I don't know if you heard, you probably heard, maybe
you heard, I have a new stand up special on Netflix.
[APPLAUSE]
Yep.
My original pitch was a true crime documentary
where I crack unsolved murders.
There was one in Michigan, and it
was called Hell Freezes Over.
But the detective I was working with double crossed me,
and two of my sources disappeared.
So I made a stand up special instead.
Because Netflix had paid me already.
So I had to come up with something.
My special's called Relatable, and if you haven't seen it yet,
it came out December 18th, would you
like to see a little bit of it?
[APPLAUSE]
I was hoping you'd say that.
So here's a little bit.
Yeah, I can't-- when I'm in traffic, here's the thing,
I love to drive.
And I like to drive fast.
And I'm safe, but I do like to go fast.
And so slow drivers irritate me because they're going so slow.
And let's be honest, it's usually a Prius.
Isn't it?
It's a--
[APPLAUSE]
They got the coexist bumper sticker on the back,
listening to NPR, knitting a hemp scarf.
If I see a Prius going fast, I'm like, good for you!
I don't know why it is whenever we pass someone going slow,
we have to see what they look like.
We're always like, that's what you look like.
I thought so.
I thought--
There's nothing more embarrassing than when
you pass up a slow driver to show them
the proper way of driving.
You go around them and show them how they should be driving.
And then, you hit a red light, and you're
watching them slowly creep up in your rear view mirror,
and you're just--
please change, please change, please change.
And the light doesn't change, so they just
creep up alongside of you.
I'm just going to look down here and touch that.
I'm gonna see what that is right there with that
because I have to see this.
And now I know you're next to me,
but you're still wrong even though you caught up.
And I'm going to do that with my finger for a while because--
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
So stand up used to be my life.
I mean, that, is how I started my career.
I did it forever, and then I became famous.
And then, a lot of comedy clubs started painting portraits
of me on their walls next to other famous comedians.
And I don't know how to put this, but I wish they wouldn't.
I photograph very well.
I was a CoverGirl, I'm on TV, I'm photogenic.
But for some reason, it's hard to draw me.
And I'm just not draw-o-genic, I guess.
It's more of the artist's fault than mine.
I'm going to show you what I mean.
This is a portrait of me.
It was painted on the side of the improv here in Los Angeles.
OK.
Yeah.
That's back when I was tweezing my eyebrows.
And I-- this is true nowadays when I go to get my haircut,
I bring this, and I say, not that.
Then they painted over that, and updated it to this.
That's me and my famous guitar right there.
That's like a lesbian Johnny Cash, I am.
I don't play guitar, I never have, I don't own a guitar.
Finally, this is from the Loony Bin.
It's a name of the club in Oklahoma City.
Yeah.
It looks like I ate some bad shellfish right there.
That's-- In their defense, cinder block is hard to work
with.
It really is.
Hi, I'm Andy.
Ellen asked me to remind you to subscribe to her channel
so you can see more awesome videos, like videos
of me getting scared or saying embarrassing things,
like ball peen hammer, and also some videos of Ellen
and other celebrities.
If you're into that sort of thing.
Oh [BLEEP]!
God [BLEEP]!