- Now, the dumbest thing about this place
is when you pick your cat up, they get a kitty report card.
Which makes a lot of sense, you know?
Because cats have so many measurable skills.
[laughter]
And this is what Kevin's last report card said.
It said "Kevin enjoys playing with string.
"Maybe on his next visit,
he would enjoy playing with the laser light pointer."
And I saw that, and I called them up,
and I was, like, hey, man.
Why didn't you bring out
the laser light pointer on this trip?
He was there for a week. Bust it out.
Especially if you feel like he has an aptitude for it.
And they went "oh, Mr. Wengert, you don't understand.
Laser light pointer is one of our luxury activities."
I would need to spend another nine dollars
so that one of the employees
of the Best Little Cat House in Pasadena
shine a laser light pointer on the wall.
I'm not there yet.
[laughter]
I realize that not everyone has a cat,
so here's a universally relatable topic.
Have you ever gotten a song stuck in your head before?
Sure, Joe, we've all been there.
Those are called earworms when that happens.
And there's a remedy for earworms.
It sounds a little counter-intuitive,
but what you're supposed to do is
you're supposed to listen to that song
that you got stuck in your head
a bunch of times in a row on purpose,
and that'll kick the song out of your head.
And that works.
Unless the song that you have stuck in your head
is a song that you made up...
[laughter]
While you were doing laundry.
And now, welcome to my world.
This is where I've been living
for the past five or six months now.
Every private moment of my life,
especially at nighttime, when I lay me down to sleep,
I hear myself sing the following song.
♪ Some people like to see me do my thing ♪
♪ Some people like to see me move around ♪
Every night!
Every night.
And that's just how my life is going to go from here on out.
Unless if I can get the money together
to go into a recording studio to record myself going
♪ Some people like to see me do my thing ♪
♪ Some people like to see me move around ♪
Not true! It's also not true.
And I'm too old for that type of nonsense
at this point now.
I'm starting to go through a phase of my life
that I like to call old man puberty.
Because I'm getting more unnecessary hair
in more unexpected places.
Just like, zones of my body where I don't need any hair.
Like, I'm starting to get shoulder hair.
No one had prepared me for shoulder hair.
So when I get a shoulder hair, I just yank it out.
I just pull it out.
But if I don't get a good grip on it,
it'll slide between my fingernails.
And have you ever done that trick
when you're wrapping a birthday present,
and you pull the ribbon alongside a pair of scissors
for the curly-Q effect?
That's what happens to my shoulder hair.
So then, I have, like, fancy festive shoulder hair.
I live alone with a cat.