Item #: SCP-420-J
Object Class: Awesome!
Hey man, that’s not a real class! You gotta make it Safe or somethin'.
—Dr. M████
Oh yeah, you’re right, man, it’s totally safe. —Dr. C████
Object Class: Awesome! Totally Safe
Special Containment Procedures: We keep it down in Room ███ in the basement of
Building ██ at Site-██. The password is ███████.
What are you doin’, man? You can’t just tell everyone where we keep the ████, ‘cos
then everyone’s gonna wanna come and get some. —Dr. M████
Hey, you can’t say ████ in the articles, man. Oh. Oh ████. —Dr. C████
Description: OK, so I got this stuff when we were down in Jamaica, really strong stuff,
with lotsa blue and red mixed in it… good ████, man. Me and M████, we
were smokin’ that stuff down there, with █████ and Skinny ████, when
M████ says, he says to me, “Hey, man, we should take this stuff back and send
it through… that… machine thing that changes things and makes things better.” And I said
that was an excellent idea, and so we did.
Man, we tried it on Very Fine first, and whoa, we were laughin' for weeks. Sucks what happened
to ███████████. Still funny as ████, though. —Dr. M████
So we get this really great ████ out of the machine, and me and M████ try
it out, and we’re like, whoa, man, that is some excellent ████. But then we
used it all up and didn’t have anything left but the seeds, and we figured we couldn’t
just get rid of them, so we decided to plant them and grow them, and then M████
was like, “Hey, man, what about that dirt that makes ████ grow real fast?”
And I said that was an excellent idea, so we went and got some dirt, and planted the
seeds in it, and oh wow, man, that is some excellent ████.
Experiment Log
Test One
We should give some of this ████ to that… big lizard… thing. It'll totally
mellow him. —Dr. C████
Yeah, man, but what if he gets the munchies? —Dr. M████
Test Two
Man, I gave some of this ████ to Josie, and she chased her tail for, like, two hours.
—Dr. C████
Note: Animal testing of SCP-420-J is no longer allowed. Junior researcher R██████
has been identified in security footage, fleeing Site-██ in a stolen maintenance vehicle
with an SCP-420-J affected canine. Further research pending.
-Director Jones
Test Three
We should totally give some of this ████ to Iris, man! —Dr. C████
Man, quit tryin' to get laid with that ████! —Dr. M████
Test Four
Oh, man, let's give some of this ████ to oh what's his face… that kickass guy. —Dr.
C████
How i^#$@%I say, gentlemen, your SCP-420-J certainly causes one to experience the most
extraordinary of sensations. This, sirs, is indeed quite excellent ████.@&$%^do
that? —Dr. M████
Test Five
Hey, man, what if we gave some of this ████ to that freaky statue thing? —Dr. C████
Why, man? He's, like, already stoned. —Dr. M████
Disciplinary Review
Upon discovery of this extremely unprofessional behavior, all remaining samples of SCP-420-J
have been confiscated.
- Dr. Clef
Addendum
Can anyone tell me why Dr. Clef just walked in here demanding stir-fried noodles, pizza,
corn chips, and dark chocolate? He was smiling too, what the fuck?
- Cafeteria Staff
Addendum 2
Aw, ████, man, he even took the stash of seeds in my ████. —Dr. C████
'Salright, man, I know a guy in T██████. —Dr. M████
Addendum 3
Where can I score some of this ████? —Dr. Fredericks
Addendum 4
See also Extended SCP-420-J Experiment Log.
Extended SCP-420-J Experiment Log
Yeah, so, remember a while back when me and M████, we got hold of that excellent
████, and we were like, whoa, holy ████, that is excellent, and then
we shared some of the ████ we had? Well, M████'s like, dude, we should
do that again, and I'm like, yeah, man, we totally should, and so we did.
Test One
Hey man, you already used that one in the last thing! —Dr. M████
Oh yeah. Hold on, lemme count…. —Dr. C████
Test One Test A Billion
What the… man, you can't count that high! Fix that ████! —Dr. M████
Test One Test A Billion
Hey man, I gave some of this ████ to that dude with the arm. —Dr. M████
Did he like it, man? —Dr. C████
I think so, man, he gave me a thumb's up. —Dr. M████
Transcript SCP-1193-2-WDY-4:
Dr. Ernest: Hello, who is calling please? SCP-1193-01: Duuuuude!
Dr. Ernest: I'm sorry? SCP-1193-01: Oh my god, man, it's just…
duuuuuude! Dr. Ernest: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
What are you talking about? SCP-1193-01: Dude, this ████ is excellent,
man! Dr. Ernest: What's, um, this ████ you're
talking about? SCP-1193-01: Oh, ████, sorry man,
gotta go, Dave's here. CALL TERMINATED
Test B
I gave some of this ████ to those hot catgirl chicks, man! —Dr. C████
I told you, man, quit tryin' to get laid with that ████! Besides, man, they can
totally kick your ass all the way back to LA! —Dr. M████
I know, man, they totally did. Totally worth it, though, man. These chicks really know
how to get spaced out! —Dr. C████
Test C
What if we give some of this ████ to that dude who doesn't like anybody? Maybe
it'll mellow him out some. —Dr. M████
GO AWAY, MONKEY MAN, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS ████ —SCP-1171-1
Dude, that ████ worked! —Dr. C████
Test D
Hey man, what happened when you gave that ████ to that basketball game? —Dr.
M████
Oh wow, man, it turned into a Dead show! —Dr. C████
Aw, ████ yeah, man, was Jerry there? —Dr. M████
Yeah, man, he looked pretty good too, for, you know, bein' dead and all. —Dr. C████
Test E
Hey man, let's give some of this ████ to that weird clown guy. —Dr. C████
I dunno, man, clowns are some scary ████. —Dr. M████
Don't worry, man, it'll be cool. —Dr. C████
Incident CN-0993-Q: On 04/08/16, a new episode of "Bobble the Clown" was intercepted.
Episode Name: "Bobble Gets Baked" Episode Description: The episode begins with
Bobble the Clown sitting on a couch smoking a comically-oversized marijuana cigarette.
Instead of the typical clown outfit, Bobble is wearing a Bob Marley t-shirt, a gray hoodie,
and pajama bottoms decorated with marijuana leaves. The rest of Bobble's costume— hat,
wig, makeup, nose, gloves, and shoes— are as typical. The episode is divided into three
segments: "How To Roll the Perfect Doobie", "How To Make a Bong Out of Found Materials",
and "How To Take Over the Regional Black Market Drug Trade With Ruthless Efficiency". The
last segment is by far the longest, and ends with a six-plus-minute montage of Bobble the
Clown gunning down drug rivals using a wide variety of powerful firearms.
I told you clowns are scary as ████! —Dr. M████
Yeah, man, totally. But that clown knows his ████. —Dr. C████
Test F
Man, I tried to give some of this ████ to that old dude who keeps gettin' cut up, but
he just said No. —Dr. M████
Test G
Hey man, we should give some of this ████ to that guy… oh what's his name…? Oh yeah,
Spanky! —Dr. M████
Incident DK-2337-48L: On 04/17/16, at 23:35, an excessive auditory event occurred in Interview
Room 19 at Site-17. Sound pressure measurements estimate loudness in excess of 120 dB within
ten meters of Interview Room 19, setting off seismic detectors around the site. Witnesses
describe the sound as "like a hacking cough, except cacking".
Dude. Cack, man. Just… cack. —Dr. M████
Whoa. That's some deep ████, man. —Dr. C████
Test H
Yeah man, so I was looking for a place to light up, without any people around, so I
went out on this staircase, and it looked all right, quiet, no one around… but then
all this freaky ████ started happenin', and I got out of there, man, but I must have
dropped my joint back there somewhere. I just lost my ████, man. —Dr. C████
Image Captured 04/22/2016 @ 16:48:
Yeah, we're done here.