-Here at "Late Night" every night,
I deliver a monologue made up of jokes
written by diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight white male,
would be difficult for me to deliver,
but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them,
so we'd like to share them with you now
in a segment called "Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, everybody, these are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny.
-I'm Black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women. -And I'm not.
So here's how it works.
I'll read the setups for these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
A new reality show on Amazon Prime Video
explores the personal lives of 12 lesbians.
-12 lesbians, or as it's more commonly known, a lacrosse team.
[ Laughter ]
-Confederate General Robert E. Lee's childhood home
is currently up for sale for nearly $6 million.
-If you're wondering why it's so expensive,
they're all master bathrooms.
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience groans ]
-Spain -- [ Laughter ]
Spain recently passed a law
granting free fertility treatments to queer women.
-Queer women, or as they're called in Spain, "lethbians."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Now, Jenny, you speak Spanish. Can you use that in a sentence?
-Sure.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-This year, a new app has been launched to help parents
find African-American Santas, called Find Black Santa.
-Or as racists call it, "Get Black Santa!"
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, Amber, what's the difference between
White Santa and Black Santa?
-Well, White Santa asks you what you want,
and Black Santa says, "You get what you get."
[ Laughter ]
-During a recent event, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un
reportedly wore sandals with socks.
-Said lesbians, "So, the event was black-tie?"
[ Laughter ]
-The U.S. Treasury announced that in 2022,
Maya Angelou will appear on the U.S. quarter.
-Which is nice, because if there's one thing
Maya Angelou always cared about, it was cold, hard cash.
[ Laughter ]
-Did she? -Yeah, remember her famous
quote, [ As Angelou ] "Bubble hard in the double R,
flash the rings.
With the window cracked, hollah back,
money ain't a thing."
[ Laughter ]
-I do remember it now.
When you did it with -- I do remember it.
[ Laughter ]
-It's the oldest rap of all time.
[ Laughter ]
-A new movie opened last week about a lesbian nun.
-A lesbian nun, or as they're known
in the Catholic church, a nun.
[ Laughter ]
-The makers of Kool-Aid recently recall the beverage
because it might contain pieces of metal and glass.
-Said Black people, "But also some Kool-Aid, right?"
[ Laughter ]
-According to meteorologists, this past summer in California
was the driest on record since 1985.
-While the driest summer in New York
was the one when I dated men.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey! Hey, Seth Meyers, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I absolutely couldn't.
I assure you ladies I should not.
-What about just one? -Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Chinese officials recently announced that they supplied
their space station with menstrual products
for a female astronaut,
you know, in case she's visiting the red planet.
[ Laughter ]
-How dare you!
-You told me it would be okay!
-You should be ashamed of yourself!
-Black women and lesbians are liars!
[ Laughter and applause ]