenage self
and she'll look very toot (nerdy) wearing her oversized uniform.
And then she'll be shocked. She'll look at me and be like,
"Oh wow!" And I'll be like," Oh yes!"
Then I'll tell her
everything that I wanted as a teenager, I now have (it).
I should take things easy, and not everything is the end of the world.
I know back then I didn't really feel I had a lot of people I could count on,
or share these things with.
But a lot of it had to do with the fact that I
self-regulated myself in a way that I wouldn't speak about it to certain people.
even though I may have been closer to them.
And after reading these letters, people care more than you think.
I will not wait till the point where I was internally crying for help, and for help to come to me.
There was one night where I was working,
and I suddenly couldn't take it.
I was shouting for help,
(but) I was shouting in my head.
it just wouldn't come out from my mouth.
One of my colleague noticed something was going on,
and he asked me if I was okay.
It meant a lot to me because he actually pulled me out of that dark hole I was in.
PD: Do you have any advice for people who experienced something similar,
PD: or are undergoing stress of their own?
In terms of practical ways and coping mechanisms,
the first thing that I did which really changed my life around
was becoming more active.
Because when you exercise,
you'll get endorphins and chemically speaking it'll make you feel better.
My coping mechanisms apparently were very short term.
Because you're just running away from your feelings, your thoughts.
It's very important to speak out and seek help if needed
once you know that you're too clouded with all these negative thoughts,
and your emotional and mental health is dropping.
Your friends are actually always there.
It's okay to be weak in front of your friends because they do not want to harm you.
They care for you and they want to help you.
If you don't have avenues to speak with because
you don't feel comfortable sharing your issues with the people around you,
there are always hotlines that you can use.
I think therapy really helps,
because it's super different from speaking to your friends and family.
It's good to have heart to heart talks with them,
but when you speak to a therapist,
their responses are completely impartial.
They'll be able to give you
the tools you'll need to manage your own emotions and thoughts.
At the end of the day, we all need someone to listen to our worries at some point,
and there is no shame in doing so.
Thank you for watching this video.
If you are going through a difficult time as well,
or resonated with any of our stories,
do know that you are not alone and it's okay to seek help.
Here are some helplines you can call such as
Belle, Beyond the Label helpbot, as well as Samaritans of Singapore.
But if you would like to contribute in promoting Youth Mental Well-Being,
join the Youth Mental Well-Being Network.
Or if you have ideas on how we can remove mental health stigmas,
you can take part in the Youth Action Challenge.
All these links can be found in the description box down below.