Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Sick bastards who want to be Gothic.’
Generally we don’t review stuff post 1990,
but one of our Patreon supporters asked for Avia Vampire Hunter and we love our Patreons,
‘Alright, let’s do this.’
Not always sure they love us.
Another thing we don’t usually review is films shot like a home video,
#Wierd generic dream music#
"low budget" doesn’t begin,
but the good news is what matters in any movie is the words in the script,
and they’re free, so while your film may look lousy it doesn’t have to be lousy.
Although is a little worrying that the opening credits mis-spel screenplay, editor, assistant
and the name of actor Rodney Jackson.
‘I’m Avia Richards, I'm going to help you catch your recent serial killer.'
the mysterious Avia Richards shows up at a murder scene and joins the cops following a lead,
turns out, Avia’s a vampire hunter,
with a tragic backstory,
‘My family’s bodies were never found’
I don’t know if the cameraman accidentally hit zoom or thought a lip close up added to the tragedy.
Avia hooks up with cop Raymond.
Tip for low budget filmmakers; love scenes and action scenes – just don’t.
Then it’s back to work for Avia; hunting,
the skull in the middle doesn’t look quite right to me,
training beside a kids’ playground.
and cleaning her sword with a pine based solution,
‘When I slay the vampire, pine will set off an allergic reaction.’
Adding hay fever to the perils of death.
Oddly, she hunts almost exclusively by day but only encounters vampires by night,
#vampire growl?#
or at least day for night.
The blind twig finger vampires actually look alright,
but there’s another issue,
continuity is always difficult in outdoor shooting because of changing light
but when you change the filter between shots that’s on you.
Then there’s the skull-face vampire,
again, looks alright, then he starts to move…
and all I can hear is the monster mash.
The vampires come in all shapes and sizes.
‘A fat vampire’
‘You think that’s funny?’
Vampire obesity is a serious problem.
Although in the event, the budget didn’t stretch to fat actor.
I’m not going to pretend budget isn’t a constant issue,
every character apparently had the same interior decorator who just said..
‘staple up some black drapes, you’ll thank me later.’
'If you check up on me, you will just find a dead end in my favour.'
and who also did this "restaurant."
'Can I get you a drink?'
The background noise varies wildly between shots and the sound of a sword slicing a spider web.
#Swooosh#
I mean I don’t know what that sounds like but… not that.
The music is excellent but seldom fits the scene,
#Super overdramatic orchestral music#
and doesn’t have the cohesion of a score because it comes from 20 different places,
as you may spot in the credits.
But even if we cut them some slack because they had no money, there’s still the story.
'Sounds kinda of hopeless.'
There isn’t one. Not really, it just alternates badly staged fights,
with a badly written relationship.
'I know I told you this before, but I've never met anyone like you.'
How sweet,
‘Just meet me here in 30 days.’
But less than two minutes later.
'I've found a few hotspots.'
When someone says meet me in 30 days you assume they’re going someplace –
the same assumption I made about the plot.
But then we get a disturbing flashback…
as Avia goes all Kill Bill on an innocent family.
and…
‘Avia Richards is wanted for murder.’
Wow, I want to know more,
‘How she got out, I don’t know; how she gets money for equipment, I don’t know; why she’s not on the FBI’s most wanted list, I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers yet.’
Something of an understatement but the headline is,
‘In her mind she’s killing bloodsucking creatures, vampires, but in reality its innocent people she’s killing.’
we have a plot.
Raymond confronts Avia.
‘There’s no vampires it’s all in your head’
but…
she races off to face the big bad,
whose location she has suddenly pin-pointed, by drawing Wallace and Gromit’s rocket ship on a map.
He seems to live in a hotel.
Although once she enters a room.
Even the hotel uses that interior decorator
and Avia faces off with garden rake Wolverine,
whose only vulnerability is someone sticking a sword under his arm,
Don’t draw attention to it.
So the big bad vampire is dead, but was it even real?
And what now for Avia; still wanted for murder?
Last time we saw them he accused her of murder and she punched him in the face,
and we still don’t know why Avia killed that family.
The only explanation we get is...
‘Perhaps I’m crazy. Perhaps I’m killing innocent people.’
Well, accepting you have a problem is the first step.
‘But the fact is that I am Avia vampire hunter and I will not stop.’
That is not the second. Raymond’s okay with this?
What sort of ending is that?
Also, am I only one who thought her missing family would pay off?
‘I think that’d be a good idea’
I’m sorry if you feel like we’re picking on someone just cos they had no money but… script.
Thanks for watching. If you’d like to force us to review a film, join us on Patreon as a Shadow.
What are the zero budget masterpieces, the films that got it right? Let us know in the comments below.