[Music]
hey guys welcome to my bedroom and to my
bare naked face scandalous I know so I
have been meaning to film an everyday
makeup tutorial for probably like three
months now it's been on my to-do list
for a hot second but every single time I
think I'm ready to film the video I get
my camera set up I get my makeup out and
I look in the mirror and there's
something about my face that I don't
like that day whether it's like oh my
cheeks are too chubby today or like I
have acne scars that I'm still dealing
with let me just wait until those go
away and then I'll film this video later
on and eventually it just occurred to me
that it's so absurd that I am this
person on the internet trying to view
this like feminist empowering badass
person yet I still barely have the
courage to show my bare face on screen
for like a split second feeling
confident in yourself and battling
insecurities is something so much easier
said than done and it's still something
that I deal with to this day so today
while I do my makeup routine I wanted to
talk to you guys about kind of my
journey of an insecurity [ __ ] that I
still deal with my thoughts on social
media and marketing and the makeup
industry and how it all affects how we
perceive ourselves so yeah I've really
been enjoying these like Girl Talk
videos with you guys so yeah that is the
the video that you're watching today
let's jump into it okay so my first tip
I feel like such a [ __ ] beauty guru
my first step is this milk hydro primer
I used to not be a primer person but I
layer on so much blush that it does
actually help when you have oily skin to
have like a primer to lock it all down
and make sure it doesn't slip totally
optional though I don't do this every
single day I know primers can be kind of
expensive or something that seems to not
do that much for your skin I grew up a
very carefree tomboy type and high
school was the first time that I really
became self aware of how I looked high
school also happened to be the time when
I started getting really really bad acne
I had like cystic acne pretty much my
entire cheek area was always covered
with sits for like four years of my life
so I really started using makeup as
something defensive almost every single
day in high school whether I was going
to school or work I had to put on
foundation concealer eyebrows it was
like this
that I had to wear in order to become
like a socially acceptable version of
myself I literally felt like it would be
offensive to other people if I went out
with my bare skin and my acne and people
had to see it I looked so different
without makeup and with makeup on that I
ended up having this almost like
impostor syndrome for my own face if
that makes sense I felt like I almost
had two different faces there was my
makeup face and there was the face that
I woke up to every morning and I
honestly didn't know which one I
identified with more I would look at my
super acne ridden face and I would say I
don't feel like this I don't feel like
this person but when I put makeup on I
also felt like I was still faking people
out because I knew what I looked like
under the makeup this is the foundation
I use by the way it is the milk sunshine
skin tint it's basically like a tinted
moisturizer I like it because it's super
glowy and it also just has this cool
like ball apparatus and I do love a good
ball this is very much a side note but I
honestly think if you ever feel insecure
about how your vagina looks just to
think about how weird guy's balls are
like all genitals are [ __ ] weird so
there's no point in being embarrassed
about what yours look like anyway that
was completely unrelated to this this
whole face talk but I used to have
insecurities about how my vagina looked
as well so just saying one time in high
school I think it was for my 17th
birthday my friends came over for a
little surprise birthday party gathering
and my mom called me downstairs and I
thought she was just calling me to like
do dishes or have dinner or something
like that so I came down in my
sweatpants in my glasses without any
makeup on and there I see all of my
friends and I was so mortified because
the vast majority of them had never seen
me without makeup on before so I
remember in this moment that was
supposed to be something like really
happy like oh my god that's so cool that
all of my friends are here to celebrate
my birthday I was just freaking out like
trying to like cover up the sides of my
face with my hair trying to figure out
if everybody was judging me for the way
that my skin looked I think that makeup
can be empowering to people I think that
some people really do find enjoyment and
art in it but I think the sad thing
nowadays is that women are expected to
wear makeup so often then it becomes
this barrier to actually living your
life to the fullest as cheesy as that
sounds it
barrier to actually being spontaneous
because we have this you know 20-30
minutes however long it takes you to get
ready before we can hang out with people
before we can go out before we can even
[ __ ] go to a meeting this whole
construct of beauty does really in a
tangible way become a barrier to woman
just like enjoying their lives sometimes
I wonder how much more of my life I
genuinely could have enjoyed if I wasn't
worried about how I looked or whether my
concealer was slipping off or whether my
eyebrows looked alright or I had to run
to the bathroom to fix my hair okay here
is my face all Foundation DUP to cover
any little spots that my foundation
missed I have this concealer I've been
using for ages from NARS I am looking
for an alternative though that's cruelty
free if you do happen to have any
suggestions leave them down below so
obviously I had insecurities about my
acne when I was in high school but
growing up in suburban Maryland I really
was never insecure about the way that my
face looked or the way that my body
looked I never felt like I wasn't pretty
enough I just knew that I didn't have
clear skin and once I moved to LA for
film school oh boy did that change LA is
a whole new world of beauty standards
when I came to college that was the
first time that I really deeply felt
insecure about the way that I looked and
it was something that was on my mind
every single day I knew that I shouldn't
be comparing myself to other people but
I literally couldn't help seeing in LA
all of these beautiful beautiful girls
with like model faces it made me feel
worse about myself even though nobody
else's beauty should Rob away from my
feeling of beauty but like if we're
being honest it [ __ ] does it's really
hard to look at beautiful people and not
feel less beautiful yourself la also has
a very white and blonde standard of
beauty in my high school there were a
lot of Asian kids and there were also a
lot of mixed kids that looked like me
and I never felt like I was any less
beautiful or attractive because of being
half asian and half white and when I
moved to LA that was the first time that
I really felt like I would never fit
into what people defined as beautiful
because of my race and in LA it was also
one of the first times that I became
very like aware of how my race
affected my everyday interactions my
first-ever day in LA I was walking to my
internship and a guy on the street yells
at me hey you Chinese girl trying to be
white I was like sir what what like
comment on my ass but don't [ __ ]
comment on my race in the street also
realistically please don't comment on my
ass either and this happened several
times like when I was on a date with a
white guy somebody yelled out of the car
like hey white an agent loved that I was
like like where I grew up it was super
normal for there to be interracial
dating because it's the [ __ ] 21st
century and nobody should care anymore
I never would have expected my race to
be something that mattered more in LA
that I did in [ __ ] suburban Maryland
but it really did as a freshman I also
gained probably like 10 or 15 pounds I
felt very isolated
I felt very lonely and it kind of turned
into this self-perpetuating cycle of
eating as like a comfort and then
feeling shitty about myself because I
was gaining weight and then eating more
because of it I started hating things
about my own face which had never
happened before
I hated the way my nose was kind of
rounded and wasn't super pointy I wanted
that cute little like tip of a nose that
white girls have I hated my smile my
parents growing up always said that I
had a Wallace and from and smile because
it's very like a rounded at the edges I
would sit in my spare time and try to
teach my face how to smile with like
sharp corners at the edges of my mouth
instead of these rounded corners and
yeah never [ __ ] worked I still smile
the way that I smile and most of all
especially because this was the time on
the Internet where like cheekbones and
eyebrows were super in I hated how
chubby my face was and I hated that I
didn't have super sharp cheekbones
weirdly I didn't even realize that all
the things that I had hated the most
about my own face were the things that
were most Asian about my face until I
was already like outlining this video a
couple days ago and I realize like [ __ ]
those are just all of my features that
are the least Eurocentric sorry I'm
getting distracted by talking and not
actually doing my makeup um I'm gonna
tackle my eyebrows now this is a very
faded benefit brow gel situation I'm
gonna smack that on these babies I think
we're at a very interesting
right now when it comes to diversity
finally brands and Hollywood are
accepting diversity a little bit more
like finally in 2019 we have a movie
with an Asian cast like that took
forever but it's also awesome so I love
that people are accepting the diversity
more and more yet at the same time we
have these snapchat and Instagram
filters that impose hero centric
features on your face essentially and
create a narrower and narrower ideal of
what Beauty should be I remember when
that one beautifying snapchat filter
first came out and it makes your eyes
big and it makes your nose look super
slim and pointy and it even makes your
skin lighter I remember looking at it
and being like [ __ ] like I look prettier
with this filter in LA - you see all
these girls like getting their lip
fillers and nose jobs and I don't judge
anybody for doing whatever cosmetic
procedure they want their own face but I
can't help feeling like sometimes we're
all snitches like in that dr. Seuss book
we saw like Kylie Jenner get her lip
injections and she got the star and now
we all want the star and now Kylie took
out her lip injections then everybody's
going back through the machine to get
their star taken off I am hopeful though
because I think that especially kind of
with this like euphoria effect and with
the next generation beauty and fashion
are so unique and funky and expressive
and diverse I [ __ ] love that so much
I'm so over this like face tuned
perfection like [ __ ] that that's boring
I literally cannot multitask while I do
my brows this is the one activity that
takes my entire brainpower and more to
do properly so I'm gonna shut up for a
second while I do my brows and then
we'll keep talking okay I think that's
that's about right it's always an
adventure with my eyebrows they're
different every single day that's the
saying actually life is like doing your
eyebrows in the morning you never know
what you're gonna get for my eyes I just
do a really simple cover XS FX so okay
let's talk about where I am today with
my relationship with my own face you
know today
I have good days I have bad days when it
comes to confidence but at least the
thing that feels like a lot of progress
to me is that even though I have like my
flaws and my insecurities I wouldn't
want to wake up in the morning and look
in the mirror and see anybody but myself
if that makes sense I think I've just
gotten to the point where this is me and
even if it's not perfect I like the fact
that it's me sorry that sounded like
some motivational poster [ __ ] I
genuinely feel like at this point even
if I could get free and perfect plastic
surgery so that my face looked this
ideal way I wouldn't want to wake up in
the morning and not be able to recognize
myself and that's a good [ __ ] feeling
to have let's do a little bit of
eyeliner this is one from the drugstore
it is L'Oreal linear intense carbon
black wire makeup names always so
intense by the way makeup oh it sounds
like a weapon or a sex toy there's no
in-between
again I require my full brain's effort
for this part so I apologize for the
awkward silence oops
I'm gonna have to wipe this off and I'll
be right back okay
here is my eyeliner I touched it up in
the bathroom because I am horrible at
multitasking we got them to be like not
twins but stepsisters and that is really
the best that one could ask for
although gaining confidence has been a
very gradual process for me there was
one trip in particular that really
helped me change my perspective when I
was 19 years old I went to Austin by
myself I only packed one pair of
contacts and I didn't pack my glasses
and I lost my contacts on the plane so
for my entire trip in Austin my vision
was like slightly blurry but it was the
first time in my entire life where I
couldn't look in the mirror and pick
apart like I have a little bit of acne
my eyebrows look a little bit off or my
concealer is a little bit cakey I could
finally just enjoy myself in the moment
I could head out of the house without
basically bullying myself first that
entire trip I felt so confident in the
way that I looked and honestly for the
first time I think I saw myself the way
that other people see me other people
aren't looking at my face from like a
centimeter away trying to count my
blackheads there
looking at me as like a whole person
this is probably TMI but I had some of
the best [ __ ] sex on that trip
because I finally wasn't self-conscious
of how I looked and I wasn't like
beating myself up I was just getting
beat up by that sweet sweet dick no
we're not gonna put that in the video
are we it just made me realize how
self-critical I am and how inspecting
all of my little imperfections everyday
doesn't make me any happier or any more
confident the reasons that I'm insecure
are completely in my head and it's not
necessarily about how I look it's about
how I perceive myself and how I talk to
myself now it is time for blush which is
my favorite part I literally use three
different blushes so my first one is
glossy err glossy a the French or
screaming cloud paint this one is in
dusk and then I'm gonna layer on top of
that glossy a cloud painting storm
because I am an extra ass [ __ ] but I
swear to god they look better when
there's two of them on top of each other
it's like a gradient on your cheeks
anyways ever since that experience I
really made it a conscious goal to try
to be more accepting of the way that I
look and I've gone out and more and more
without makeup on honestly on a
day-to-day basis I don't wear makeup I
mostly just wear makeup if I am going
out on a date if I'm filming a video if
I want to take instagram photos and I
honestly really want to get to the point
where I feel okay taking Instagram
photos or shooting videos on the fly
without makeup on that would be super
cool so it's a work in progress but but
she's coming along oh another thing that
has been a good step of progress for me
and this might this might sound stupid
but you guys might relate to it I used
to be so afraid of sleeping over at a
guy's place because in the morning I
would wake up with my makeup like a
little bit smudged and then he'd be able
to see a little bit of my acne or my
eyebrows wouldn't be perfect that's in
my sophomore year of college I would get
like serious anxiety over it if I was
sleeping over at a guy's place like I
could not go to sleep properly so I
would sleep for like a couple hours at a
time and then like keep waking up and I
would wake up at like 6:00 in the
morning do my face all over again and
then pretend to go back to sleep in the
most like absurd marvelous mrs. Mazal
type of way I was just so terrified of a
guy seeing me
in a less-than-perfect state even when I
was in a relationship i weirdly felt
like if my boyfriend like saw my acne
that he would legitimately not want to
be with me anymore which is absolutely
not how love should work but that was
just how I psyched myself out in my head
and like I said before that was another
way that Beauty created barriers between
me and actually experiencing things that
I wanted to experience and enjoying the
moment and honestly like being a better
partner girlfriend or date because I was
so like anxious and like tense because I
didn't want anybody to be able to see my
imperfections but recently as I go out
more and more without makeup on and I
feel a lot more comfortable in my own
skin this is gonna sound dumb but like
for the first time sleeping over at a
guy's place I was just like I'm gonna
sleep I'm gonna wake up whatever my face
looks like in the morning is what my
[ __ ] face looks like in the morning
and believe it or not it was fine he did
not run screaming from his own room we
still had breakfast together and it went
well so sometimes it's a matter of just
like putting yourself out there and
proving to yourself that people can
still love you and want to hang out with
you when you don't necessarily look like
this perfect dolled up version of
yourself this all being said you
shouldn't define like how attractive or
how confident you feel in yourself based
on how men treat you okay now time for
my third blush this is the milk makeup
it's like a giant blush stick which I
actually really like this is what I use
when I'm in a rush and I don't have time
for like my full blush routine
I'll just smack this onto my cheeks
because it's a really big stick guy get
your head out of the gutter Ashley they
do a little bit on the nose too like the
e girl that I am for highlighter I pop
on a little bit of this milk makeup
stick again it's just like super easy
because you just go whoop whoop and then
you rub it in a little bit I'm gonna do
my collarbones too because I'm feeling
fancy
get a shoulder highlight like a [ __ ]
Kardashian ooh
I think a lot of people will watch this
video and say of course it's [ __ ]
easy for you to feel confident because
your face looks like that
it can feel like such a [ __ ] when
people that you think are pretty tell
you to be confident in yourself and
preach empowerment and stuff because it
seems so easy for them but having been
through my own blow-up myself and kind
of being on both sides of things I can
tell you that getting prettier or
putting on makeup it does change the way
that people treat you and the way that
people talk about you and how people
perceive you on social media that's just
the brutal truth of our superficial
world but changing your appearance alone
is not enough to make you love yourself
there are some of the most beautiful
models in this world who have the lowest
self confidence and who absolutely
despise the way they look and there are
people who don't conform to this
[ __ ] beauty standard and who have
incredible confidence and who feel like
the most beautiful people in the world
because they genuinely love themselves I
used to tell myself that once my skin
was clear where I lost a certain amount
of weight that I could be happy with
myself and the truth is that once you
reach those goals that's never enough to
actually make you happy it doesn't make
you feel any better about yourself
because you just you just find another
thing to hate about yourself if you hate
yourself
you know we're surrounded by messages
every single day that there is something
new wrong with us that's partly the
beauty industry's fault they're always
selling you a new problem about yourself
people weren't worried about whether
their teeth were white before they
invented whitening toothpaste people
weren't worried about blackheads they'd
even know what that was until the
industry invented blackhead poor strips
nobody expected you to have a like size
zero waste and a huge ass before the
Kardashians like plastic surgery
themselves into it no matter what you
will never reach this beauty ideal
because nobody can it's something we're
designed to chase our entire lives with
more and more products and for my inner
corner I light I am using this crushed
EXO palette that was sent to me but I
also really really like the wet and wild
one that costs like $3 I'll also link
that down below I tragically shattered
mine on my bathroom floor when I knocked
it off the edge of my sink so the police
are currently invest
the crime scene but in the meantime I'm
just using this one Michelle Phan taught
me this from ages ago but you're
supposed to put like a little doop-doop
on your inner corner and it like lights
up your eyes or whatever beauty guru say
and I do this little new on my nose too
to make it look like kind of pointed and
like a white girl knows I don't know I
think it looks cute I am NOT gonna think
about that too much and then I do this
little upper lip situation to Cupid's
bow that's what it's called for lip balm
I got this gourmet gourmet stuff calm
with Carmex this is like by far the best
lip balm I spent so much money on those
yolks lip balms or like Burt's Bees as a
kid this is way better and it's way
cheaper there we go
also on my lips I'm gonna use this crush
EXO luscious gems lip gloss yes I am
that visco girl who uses lip gloss but
for some reason this is just a really
good color for me I'm so over the matte
lip trend it made my mouth look like a
crusty butthole every time also I just
talk and eat way too much to sustain a
lifestyle of regular lipstick so this
lip gloss is just like a little pop of
color
okay my final step which I only do
sometimes is a little bit of powder I
only use this on days where I'm
particularly hot and sweaty but boy
today is one of those days I've been
literally sitting with an ice cube tray
on my lab and it's melted completely
honest I was gonna make a whole video
about this but I went through a whole
phase like a year and a half ago two
years ago where I would face to him
nearly all of my photos I'm super not
proud of that this was when facetune was
a lot more popular and I was a lot more
insecure about my body but yeah I would
take in my waist a tiny bit I would even
like smoosh in my face so that it looks
less round
I would smooth out my skin I think I
thought that I would get some sense of
validation from it because I would get
to look online like I wanted to look in
my head but in reality it didn't make me
any happier because it felt like the
likes and the comments we're all fake
because I knew them my face and my body
online we're a little bit fake I think
it just goes to show it's so easy to
tell other people to accept themselves
the way that they are but we all at the
same time want to conform to this
could be the ideal now being hot on
Instagram it's kind of like
reinterpreted has this new wave of
women's empowerment which i think is a
complicated thing to contend with I
think it's a very fine line between
feeling empowered in your looks and your
body just like showing off how amazing
you are to the world and kind of
objectifying yourself and setting these
new unrealistic standards for women I
honestly I don't know where the
in-between is because I know from
personal experience it can be really
cool if you feel kick-ass to post a
picture of yourself or your body in
whatever way that you want to post it
but sometimes I worry that we don't ask
enough like who the [ __ ] told us that
the way to feel empowered is to put our
bodies online why do I feel the need to
look hot online as a way to empower
myself as a woman why is that a sense of
my self-worth to begin with to be honest
I don't think that that comes from my
inner feminist compass I think it
largely ties into this girlboss kind of
surface level feminism that a lot of
companies and market to us nowadays you
can be an amazing independent woman as
long as you buy our fashion and makeup
products and look a certain way it still
is largely about women's bodies and I
wish that I could find the same external
validation that I do when I look cute
and post it online as when I am feeling
really [ __ ] smart or really motivated
or really hard-working a certain day I
know that's just how social media works
it's a platform made up of pictures but
our system of social rewards is so
centered around looks nowadays I wish
that it wasn't but I also recognize
about same time like I I [ __ ] play
into that system I make money off of
that system I don't know how to contend
with that I guess that's why I'm like
making videos like these ones because
it's at least a little way that I can
deconstruct all this [ __ ] that I'm a
part of anyways here is my finished
makeup look
this is what my face looks like now
drink it in ladies I'm sorry I don't
have like a resounding concluding note
to this video because there really is no
five-step program for how to gain
self-confidence and I'm not even there
yet I'm not like some self-help guru who
has it all figured out but I hope it
helped you guys to at least hear about
my experiences and know that I struggle
with the same things that everybody does
I honestly hope that one day I'll be
able to tell my grandkids or like the
next-door neighbors that come to visit
me and my cats as an old lady this story
about how I felt so insecure about my
appearance and I felt the need to wear
makeup every day and girls in 2100 or
whatever will think that that's
absolutely crazy that women felt that
way and that society made us feel this
way but in the meantime self-confidence
is slowly but surely coming along we're
getting there I'm working on it and
that's the best I can ask for for now so
thank you guys so much for watching this
video I have been having so much fun
doing these like chatty Girl Talk videos
I feel like I have so many thoughts in
my brain other than like this is a cute
outfit that I like want to get out there
on the Internet and thank you for giving
me the platform to do that and for
hearing me out
as always I would love to hear your
guys's thoughts if you do have some keys
to self-confidence or things that you
struggled with yourself this is gonna
sound so self congratulatory but we have
a really cool comment section here and I
really enjoy hearing like all of your
guys's
conversation down below okay anyways
thank you guys so much for watching
[ __ ] I need to stop doing the peace
signs I'm 21 um I'll see you guys next
week bye