>> Stephen: HEY, Y'ALL, I'M NOT SURE IF YOU ARE FAMILIAR BUT
IT'S ALREADY NOVEMBER 23rd.
WHICH MEANS WE'RE ONLY THREE DAYS AWAY FROM THANGSZ GIVING.
THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THE HOST IS ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF, AND
THAT'S THE TURKEY.
YOU GOT TO GET UP BEFORE DAWN TO DE-BRINE IT, GIVE IT A DEEP
SENSE YUS BUTTER SHIATSU AND REMEMBER IF YOU PUT THE STUFFING
INSIDE THE BIRD THERE IS A RISK OF SALMONELLA SO SO REMEMBER PUT
THE STUFFING INSIDE THE BIRD.
THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED STUFFING.
ROLL THE BONES, LIVE ON A HIGH WIRE.
STUFFING ON THE SIDE IS NOT STUFFING, UNLESS IT'S STOF TOP
STUFFING, ONE OF OUR SPONSORS.
STOVE TOP, EAT IT.
AND I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS THANKSGIVING I'M FEELING A
LITTLE BETRAYED BECAUSE IT HAS JUST BEEN REVEALED THAT THE
GROTION REE STORE LABELS ON THE TURKEY MEAN VERY LITTLE.
FRESH, YOUNG, NATURAL, MEANINGLESS.
BY THE WAY, I GOGGLED FRERN, YOUNG, NATURAL-- FRESH, YOUNG,
NATURAL AND I-- I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE AT CBS
HUMAN RESOURCES.
I UNDERSTAND THAT I VIOLATED COMPANY POLICY AND IT WILL NOT
HAPPEN AGAIN.
APPARENTLY FRESH TURKEY JUST MEANS IT'S NOT FULLY FROZEN.
YOUNG TURKEY MEANS THEY WEREN'T ALLOWED TO DIE OF OLD AGE.
NATURAL TURKEY HAS THE SAME LEGAL STANDING AS CHEEZ WITH TWO
Es AND A Zs AND WILD TURKEY MEANS YOU'RE TOO DRUNK TO CARE
ANY MORE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THE POINT IS IT SEEMS LIKE THE
ONLY ONES YOU CAN TRUST THESE DAYS ARE THE GOOD PEOPLE AT
BUTTERBALL.
THEY'RE ALL ABOUT HELPING YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR TURKEY.
IN FACT, BUTTERBALL'S BEEN RUNNING A TOLL FREE HOTLINE FOR
TURKEY-COOKING TIPS SINCE 1981.
THE MOST COMMONLY ASKED QUESTION, HOW DO I THA-W MY
TURKEY?
OF COURSE BACK IN 1981 THE ANSWER WAS WITH A PAIR OF LEG
WARMERS.
(LAUGHTER) EVERY YEAR THE TURKEY TALK LINE
RECEIVES MORE THAN 100,000 PHONE CALLS, BUT SADLY, THEY HAVE NOT
ONCE BEEN ABLE TO SAVE THE TURKEY'S LIFE.
(LAUGHTER) AND WHILE THE HOTLINE OPENS ON
NOVEMBER 2nd, NOT SURPRISINGLY THE VOLUME PEAKS ON
THANKSGIVING DAYMENT SO RIGHT NOW, BUTTERBALL IS PAYING TURKEY
EXPERTS TO SIT BY THE PHONE.
BUT NO ONE IS CALLING.
SO TO GIVE THOSE NICE TALK LINE OPERATORS SOMETHING TO DO, THIS
MORNING I CALLED THE BUTTERBALL HOTLINE.
(APPLAUSE) AND I ASKED THEM SOME OF THE
URGENT TURKEY QUESTIONS ON MY MIND.
THIS IS.
>> THE LATE SHOW PRESENTS THANKSGIVING TURKEY TIPS WITH
OUR FRIENDS AT BUTTERBALL.
FIRST THING'S FIRST.
I CALLED THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY TIP HOTLINE.
>> BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK LINE, NICOLE SPEAK, HOW CAN I HELP
YOU.
>> Stephen: HEY, NICOLE, THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT FROM THE LATE
SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> WELL, HI, STEPHEN, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
>> Stephen: I'M DOING FINE, HOW ARE YOU, NICOLE.
>> WE ARE FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT MY TURKEY, COULD YOU HELP
ME WITH THAT?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO THA-W THIS THING OUT.
>> GREAT QUESTION.
THAT IS THE NUMBER ONE QUESTION WE GET YEAR AFTER YEAR.
>> Stephen: I GOT MINE IN THE GARAGE IN A HEFTY BAG AND I
POURED IT IN A JUG OF ANTIFREEZE.
>> OH PIE GOODNESS, YOU KNOW, WE DON'T RECOMMEND THAT.
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.
>> ALL RIGHT, THANKS, STEPHEN, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: BYE, YOU TOO.
HI, TURKEY TALK LINE, WHO IS THIS?
>> THIS IS CHEF TONY, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
>> Stephen: IS THAT YOUR NAME OR IS CHEF YOUR TIGHT EL.
>> CHEF'S MY TITLE AND TONY IS MY FIRST NAME, YES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU, TONY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I GOT A NEPHEW WHO WANTS ME TO TAKE TOFU RKEY THIS
YEAR, WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO LET HIM KNOW HE'S NO LONGER
WELCOME IN MY HOUSE.
>> HE WANTS TO DO A VEGAN STYLE TURKEY.
>> Stephen: HE DOES.
>> THAT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO DO.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE THERE, ARE YOU ALL IN
THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER?
>> WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM THERE ARE FIVE OF US.
>> Stephen: TONY, IF YOU ARE BEING HELD AGAINST YOUR WILL,
JUST SAY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND, LOUD AND CLEAR, WE'RE GOING TO GET SOMEONE TO
YOU RIGHT AWAY.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE, TONY, DON'T GO, STAY STRONG.
>> BUTTERBALL TURKEY HOTLINE, THIS IS JANET.
>> Stephen: JANET.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HI, I PLAN TO SERVE MY TURKEY WITH SOME
CRANBERRY SAUCE WHICH I LIKE WITH A HINT OF ORANGE GLES AND
RED WIEFNLT THE THING IS MY KIDS LIKE IT PLAIN.
SO SHOULD I SERVE BOTH KINDS OR SHOULD I LEAVE MY FAMILY AND
MOVE TO BARCELONA AND PURSUE MY DREAM OF BEING A DANCER.
>> I WOULD PROBABLY START WITH LEAVING THE WINE OUT OF
CRANBERRY FIRST AND GO AHEAD AND ADD THAT LATER.
>> Stephen: SO SERVE IT WITHOUT THE WINE TO THE KIDS AND
ADD IT FOR ME.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: WITH THE WINE UH-HUH.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: I LIKE TO TACK A PACKET OF ORANGE LIMB-U M-AID
AND POUR IT UP UP SID DOWN AND POUR IT IN A POT ELF PINOT GRIJ
YO AND PUT A NIPPLE ON IT AND CRAWL INTO A CORNER.
>> YOU KNOW, WHATEVER WORKS.
>> Stephen: HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU TOO.
>> HI THIS IS THE TURKEY TALK LINE, HOW CAN I HELP YOU.
>> Stephen: FILLIST.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IT IS STEPHEN COLBERT FROM THE LATE SHOW.
>> HOW ARE YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M DOING FINE, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
>> WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
WE'RE TALKING TURKEY HERE.
>> Stephen: LET'S TALK TURKEY.
HERE IS HOW I PREPARE MY TURKEY.
I HAVE DEEP UNRESOLVED FEELINGS OF RAGE.
AND I, THEY COME OUT WHEN I-BASE THE TURKEY.
I DO WHAT I CALL HATE BASTING WHERE I JAB IT WITH THE BASTER
AND PRETEND IT IS THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE WRONGED ME.
HERE IS MY QUESTION, WILL THAT FLAVOR COME OUT IN THE TURKEY?
>> WELL, WE ARE IN COOKING LINE, YET EXDRK DSH EXPERTS.
>> Stephen: AS LONGS I HAVE GOT YOU ON THE PHONE THOUGH,
DON'T YOU EVER NEED TO LET OFF SOME STEAM.
>> YOU BET YOU, YES.
>> Stephen: HALLOWEEN IS EASY BECAUSE HAVE I DONE SOME
UNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO A UMP PUMPKIN.
>> OH, REALLY, CAN I IMAGINE YOU DO THAT.
BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE GOOD TO THE TURKEY THIS YEAR.
>> Stephen: THANKS VERY MUCH, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
SAY I HAD TO TONY.
BYE.
>> GOOD AFTERNOON, TURKEY TALK LINE, CHEF TONY, HOW MAY I HELP
YOU.
>> Stephen: IT'S STEPHEN AGAIN, HOW DO I DEEP FRY MY
TURKEY WITHOUT CATCHING MY HOUSE ON FIRE AND AS A QUICK FOLLOWUP
QUESTION, CAN YOU CONNECT ME TO THE FIRE DEPARTMENT?
>> DON'T PUT A WET TURKEY IN HOT FAT.
>> Stephen: NEVER FRY A WET TURKEY.
>> NEVER FRY A WET TURKEY IN HOT OIL.
>> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
STAY STRONG, TONY, AGAIN, HAPPY THANKSGIVING?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING?
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART, TONY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
>> THIS HAS BEEN THANKSGIVING TURKEY TIPS WITH OUR FRIENDS AT
BUTTERBALL.