-Our first guest tonight is an Emmy-winning
writer, actor, and comedian.
New episodes of "The Sarah Silverman Podcast"
are released on Thursdays.
She also stars in the new show, "Santa Inc.,"
which premieres on HBO Max December 2nd.
Please become back to the show, our very good friend,
Sarah Silverman, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheering intensifies ]
-Welcome back to the show, Sarah.
-Well, thank you. -We've seen each other a lot
virtually, but we were saying backstage,
it's nice to see each other in person.
-I know. It's weird. It felt like I had seen you.
-But yet, we hadn't. -Yeah.
-But you have some very big news.
You moved into a house. -Big news, everybody!
I bought a house! -That's right.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.
I've never -- I grew up in New Hampshire.
I lived in a house. -Yeah.
-But I have never lived in a house
since leaving New Hampshire. And I never thought I would.
I thought I was an apartment person, but I'm a house person.
-Yeah. And it's a big --
I mean, the biggest step, I would imagine,
is the amount of things that go wrong, right?
-Well, I've always -- when I come home,
even in my apartment, I -- I always go, "Hello? Hello?"
[ Laughter ]
'Cause I get scared, and I look under the bed,
and I look in the closet, "Hello? Hello?!"
[ Laughter ]
I don't even just want to sound like a man,
I want to sound like -- like I'm a deranged person.
[ Laughter ] "Hello?!"
I don't know what I think is gonna happen.
Like, they're gonna be like, "This guy's crazy.
Let's get out of here." [ Laughter ]
I don't know. But it makes me feel better.
-So you have more hellos to say, I would guess,
in a bigger house. -"Hello?! Hello?!"
More around, yeah. "Hello? Hello?!"
[ Laughter ]
-Still no answers. You've never gotten
a response to the hellos. -Oh, my God.
That would be so scary. -Someone's like, "Hello."
Like, some -- But especially this --
-"Aah!" [ Laughter ]
If they said it like they've just been waiting for someone,
say it like, "Hi!" -Yeah.
"Hi!" [ Laughter ]
Oh, my God. -Yeah.
Is it -- Is it like the kind of thing where you've got to, like,
mow lawns and stuff?
-I mean, yeah. [ Laughter ]
A little bit. -Congratulations on that.
-I don't know why that reminds me of -- this is what
the old Chappelle joke about when he first, like,
went out to -- he went --
when he first went to Los Angeles years ago --
I've known him since he was 17 --
and he went -- he went to L.A., and he'd heard all this, like,
rap music about South Central and everything,
and then he got there
and people were mowing lawns, you know?
He was like, "People have lawns."
Anyway, that's not what I'm here to talk about.
-Do you -- -Yeah, I --
-Is it a busy area, or is it like -- is it like a --
-No. It's -- It's out in the middle of --
It's, like, in a canyon with -- I mean, I can still, like,
order Carl's Jr. [ Laughter ]
Carl Jr.'s, as it should be called.
[ Laughter ] But then there's like --
-Wait. You believe it should be Carl Jr.'s?
-Shouldn't it be Carl Jr.'s? -All right.
[ Laughter ]
No, I see your point. 'Cause, otherwise, it's like,
"Who's this Jr. that belongs to Carl?"
Is that what you're saying? -Yeah. It's like,
"What's that surgeon general -- No --
-Oh, yeah. Surgeons general.
-Yeah, it's like that. -Yeah.
-What, is the surgeons general, this Carl's Jr.?
Come on. [ Laughter ]
Anyway...
[ Laughter ] I'm gonna die on that hill.
-This is what you're here to talk about.
-That's what I'm here to talk about.
-You got sidetracked on the Dave Chappelle
lawn story, but now -- now we're into the meat of it.
[ Laughter ]
-But -- it is like I could order in, but also,
it is, like, nature and -- I mean, it's --
there's a skunk that always comes by,
and we call him, Trip Skunkerton.
-Trip -- -'Cause he's the third.
[ Laughter ] Anyway...
And there's, like, coyotes and mountain lions.
Oh, and I was reading -- do you know how you get a bear?
Like, if you encounter a bear -- This is good to know.
-Yeah. -All right, you're supposed
to make yourself as big as possible.
-Uh-huh. -And then you make a loud noise
while you -- while you walk back.
You know, back up from it. -Uh-huh.
-So you go -- [ Roars ]
[ Laughter ]
Like that. -I feel like --
I don't know. I feel like a bear
came up with that.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Right?
-Oh, my God.
Bears are just trying to make us look like ass [bleep]
[ Laughter ] You're so smart.
-Then they just go back to the cave, and they're like,
"It happened again." [ Laughter ]
"That lady." "Which lady?
The one who says 'hello' when she comes home?"
"Yeah." [ Laughter ]
She made herself real big, slowly walked back,
tripped over this skunk. [ Laughter ]
You -- We've talked about your dog before.
Dog's name is -- -Mary.
You know what? My dog's name is Mary.
And -- I -- We were just talking in the dressing room, like --
Everyone has -- Like, the guy who did my makeup,
Quinn, his dog is Carol. -Yeah.
-You know, like, everyone has people's names now.
So now I just feel like -- when I meet people
at the dog park, and it's like, "This is Carol."
"This is Mary," I feel like going, like, "I'm Puddles."
[ Laughter ]
"This is my boyfriend, Shadow." You know, like, whatever.
Anyway... -Can I say something about Mary?
-Yes. -Beautiful teeth.
Just -- like, you don't often see dogs with teeth this pretty.
-Okay. Is this a big reveal?
Well, she got eight teeth removed.
[ Laughter ]
She had a big underbite. She got eight teeth removed.
-I like that you said, "Is this a big reveal?"
You sent these pictures. I don't --
-I know, but I -- there are some pictures
where she has teeth. -She looks -- She actually does.
Her teeth look good there, yeah. -You can see her teeth there.
-Yeah. [ Audience "Awws" ]
-Yeah. She's like --
I don't even know what kind of animal she is.
-Yeah. -She's definitely not
a guard dog, obviously. -Right.
-But I still feel like, if murderers come in,
she will immediately go on her back and be like,
"Rub my belly." -Yeah.
-But I still feel like that will do something.
Like, I can just picture murderers going like,
"Aww. What are we doing?"
[ Laughter ]
But, you know, when you don't have kids --
Like, you have kids, but when you don't have kids,
your dog is your child, you know?
It's your baby that you -- but that you want to die before you.
That's the only caveat. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. Oh, that's a massive difference, yeah.
-It's a bit of a difference, yeah.
-But I -- I follow the logic, of course, yeah.
No one ever loves a dog enough that they're like,
"I hope I go first." -You never want --
Yeah, I mean, it's still the natural order.
-Yeah. All right.
Well, I hope Mary's not watching.
[ Laughter ] -She's not.
-It would be very jarring. -She hates your show.
[ Laughter ]
I disagree. I mean... -We'll be --
-She's a big Trump-head.
-We'll be right back with more from Sarah Silverman.