hey there everybody and welcome to this presentation on authenticity this is part
of the cognitive behavioral therapy nugget series and i'm your host dr dawn elise snipes
authenticity really means very basically being true to yourself being
authentic we often become inauthentic because we're either trying to get other people's approval
we fear being rejected or cancelled or we're just operating on autopilot we're not being mindful
and when we're not mindful we don't notice or really realize what we need so it's hard to be
authentic the first step to becoming more authentic is to develop your self-esteem
and let go of the need for other people's approval when you're inauthentic when you're being a
chameleon you're trying to be what you think other people want you to be they're not approving of
you they're only approving of the facade that you're putting forth so if you want to be accepted
for who you are it's important to learn how to become authentic and i'll give you two different
analogies here chocolate chip cookies this is my favorite because i love chocolate chip cookies
but chocolate chip cookies are made with chocolate which is very good on its own thank you very much
you most of us can eat chocolate just right out of the bag sugar cookies
they're very good on their own thank you very much sugar cookies don't try to be chocolate chocolate
doesn't try to be a sugar cookie they rip they recognize if they were able to think that they
are good on their own they are valuable they are lovable they are yummy
as they are they don't need to be anything for anybody else except for who they are
so thinking of yourself as chocolate chip cookies now when chocolate chip
cookies and sugar cookies are put together they synergize and they make something that is like
immensely wonderful but they don't compromise what they are the chocolate still remains chocolate and
the sugar cookie still remains sugar cookie okay so authenticity means being what you
are and recognizing what you bring and how you enhance all of the things that you interact with
another example uh comes from scripture if you want to look at 1 corinthians 12 through 27
where um paul is talking about how we are all parts of one body an eye sees hands work you know
the eye wouldn't try to be a hand and the hand wouldn't try to be an eye the hand wouldn't try to
see in order for the body to function it's important that all of the different parts exist
and if we if we were all made up of just only eyes not only would that look weird but we wouldn't be
able to do a lot of things authenticity means embracing what you are and what you bring and
how you are integral to the whole whether it's the whole of your community the whole of your family
the whole of your your workplace what is it that you bring and how do you contribute
with authenticity start by becoming mindful of your thoughts feelings and needs and then
act in accordance with them instead of how you think others want you to act so the first step
is becoming mindful you can't be authentic until you know what your thoughts wants and needs are
but once you know what they are instead of keeping them locked up here in your head say okay now how
can i meet those needs let me live authentically let me share my thoughts and my feelings and
do what i need to do to get my needs met now that's a radical thought for a lot of people
explore as you become more mindful explore what you truly want and believe when you start shooting
yourself or thinking this needs to be this way ask yourself who says is that something that your
caregivers taught you is that something that your teachers taught you is that something that the
media taught you okay and if so you know wherever it came from do you believe it is this something
that you embrace and you hold is true if it is great if it's not what do you believe instead
as you become more mindful and start realizing what you truly want and believe
you're going to notice that you are different probably from the person that you have
presented to the public and before you start you know be becoming radically authentic with
every anybody and everybody it's important to
separate approval or disapproval of your behaviors or opinions from approval or disapproval of you
some people may not approve of some of the behaviors that you do for example
my daughter is a what i call an ethical vegetarian she doesn't eat meat not because
for health reasons but because she doesn't believe that we should kill animals and she doesn't
believe we should eat animals she disagrees with my behaviors of you know sometimes eating meat
it doesn't mean that she disapproves of me as a human she just really doesn't like that behavior
and it's important to separate the difference you're not always going to share the same opinions
you're not always going to think do the same things the same way
and that's okay respecting people's right to think feel and behave in ways that are
authentic to themselves as long as they don't violate your boundaries is really important
explore and address your fears related to being authentic what would happen if you told somebody
you told your best friend what you actually thought or you gave your true opinion about
something yeah what are your fears and what do you need to do so you can feel safe being authentic
which takes us to the next one practice being assertive and sharing with safe others first
part of being authentic means being assertive authenticity means recognizing your thoughts
wants and needs and communicating them in a way that lets people know what you think feel and need
it doesn't violate their boundaries you're being assertive but it also
lets people know where you stand so they're not violating your boundaries it's a very healthy
place to be but it requires assertiveness and i say share with safe others first start
low and slow you know share something that's not too personal not too uh
too much of a sensitive topic for you with your best friend or with a family
member that you think is safe that won't react very uh extremely to your
thoughts wants and needs once you get comfortable doing that and you've started developing a
uh circle of supportive people who are willing and able to allow you to be authentic even if
they disagree they're willing and able to allow you to be who you are
that's great that's your that's your support system that's your circle
recognize that radical authenticity may not be appropriate in all situations you know if you're
at work sometimes you may think something or you know feel feel a particular way about something
but because it's a work situation it may not be the appropriate time or place to be
radically authentic you know there were times at one of the places that i worked that i would have
very strong feelings about something but there was a time and a place and generally it was when i had
my weekly supervision with my boss and he was wonderful about allowing us to be very authentic
in his office you know we wouldn't start spouting our frustrations in the middle of
the hallway we would wait till we had supervision and then we could tell him exactly how we felt
and he may not agree he may not be able to do anything about it but he would acknowledge our
thoughts our feelings and our needs encourage others to also be authentic and appropriately
authentic you know whether it's your kids or your friends or your family members um
when you ask them something even simple things like what do you want for dinner or
what did you think about that movie encourage authenticity so they can get used to being
open to sharing their thoughts wants and needs in a safe environment
as you become more mindful you'll become more aware of your thoughts wants and needs
authenticity means moving from just being aware of those things to actually acting in a way that's
true to yourself being responsive being authentic can be very scary at first and it's often not
advisable to suddenly start practicing radical authenticity and just bearing your thoughts wants
and needs to everybody that that is really not advisable because it does make you very vulnerable
start by developing your self-esteem so if people get upset about your opinions for example that
their rejection of your opinion is not devastating to you and you start separating rejection of your
opinion from rejection of you because you're a person your opinion is something out here
develop safe social support start developing people relationships with people with whom you
can be authentic they again they may not agree with everything you think or need or do but they
are willing to love you for who you are and be supportive of you without trying
to violate your boundaries and tell you what they think you should think or feel
start slowly because being authentic can also make you feel and be a lot more vulnerable so
dip your toe in don't just jump into the pool of authenticity dip your toe in a little bit get used
to it and then you can gradually start becoming more authentic with a greater variety of people
as you start to become more authentic notice how it impacts your mental and physical health
as you actually start acknowledging your thoughts and your feelings and meeting your own needs
how does that impact your mental and physical health