- LAST WEEK, DAVID LETTERMAN ANNOUNCED
THAT HE'S RETIRING.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS? audience: YES.
- BIG SHOCK. EVERYBODY HEARD THAT.
AND THEN I HEARD A RUMOR
THAT ONE OF THE PEOPLE BEING CONSIDERED
TO TAKE OVER THE "LATE SHOW" IS ME, AND...
[cheers and applause]
NO.
I AM FLATTERED, BUT I REALLY LOVE DOING MY DAYTIME SHOW.
THIS IS WHERE I...
[cheers and applause]
BELONG.
AND NIGHTTIME IS VERY DIFFERENT.
IT'S--THERE'S A LOT OF POLITICAL HUMOR,
WHICH I DON'T DO, BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW
IF YOU'RE GOOD AT SOMETHING UNTIL YOU TRY IT,
SO I'M GONNA SEE WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE
IF I DID DO A LATE SHOW.
AND SO I'M GONNA START OVER.
LET'S BRING OUT OUR ANNOUNCER. PAUL, COME ON OUT.
[cheers and applause]
[drumroll]
[cheers and applause]
- LIVE FROM BURBANK, CALIFORNIA,
HERE'S ELLEN DEGENERES!
[funky music]
- [singing] LET'S HAVE A LITTLE THING
TONIGHT
LET'S HAVE A LITTLE THING
TONIGHT
[cheers and applause]
YEAH, ON "ELLEN"
- AH.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I HAVEN'T HAD THAT MUCH TROUBLE COMING OUT SINCE 1997.
THAT WAS--OH. [drum flourish]
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT. THANK YOU, PAUL.
PAUL, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
- GOOD. WHOO. [keyboard flourish]
EXCELLENT.
- [chuckles]
JUST A LITTLE DITTY RIGHT THERE?
- YEAH, JUST THROWING IT OUT THERE.
- ALL RIGHT. WONDERFUL. WONDERFUL.
HEY, IT'S BEEN HOT IN L.A. THIS WEEK,
SO HOT, STEVEN TYLER ONLY WORE NINE SCARVES.
[drum flourish]
[laughter]
WELL, LET'S GET TO THE NEWS.
SO MUCH HAPPENING IN POLITICS RIGHT NOW.
EUROPE, ASIA, UM...
[laughter]
HILLARY CLINTON. AM I RIGHT?
I MEAN...
HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?
THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT 7 MILLION PEOPLE
HAVE SIGNED UP FOR COVERAGE UNDER OBAMACARE,
ALTHOUGH IF THEY REALLY WANT TO COVER PEOPLE,
THEY SHOULD MAKE HOSPITAL GOWNS THAT CLOSE IN THE BACK.
[laughter]
[drum flourish] - THAT'S GOOD.
- THANK YOU.
[laughter]
YEAH. HERE, THIS IS INTERESTING.
LAST MONTH, COLORADO MADE $3.5 MILLION
IN PROFIT FROM MARIJUANA, AND IF YOU ASK ME,
THAT NUMBER, JUST LIKE EVERYONE IN COLORADO,
IS SUPER HIGH.
[laughter]
[drum flourish]
YOU ALL RIGHT, PAUL? - OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT.
HEY, NOW IT'S TIME FOR ELLEN'S TOP 11 LIST.
- [singing] ELLEN'S TOP 11 LIST
- WHOO! - ALL RIGHT.
HEY, TONIGHT'S TOPIC IS TOP 11 FAVORITE PETS OF MINE.
PAUL, CAN WE HAVE A DRUMROLL PLEASE?
[drumroll]
[laughter]
ALL RIGHT, NUMBER ONE IS WOLF.
NUMBER TWO: MABEL.
NO, THAT'S MEAN.
I DON'T WANT TO HURT MABEL'S FEELINGS.
I'M GONNA SAY NUMBER ONE IS MABEL AND TWO IS WOLF.
OKAY. NUMBER THREE: CHARLIE.
NUMBER FOUR: AUGIE.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I FORGOT WHAT WOLF DID LAST NIGHT,
SO LET'S SWITCH HIM WITH AUGIE.
LET'S PUT...
BUT THEN ALL THE DOGS ARE UP TOP,
SO LET'S-- THAT'S NOT FAIR TO MY CATS.
LET'S PUT CHAIRMAN THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.
NEVER MIND. I AM NOT GONNA--
[crashing] OH.
[crashing continues]
[laughter and applause]
THERE WAS NO WINDOW.
[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU.
I'LL STICK TO DAYTIME FOR NOW.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO DAVID LETTERMAN
YOU ARE AN INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT AND CLEVER MAN.
I'VE BEEN A FAN. I'VE LOVED WATCHING YOU.
YOU'VE MADE US HAPPY FOR OVER 30 YEARS,
SO WHAT BETTER SONG TO DEDICATE TO YOU
THAN PHARRELL WILLIAMS' "HAPPY"?
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
- [singing] IT MIGHT SEEM CRAZY WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY
SUNSHINE, SHE'S HERE, YOU CAN TAKE A BREAK
I'M A HOT AIR BALLOON THAT CAN GO TO SPACE
WITH THE AIR
- [singing] LIKE I DON'T CARE, BABY, BY THE WAY
- YEAH.
[singing] BECAUSE I'M - [singing] HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL LIKE A ROOM WITHOUT A ROOF
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL LIKE HAPPINESS IS THE TRUTH
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS TO YOU
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL
LIKE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
MAKE SOME NOISE!
- [singing] HAPPY
[cheers and applause]
- [singing] CAN'T NOTHING - [singing] HAPPY
- [singing] BRING ME DOWN
MY LEVEL'S TOO HIGH
TO BRING ME DOWN
CAN'T NOTHING
WHAT? - [singing] HAPPY
audience: [singing] BRING ME DOWN
- HEY. - [singing] HAPPY.
- [singing] BRING ME DOWN
CAN'T NOTHING - [singing] HAPPY, HAPPY
- [singing] BRING ME DOWN - [singing] HAPPY
- [singing] HIS LEVEL'S TOO HIGH
TO BRING ME DOWN
CAN'T NOTHING - [singing] HAPPY, HAPPY
- [singing] BRING ME DOWN
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL LIKE A ROOM WITHOUT A ROOF
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL LIKE HAPPINESS IS THE TRUTH
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS TO YOU
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL
LIKE THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO DO
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL LIKE A ROOM WITHOUT A ROOF
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL LIKE HAPPINESS IS THE TRUTH
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS TO YOU
- [singing] BECAUSE I'M HAPPY
- [singing] CLAP ALONG IF YOU FEEL
LIKE THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
[cheers and applause]