BECAUSE TODAY I AM LOVING A VIRAL VIDEO I SAW ABOUT A HAIRY,
LOVABLE MONSTER.
NO, NOT THE LAUGHING CHEWBACCA MOM.
REMEMBER, FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRIVE CHEWBACCA.
NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT A NEW AD FOR THE NATIONAL RIFLE
ASSOCIATION, FEATURING COUNTRY MUSIC LEGEND CHARLIE DANIELS.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER CHARLIE DANIELS, HE'S KIND OF
LIKE WILFORD BRIMLEY WITH MORE...
JUST MORE.
( LAUGHTER ) LISTEN, IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER
WILFORD BRIMLEY, YOU ARE OUR TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.
CAN I INTRODUCE YOU IN A FRUIT-FLAVORED DIET LAGER.
ANYWAY, IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE VIDEO, TAKE A LOOK.
>> TO THE AYATOLLAHS OF IRAN AND EVERY TERRORIST YOU ENABLE.
LISTEN UP.
YOU MIGHT HAVE MET OUR FRESH-FACED FLOWER CHILD
PRESIDENT AND HIS WEAK-KNEED, IVY LEAGUE FRIENDS, BUT YOU
HAVEN'T MET AMERICA.
YOU HAVEN'T MET THE HEARTLAND, OR THE PEOPLE WHO WILL DEFEND
THIS NATION WITH THEIR BLOODY, CALLOUSED, BARE HANDS, IF
THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.
YOU HAVEN'T MET THE STEELWORKERS AND THE HARDROCK MINERS, OR THE
SWAMP FOLKS IN CAJUN COUNTRY WHO CAN WRESTLE A FULL-GROWN GATOR
OUT OF THE WATER.
NO, YOU'VE NEVER MET AMERICA.
AND YOU OUGHT TO PRAY YOU NEVER DO.
I AM THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, AND I'M
FREEDOM'S SAFEST PLACE.
>> Stephen: NOW, I'M NOT SURE-- PRETTY EXCITING.
NOW, NOT SURE WHY CHARLIE APPEARED IN THIS AD.
I ASSUME IT'S BECAUSE HE LOST A FIDDLE CONTEST WITH AN AD
EXECUTIVE.
I HAVE TO SAY, I HAVEN'T HEARD ANYONE THREATEN THE AYATOLLAHS
IN A LONG TIME.
IT REALLY BRINGS ME BACK.
NEXT HE WILL BE GOING AFTER NEW COKE AND TEDDY RUXPIN.
THE ODD THING ABOUT THE AD IS THAT AYATOLLAHS ACTUALLY MIGHT
HAVE HAD A CHANCE TO MEET THE REAL AMERICANS HE'S TALKING
ABOUT, BECAUSE ALL THE REAL AMERICANS CHARLIE LISTS--
THE STEELWORKERS, THE HARD ROCK MINERS, THE SWAMP FOLKS-- THOSE
ARE ALL REALITY SHOWS.
AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, HE'S SETTING A VERY HIGH BAR.
CHARLIE, YOU HAVE GOT TO EASE UP ON THE REST OF US.
NOT EVERYONE CAN HAVE A TOUGH, MANLY JOB, LIKE PLAYING THE
VIOLIN.
AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THIS IS JUST THE FIRST IN A SERIES OF
ADS CHARLIE'S DOING FOR THE N.R.A., AND WE HERE AT "THE LATE
SHOW" WERE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO GET AN ADVANCE COPY OF THE NEXT
ONE.
>> I WANT TO A SOMETHING TO THE AYATOLLAHS, THE YASSER ARAFATS,
THE IDI AMINES, RUSSIAN CZARS AND THE GREAT WHITE SHARKS.
YOUR TIME IS OVER.
SHUT YOUR PIE HOLES AND LISTEN UP.
YOU MIGHT HAVE MET OUR TIE-DYED HIPPIE-DIPPY GRANOELY CHOMPING
ARTIE-FARTSY, PRESIDENT, AND WINE-SIPIN, NBR-BAG TOTEN CIRCLE
OF WIMPO-CRATES.
BUT YOU AIN'T MET AMERICA BECAUSE YOU WOULD REMEMBER IF
YOU MET HER.
SHE'S HOT.
I'M TALKING BEER POSTER HOT.
LADY LIBERTY'S GOT A BUTT YOU CAN BOUNCE A QUARTER OFF AND GET
TWO DIMES AND A SHEKEL, OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU USE OVER IN
IRANIA.
YOU HAVEN'T MET OUR AMERICAN PICKERS, ICE ROAD TRUCKERS, THE
SWAM LOGGERS, THE POND STARS AND CUPCAKE WARRIORS.
AND I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU HAVEN'T MET THE REAL HOUSEWIVES
OF NEW JERSEY BECAUSE THOSE BITCHES WOULD SCRATCH YOUR EYES
OUT.
NO, YOU'VE NEVER BEEN FORMALLY INTRODUCED TO THE U.S. OF A, AND
YOU OUGHT TO PRAY YOU NEVER DO.
I AM THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA, AND
FREEDOM'S SAFE WORD IS PUMPKIN PATCH.
( LAUGHTER ) BOY, WE LIKE IT ROUGH
>> Stephen: DAMN, CHARLIE LOOKS GOOD.
WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING, SIR, KEEP DOING IT.