You know, I thought my next Hasan the Record
would be about this guy.
NEWSMAN: Colin Kaepernick kneeling.
Get that son of a bitch off the field...
But then I thought maybe it would be about this.
-Very disturbing photo shoot... -(overlapping chatter)
-But then this happened. -(indistinct chanting)
Then I thought, "Wait a second.
It should really be about this."
We're gonna open up the libel laws
so when they write falsely...
-Shut up, you guys! -(overlapping chatter stops)
You're all talking about the same thing:
free speech.
The First Amendment.
But there's one thing America's startup dads didn't think of:
what if speaking your truth meant saying stuff like this?
Go back to Africa!
Or this?
Go to Auschwitz!
So what's up, America?
Do you really love free speech or do you not?
But should you?
You're Hasan the record.
♪ ♪
This thing on?
Now, usually, we think of people on the right as the ones wanting
to curtail our freedom of expression.
Players have the right for free speech off the field.
Frankly, disgusting the way the press is able to write
whatever they want to write.
Uh, check your blood pressure,
'cause you're salty, bro.
But with actual Nazis marching in the streets
like it's Berlin back in 19... (mumbles)
many on the left are like, "Hold my beer."
By which I mean, "(bleep) free speech.
I don't like what you have to say."
Those on the left have no tolerance
for diversity and opinion.
The left? Not my woke baes.
REPORTER: Violent protests erupting overnight
at UC Berkeley. The campus locked down,
as more than a thousand people rallied against the appearance
of a controversial editor from Breitbart.
Like, seriously.
Yeah, you tell him, backpack guy!
College campuses are supposed to be about free expression
and racist-themed frat parties.
Accurate.
But now college students have tried to stop
far-right people from just speaking.
This is the one time where I'm totally cool with calling
-these kids snowflakes. -Snowflakes. -Snowflakes.
Especially you, Snowflake O'Brien.
She later changed her name to Raindrop O'Brien.
Climate change, brah.
♪ ♪
Here's the problem. If we all start forbidding
so-called hate speech, it turns the First Amendment
into a popularity contest,
just like my high school student council election.
We never got root beer in those water fountains, Rodrigo!
Empty promises, Rodrigo!
The only people who will get to talk are the ones who agree
with the people who get to say what hate speech even is.
But who is that people?
This year, maybe it's your side.
Next year, maybe it's Republican legislators saying
Black Lives Matter is the same as white supremacists.
-(exhales) -So what do we want, Minhajers?
If we don't want to limit free speech
but we've still got those pesky Nazis marching in the streets,
what do we want to do?
Let's ask a country known for its sense of humor.
Germany.
You know how Germans are hilarious.
REPORTER: Germany's most involuntary walkathon,
the Nazis Against Nazis campaign
officially gets underway.
This is March of Dimes for racists.
Instead of protesting, local businesses and residents
sponsored the Nazis.
They put up giant pink banners
welcoming them to the Nazis Against Nazis walkathon,
and they donated cash,
so that the longer the Nazis walked,
the more money went to an anti-Nazi program.
So maybe that's the key.
These guys are real-life trolls.
And if you want to get rid of trolls,
you have to out-troll them.
So let's learn from the Germanians,
and instead of stopping our shithead opponents
from speaking, use some ideological judo.
Okay, here's some ideas.
Start your own tiki torch company
and secretly fill them up with mosquito pheromones.
Instead of punching white supremacist Richard Spencer
in the head, dump a bucket of glitter on him,
'cause nothing gets glitter out.
Make Confederate memorials the hot new destination
for gay weddings.
That floral arch is straight fire, my dudes.
As Martin Luther King Jr. once said,
"If you can't beat 'em,
troll 'em."
Think about it, you guys.
Really think about it.
To all my Hasan-nabes out there, we restocked
the Minhapsacks on HasanTheRecord.com.
They're soft, they're plushy,
and they're made with my real hair.
Mmm, lunchtime.
I found a ninth hole on the human body,
and I'll tell you about it on the next Hasan the Record.