(upbeat theme music)
- [Narrator] Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything
and the one son who had no choice
but to keep them all together.
(upbeat theme music)
It's Arrested Development.
(upbeat theme music)
- Hi there, take it easy.
(gun screeching)
What,
what are you?
- Well, I'm a Gemini.
What the hell are you?
- You'd think Cancer, but Capricorn actually, Sag Moon,
and all kinds of things rising.
- Well, let's hope so.
- Lydia.
- Pretty sweet jump.
- [Emily] What are you doing?
- Well, I have incredibly strong thighs.
- [Emily] Stop bragging about your thighs.
- It does take a certain kind of woman
to look that good dropping through acoustic tile.
- Hmm.
(smooth saxophone music)
(upbeat '80s music)
♪ 'Cause you belong to the city ♪
♪ You belong to the night ♪
♪ Living in a river of darkness ♪
♪ Beneath the neon light ♪
♪ You were born in the city ♪
♪ Concrete under your feet ♪
♪ It's in your moves, it's in your blood ♪
♪ You're a man of the street ♪
(intense saxophone blaring)
- [Emily] Lydia.
Lydia, Lydia.
Hey.
Lydia.
Lydia, what are you doing?
(can striking)
- Ow.
- The kids and I are in danger.
- Huh?
What do you wanna hear, Kim?
People who drive trucks full of cash
onto scales to weigh it because there's too much to count?
They don't exactly have a code of ethics
that they adhere to?
We're not going to police.
- Send Liz to the police.
- No.
- No, Bruce didn't come home, he's missing,
they'll find out he's dead.
- (indistinct) is dead, Wendy.
She's dissolving a barrel
next to the one they stuffed Bruce into.
Now, here's what I'm gonna do.
Over the next two days,
I'm gonna try to pull together $8 million
to pay back what Bruce stole.
What we're not gonna do... - What?
Do we even have that much?
- Well, it's gonna be tight.
I'm gonna have to early withdrawal penalties.
I don't know, but I'm gonna try.
What we're not gonna do though is panic, okay?
We're just gonna prioritize,
and we're gonna compartmentalize,
and there's gonna be a little bit of time management, okay?
All right?
Starting first thing tomorrow morning,
after we tell the kids that we're moving,
we're gonna call your friend, Linda, the realtor,
and we're gonna list the house,
and then you're gonna call the moving company,
and then you and the kids are gonna pack,
you can either help them or just let them do it themselves,
I don't really care,
but come Friday after school,
we're on the road, okay?
That's it.
(upbeat theme music)
(audience applauding)
- Listen, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I want...
I have a very, very special impression
that I'd like to do for you.
Okay?
I do one every six years. Now's the time.
This is my impression of Matthew McConaughey
accepting the Best Actor Oscar in the year 2042.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
"All right, all right, all right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right, all right, all right."
(audience laughing)
Hey, country, where do you think you're going?
- I'm just going to get some provisions,
the boys are coming over.
- [Dunfrey] Hold your horses, son.
I got a better way.
(intense country music)
♪ Well, you can keep your fancy cheese and wine ♪
♪ I don't need nothing special for my good time ♪
♪ I ain't high class ♪
♪ Just a simple country brew ♪
♪ Just me and the boys ♪
♪ We like keeping it real ♪
♪ Cracking us a cold brew ♪
♪ Kicking up our heels ♪
♪ It's a simple life ♪
♪ Just a few little things I need ♪
♪ A case of Miller or Bud will do ♪
♪ A rack of ribs and a pack of chew ♪
♪ Cold bars and barbecue ♪
♪ This is all I need ♪
♪ I hope you can't miss that ♪
♪ I said a case of Miller or Bud will do ♪
♪ A rack of ribs and a pack of chew ♪
♪ Family size detergent and dryer sheets ♪
♪ Two loaves of bread and assorted lunch meats ♪
♪ Olive oil, eggs, toothpaste for Bob ♪
♪ Toilet paper, wind ♪
♪ That's never mine the cause ♪
♪ But nothing too fancy ♪
♪ That's everything I need ♪
(upbeat theme music)
- I mean there's girls on every corner out here.
- Yeah, I know.
Man, listen.
Tell me, what's going on?
You were saying that you're feeling kind of...?
- [John] Insane in the membrane.
Insane in the Spain.
- Where's the other one?
- Oh, Cheech?
He volunteers once a week.
- What?
- [John] Yeah, man, down at the animal hospital
just to like help keep the other dogs in check and shit.
- How do you volunteer?
- [John] You put his name down on the list, man.
- He can write?
- No, I do that part, Chip.
- You can write?
- Dude, are you sitting down?
- [Chip] What is this, a telephone conversation?
- Guess who's got a hot date tonight?
- You.
- Me.
I swear to God, man.
- She lost a bet, or...?
- Funny, man. No.
She lost her husband, actually.
Tragic, man. She's a widow.
So, dude is fully dead.
- I know what widow means.
- [John] Think about though, dude,
no matter what happens,
there's no way she can get back together with her ex,
dude is dirt.
Perfect sitch.
- Oh man, you get all the good ones.
- [John] Right?
- Right.
- Princess Carolyn, I'm dying.
- Damn it, you read the trades.
- I think my heart is in my stomach
and my stomach is in my butt,
and my butt ran away with the spoon.
- That makes sense because your butt is quite a dish.
- Can you come over?
I need you.
- Huh.
(somber atmospheric music)
What the?
- I ordered a few feel-better pizzas to feel better.
It did not work.
- Ugh.
- So then I sprinkled happy pills on them
and washed it all down with a please, God,
make my pain go away vermouth and ice cream float.
- Ah.
- Somehow I feel worse.
- Well, that's a real mystery.
- My show is terrible.
Why did I insist on a mockumentary format?
It's already an overused trope now in 2007.
- Hey.
(hand slapping)
Mockumentary is not a trope,
it's a device for storytelling,
and your show is daring and cutting-edge.
People just aren't ready.
- Yeah. Yeah, people.
It's not me, it's the people that are the problem.
Everyone's dumb and I am great.
Why do I always forget that?
- That's the spirit.
- You know what?
I'm starting to think this stupid show is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
- Really?
- Yeah, 'cause it made me realize that you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
And with your sexy cat eyes and your cute, little hair curl,
you look like a soft-served strawberry ice cream.
(BoJack groaning)
- BoJack, we can't. I'm your agent.
- You are so much more than that,
you're my lighthouse, my Garmin.
You're the little plastic table they put in pizza boxes
to keep the pizza from getting smushed.
You're Princess Carolyn.
(BoJack groaning)
(upbeat theme music)
- My name's Bella, nickname,
Pee-wee.
- Your name's Pee-wee?
- Yeah.
Pee-wee.
I've never met another one.
- Me neither.
- Ah, Pee-wee and Pee-wee. Touching.
Gets me right here.
Can someone get me a tissue?
(door knocking)
- [Policeman] Police. We have you surrounded.
Open up.
(door knocking)
(suspenseful soundtrack music)
- [Pee-Wee] Oh, thank goodness you're here, officers.
- Ladies, you're under arrest.
- Mm-hmm.
- For being too hot.
- Fooled you, girls.
I got these hunks out of the Yellow Pages.
- Pillow fight.
(intense electronic music)
- So, Susannah, mommy said to me,
"You know these kind of couples
that they spend like 10 years together
and then they get married?
They divorce in one year."
- Right.
- So just get married, right away.
- Yeah, do everything you want the second you want.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- And then you just get like nervous thinking about it
before you do.
- Exactly, just go and have fun
with the things you have right there.
- Not like this.
This whole night,
we should do this for like 24 hours straight.
- Like you and me?
- Yeah.
Eating chips, drinking juice.
- [Sergio] Yeah.
- Having sex.
- Let's do it.
(upbeat theme music)
- Sorry we're late.
We were laying low at a hotel, but nothing sexual happened.
We just watched TV and took naps.
- Okay, now remember, let me do the talking
'cause then star lawyers are gonna wanna cut a deal
but we don't want that.
This baby has to go to trial.
(intense atmospheric music)
(dark atmospheric music)
- You're Jim Stansel.
(Bill laughing)
Son, you don't look old enough to vote.
- I'm old enough to take a big fat shit on your face.
- I'm gon' pretend I didn't hear that.
And I'll make this real quick and easy for you, boy,
'cause I got a dinner reservation.
Your case has no merit.
The evidence is circumstantial at best,
you rely on speculation, hearsay, defamation of character,
libel and slander,
and frankly,
we'll have 'em out to counter-sue you back
into the Stone Age.
So why don't you just forget this whole thing,
and we can all go and enjoy our evenings?
- I don't think so.
(people whispering)
- I can't even see them anymore. What are they doing?
- My client considers this a nuisance lawsuit,
so to make you go away,
we are prepared to offer you a settlement fee
in the amount of $5 million, no more, no less.
- You mean if we wanted less than 5 million, you'd say no?
- That's what I said.
(upbeat theme music)
- Here's your stuff.
- I actually had a life-changing experience
in Rite Aid, believe it or not.
- Hmm?
Not.
I'm uncertain this first stage is safe
for anything bigger than a rash.
- What are the risks?
- If I've overestimated,
it could cause dangerous convulsions,
but there's no safe way to test it.
- [Eric] But since Mrs. Hammond's dead,
if we guess wrong, she could be stuck
in a convulsive state forever.
- Exactly.
(tense atmospheric music)
- Holy shit.
- What are you doing?
- Something selfless.
I'm testing it to make sure it's safe for my mom.
- Are you insane? How do you feel?
- Like a good person.
- You shouldn't have done that.
- Eric, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
I just...
just...
- Oh God, she's convulsing.
Abby. - Don't bite her tongue.
- Abby?
- Oh, don't grab the bag. I was kidding.
I'm fine.
(Eric sighing)
- You scared the crap out of me.
- That wasn't funny, Abby.
- Oh, it was a little funny.
Look, just 'cause I'm being selfless
doesn't mean I'm not gonna get back at you
for sending me to get snacks when it's my mom who's sick.
(tense atmospheric music)
Dr. Wolf, what's happening?
- Eric, grab my medical bag.
- Again, kidding. Totally fine.
- [Eric] Oh, Abby, you're trying to give me a heart attack?
- I suspected that one was fake.
- [Abby] I'm not a genius like you guys,
but wouldn't it take a second for my blood
to get to my brain, and then...?
(tense atmospheric music)
Whoa.
- What's wrong?
- What is this? Seriously.
Seriously, what's happening?
- Abby? Abby?
The (indistinct) have reached here brain.
- Ah, no, no, they haven't.
- Motherfucker.
(Abby laughing)
(Abby convulsing)
- Oh my God.
- Abby? Abby, can you hear me?
- Yeah, what?
- I hate you so much right now.
(upbeat theme music)
(doors creaking)
- You must be the the Baudelaires. Welcome.
The door is always unlocked.
My name is Jerome Squalor,
and I am so happy you come to stay with us.
- And how do you do, Mr. Squalor?
- Oh goodness, you must be out of breath in that long climb.
Well, luckily, I can think of two things to do about that.
One, you can stop calling me Mr. Squalor
and start calling me Jerome,
and number two, I am gonna make you a nice, cold martini.
Come this way.
(curious atmospheric music)
- [Klaus] A martini? Is that an alcoholic drink?
(Jerome laughing)
- Usually it is.
But alcoholic martinis are out,
and aqueous martinis are in.
- Aqueous martinis?
- It's just cold water in a fancy glass
with an olive in it.
(Sunny mumbling)
- We've never had aqueous martinis before,
but we'll try them.
- You're adventurous, just like your parents.
I remember when we all went up to Mount Fraught
and did high-impact birdwatching.
How many years ago was that?
- Was Montgomery Montgomery there?
- Or Josephine Anwhistle?
- Who?
Oh no, I never met any of your previous guardians.
- You don't happen to own a spyglass?
- [Jerome] Oh no.
But one of the eagles
were offered my best pair of binoculars that day.
I was not happy.
And then soon after that, I lost touch with your parents.
But you know how it is,
you know, you get older, you find different interests,
you marry a woman who despises all of your old friends.
(Jerome laughing)