Someone told me I haven't seen you in a year,
but it doesn't feel like it's been a year.
I know, and Happy belated birthday.
Thanks!
I missed your birthday.
I haven't seen her all year.
I missed your birthday.
I missed Easter, all the goodies.
You missed all the holidays because Easter,
we did a big blowout.
I had ears on.
I was just waiting.
But, yeah, it's been a--
You're coming to my birthday party
that will be after my birthday.
We're moving it further since everyone's all over the place,
but you're coming.
I am coming.
Yes.
And I feel I may need to document.
If I were going to give a piece of documentation to Ellen,
I think it's--
"Dear Ellen, I want to apologize to you in advance,
or what I like to call a pre-apology, for my behavior
and if I dance challenge you.
And I will replenish the liquor I drink,
but a chest bump probably is coming at you.
And I'm sorry, but happy birthday."
[APPLAUSE]
That's for later.
That's for later?
All right.
I accept.
In a big dance situation, I get dance competitive.
Really?
I'm not proud of it, but I'm just--
I want you to be able to watch that later, and be like, hey,
she did see you apologize.
She said she was going to do it, yeah.
I can't wait.
I'm excited for the dance challenge and the chest bump.
Yeah, and I'm always like, I'm not going to do it,
I'm not going to do it.
And then I--
I get too excited, and I will chest bump people.
And it's like, I've got no business--
I'm short, I should not be throwing this around.
You hit people like around there.
I'm never at the right height.
It's like, ooh, that's not a good-- it's never
where I'm like, chest to chest.
It's like chest to belt. So it's not good.
Are you good-- do you like big crowds?
Do you like parties?
The reason I ask is I think most people who are in this business
are shy most of the time, unless we're
in an environment that we--
Yeah, or if you're in disguise.
Oh.
I went and shot something.
I was eight months pregnant, I had a wig on,
it was very straight.
I was very eccentric looking, and we went to a club,
so nobody knew it was me, and I danced as hard
as I could dance.
Because I was like, nobody knows it's me,
nobody knows if I was human.
But I got in the middle of like a huge dance floor
and danced hard.
At a club.
Eight months pregnant.
Which child was that?
It was Viv.
That's why.
That was Vivian.
That's the reason, for Viv.
Sorry about that, Viv.
Is she the one that has all the weird scenarios in her head?
No, no, the one that's always like when they come for us.
Viv is now-- that's the little one who now just keeps wearing
like a full--
she tries to go right down the stairs and out the door.
And I'm like, ah, ah, ah, wait.
Full face of makeup, shirt in a ponytail holder,
and a heeled boot, and she's like, what?
I'm like, go back upstairs and stop going into my makeup,
and untie your shirt, and go put on a skirt over your leggings.
And she's like, I don't even have anything on.
And it's like kabuki red lips.
It's like Instagram cheekbones.
And I'm like, go upstairs.
You're seven.
I'm seven?
Yes.
But it's like--
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I don't mind if she wants to paint like crazy stripes,
or do something "non makeup-y," and I'd
be like, yeah, sure, go ahead.
But if it gets "makeup-y" I'm like, no.
The stories I've heard about her, about like the plan for--
Armageddon?
Yeah.
She plans for Armageddon, and Vivi just
keeps drawing blueprints.
And like Ben walked in, and Viv and I were trying out
a new bedspread I got, and Viv's like,
I just think it might compete with the headboard.
And I literally got weird goosebumps--
That's really sweet.
And I was like--
Ben just turned around.
He goes, oh, my god, I can't have two of you.
And I literally rushed.
And I was like, this must be what
a Texas dad feels like when his boy plays quarterback.
I literally was like, you [INAUDIBLE]..
You can't put indigo and paint splatter together.
You can't.
You're right.
And Ben was like, gah.
That is so great.
Ben just ran out to the backyard,
like I have no chance.
Yeah, you and I have that same thing in common,
that we love interior design.
So she wants to do blueprints and just sit around,
and-- well, your stuff is so crazy beautiful.
No, that's-- she's going to be an architect.
That'll be amazing.
I would love it.