LOTS TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEWS SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
AS YOU KNOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS LED THE UNITED STATES INTO A
TRADE WAR WITH CHINA.
AFTER TRUMP INCREASED TARIFFS ON CHINESE GOODS LAST FRIDAY,
CHINA RETALIATED TODAY BY ANNOUNCING THAT THEY WILL DO THE
SAME ON AMERICAN-MADE GOODS.
I DON'T LIKE THIS.
I FEEL LIKE THIS TRADE WAR IS GOING TO END WITH TRUMP RIDING
ON THE BACK OF A DRAGON.
TORCHING THE ENTIRE ECONOMY.
[LAUGHTER] YOU LAUGH, BUT IT COULD.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
IT'S UNCLEAR HOW LONG THIS TRADE WAR MAY LAST.
JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, TRUMP HAS ALREADY GOTTEN A NOTE
FROM HIS DOCTOR SO HE CAN GET OUT OF IT.
[LAUGHTER] MOVING ON, SOME HISTORY WILL BE
MADE IN THE N.B.A. PLAYOFFS.
GOLDEN STATE WILL PLAY PORTLAND IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE
FINALS, WHICH MEANS STEPH CURRY WILL PLAY AGAINST HIS BROTHER
SETH.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME TWO BROTHERS HAVE PLAYED EACH OTHER
IN THE CONFERENCE FINALS.
STEPH AND SETH CURRY.
IT'S GREAT NEWS FOR N.B.A. FANS, TERRIBLE NEWS FOR ANYONE WITH A
LISP.
[LAUGHTER] IMAGINE HOW SPECIFIC THE TRASH
TALK IS GOING TO GET ON THE COURT DURING THAT GAME.
ONE OF THEM GOES TO SHOOT A FREE THROW AND THE OTHER ONE
SHOUTS, "YOU PEED YOUR PANTS IN THE COAT ROOM AT CHURCH!"
[LAUGHTER] IT'S GOING TO BE AN EXCITING
GAME, THOUGH.
EVERY TIME ONE OF THEM GETS THE BALL, THEIR MOM IS GOING TO COME
ONTO THE COURT AND GO, "UH-UH, REMEMBER TO SHARE WITH YOUR
BROTHER."
AND HERE'S A CRAZY STORY FROM SOUTH DAKOTA.
A MAN THERE WAS RECENTLY ARRESTED FOR BREAKING INTO
A COUPLE'S HOUSE MANY TIMES OVER THE COURSE OF TWO YEARS,
AND IN THE PROCESS STEALING $500 WORTH OF SEX TOYS.
[LAUGHTER] NOW, IT'S WEIRD BUT IT COULD'VE
BEEN A LOT WORSE.
HE COULD'VE JUST BORROWED THE SEX TOYS.
[LAUGHTER] I'M A REAL GLASS HALF FULL GUY,
YOU KNOW?
THE MAN STOLE $500 WORTH OF SEX TOYS.
AND YOU THOUGHT YOU SCRAMBLED TO GET A MOTHER'S DAY GIFT.
[LAUGHTER] AND THIS WAS A VERY BIZARRE
STORY.
AFTER DOING A LOAD OF LAUNDRY, A CHICAGO FAMILY FOUND A LIVE
SNAKE THAT HAD GONE THROUGH THE WASH CYCLE.
POLICE SAID THE SNAKE QUOTE, "SMELLED LIKE DOWNY."
[LAUGHTER] FIRST OFF, WHY DO YOU NEED TO
CALL THE POLICE?
SECONDLY, WHY DID THE COPS FEEL COMPELLED TO SMELL THE SNAKE?
[LAUGHTER] "WAYNE, WHAT DOES THAT SMELL
LIKE TO YOU?" [LAUGHTER]
THE ONLY SNAKES THAT APPEAR FROM MY LAUNDRY ARE THESE TWO PYTHONS
AFTER I WASH MY "NO DAYS OFF" TANK TOP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THEY FOUND A SNAKE IN THEIR
LAUNDRY.
YOU THINK IT'S HARD TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET, TRY A SNAKE.
[LAUGHTER] AND FINALLY, WE HAD TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THIS, AN AUSTRALIAN MAN WAS RECENTLY OUT WALKING HIS DOG
WHEN HE FOUND A GOLD NUGGET WORTH $37,000.
DOES ANYTHING EVER GO WRONG FOR CHRIS HEMSWORTH?
[LAUGHTER] A $37,000 GOLD NUGGET.
OR AS THE DOG DESCRIBED IT, "NOT A STICK."
[LAUGHTER] THE MAN FOUND THE NUGGET WHILE
HE WAS OUT FOR A REGULAR WALK WITH HIS DOG.
THAT MUST BE WHY THEY'RE CALLED GOLDEN RETRIEVERS.
I NEVER KNEW IT WAS THAT LITERAL, BUT IT DOES EXPLAIN THE
PROBLEMS WE HAD WITH OUR SHIH TZU.
[LAUGHTER]