There's a lot of things that we can say that are not helpful, that are bad, that are damaging.
What is the most psychologically damaging thing that you can say to a child? before
I get to the most psychologically damaging thing you could say to a child, we're going
to cover a number of things that are not the most psychologically damaging thing that things
you ought to probably watch out for.
My editor told me to always avoid and to always never to use the word never.
These words are psychologically damaging to children.
Especially when we put the word you in front of either always or never.
First of all, it's never true.
It's always a misrepresentation.
When we say "You always do this.
You never do this."
It's not even true.
And it goes against what we want.
If you want your child to keep his room clean, do not suggest to him that he never does it.
It's psychologically damaging.
But that's not the most psychologically damaging thing.
Maybe it's this one.
"Now, what did you do?"
Does that ever come out of your mouth as a parent?
Like you're expecting your child to misbehave?
And when they do, you just reinforce it with, "Okay, now, what did you do?
Like.
you're always doing these kinds of things."
Oh, I just combined those 2, didn't I?
Maybe that makes it more psychologically damaging.
that maybe the most psychologically damaging thing you could say to your child.
I don't think so.
There's more.
How about this one?
This got to be it.
"You're so stupid.
You are dumb.
What is wrong with you?"
Oh, yeah.
Those have got to be the most psychologically damaging.
Because that implies that this child is broken.
Or that they don't have the mental ware with all to learn what they need to learn in this
world.
Telling them that they're dumb, that they're stupid.
You know what?
As I go through this list, I hope you see very clearly that these are psychologically
damaging things that we could say to our children.
But they're not the most psychologically damaging.
How about this one?
This one might come up when we feel frustrated, when we feel overwhelmed.
When we've been so consumed with taking care of these kids that we finally say, "I never
should have kids in the first place!"
Oh, yeah.
That could be very psychologically damaging, couldn't it?
That we're implying that they have ruined our life.
that somehow this is all about us.
And that they are just an annoyance and inconvenience.
Yeah, that's going to be very psychologically damaging.
But it's not the most psychologically damaging thing you could say to your child.
We're not there yet.
Hmmm...
How about the lies?
How about lies?
That not out right blatant lies.
Like little white lies.
Like, "Oh, don't worry.
Nothing bad is going to happen."
Yeah, that's a lie.
You don't know.
And what's going to happen when they find out that bad things happen?
I say bad things, I mean painful, difficult, hard things that show up in life.
It's part of life.
We tend to do this about the things that are little hard for us to accept even.
The harsh realities of life.
Like when our children become aware that death is a real thing.
And they start to worry.
"Oh, what about...
What if you die mom?"
And you tell them a lie.
"Oh, I'm not going to die, silly.
Quit worrying about it."
Yes, you are.
I'm sorry to break it to you.
Nobody gets out of this alive.
We tell little white lies to our children, don't we?
As if they couldn't handle the truth.
You know what?
Their imaginations are probably worst than the truth.
And it's okay to tell them the truth.
Telling these little white lies might be the most psychologically damaging thing we can
do to our kids.
But probably not.
How about those little things that we say?
That imply that they're not quite who they should be?
Like this one: "I wish you were..."
Fill in the blanks.
"I wish you were more like your brother.
I wish you were nicer.
I wish you were more obedient."
Now we say those things as parents, right?
Implying that our kids are not good enough the way that they are.
Implying that they aren't the way that they should be.
Yeah, that could be.
That could be the most psychologically damaging thing that we could say to our kids.
Now, there's one more.
Here it is.
This is the one that I feel is in fact, the most psychologically damaging that we can
say to our kids.
"You can't," And what ever we follow with "You can't handle it.
You can't do this.
You can't be."
I think that one's it.
First of all it's not true.
Second of all, what a limiting belief.
Sometimes we believe this as parents.
"Oh, I can't handle this."
Really?
Did you know that there is one belief at the root of every fear?
And fear get's in our way more than anything else on this planet.
And that one belief at the root of every fear is "I can't."
"I can't handle this.
I can't do this.
I can't... can't, can't."
And it changes something in our brain and paralyze us from finding ways to do it.
To handle it.
"I can't handle it."
Really?
Notice this: You have 100% track record so far.
You have already handled absolutely everything that has happened so far your entire life.
Haven't you?
And some people respond me.
They say, "Yeah, Dr. Paul.
But I don't think I handled it very well."
Well, you did the best thing you knew how to do at the time with the resources that
you had.
Why would that ever change?
And when we teach our children that they can handle anything, fear disappears.
And it opens up possibilities for them to find ways, to cope and to adapt and to innovate.
And to create and to become.
The beautiful, powerful people that they are uniquely designed to be.
I honestly feel that that is the most psychologically damaging thing we can ever say to our child.
"You can't."
You can as well.
As a parent, you've got what it takes.
And to help you with that, we've got this channel.
The positive parenting playlist.
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Click to it right over there or down in the description.
You have what it takes.
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