Let's begin with some breaking news from the Vatican.
No, not about you.
You're still going to hell.
But there is some good news for priests.
REPORTER: Pope Francis says the Catholic Church's
thousand-year-old practice of celibacy for priests
could be changed.
He tells an Argentine publication
the ban on priests having sex was only temporary
and that there is no contradiction
for a priest to marry.
That's right.
Yeah.
Pope Francis just stepped out on his balcony and said,
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I am proud to announce the end
of our no-nut millennium.
We did it!
(NORMAL ACCENT) Oh, gosh.
And then-- and then a cloud of white
just shot out of the Vatican chimney.
Anyway, this is wild, OK?
The Pope suddenly decided that a thousand-year-old ban on sex
was just temporary the whole time?
Does anyone else feel like the Pope just
found out Giselle was single?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) She dumped Tom Brady?
Oh, look, everybody, I just found a new page in the Bible.
Yes, the two pages in Leviticus,
they were stuck together this whole time.
Oh, my gosh.
(NORMAL ACCENT) Look, I got to say--
I got to say, I think priests are going
to clean up on dating apps.
You ever heard of missionary?
I invented that.
No, this could really be a game changer.
I mean, think about it.
Now that priests can knock someone up,
it means that they might change their mind on abortion.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) You're pregnant?
Oh, look at this, two more pages stuck together.
My goodness.
(NORMAL ACCENT) Thank you.
OK, look, moving on.
We've got some inspiring news out of Nebraska.
Yeah, how often do we get to say that?
Like in a lot of places, Republicans
are pushing an anti-trans bill through the state legislature.
But this time, an incredible state senator
is speaking out--
and speaking, and speaking, and speaking.
A Democratic lawmaker taking a stand against what she says
is attacks on fundamental human rights.
This is out of Nebraska, where a Republican bill is trying
to ban what they call gender-affirming care
to people who are under 19 years old.
Now, this Democratic state senator
is halting all business in the chamber
and filibustering, or vowing a kind of obstruction set
of tactics that work in Nebraska, for the last three
weeks, saying she'll "burn the session
to the ground over this bill."
REPORTER: During her filibuster,
she has discussed everything from her favorite Girl
Scout cookies to the plot of the movie Madagascar.
If this legislature collectively
decides that legislating hate against children
is our priority, then I am going to make it
painful, painful for everyone.
Hell, yeah!
All right, look, at a time when so many of us are all talk,
she's actually--
well, she's all talked too, but in a useful way.
And I'm sure it's hard for Senator Cavanaugh
to come up with stuff to say for three weeks straight.
But it means a lot to so many families
that someone is fighting for them.
And it also means a lot to DreamWorks
that someone is still talking about Madagascar.
I mean, like, it's not their best movie.
Honestly?
Anyway, just today, Cavanaugh finally
got Republicans to agree to an actual debate
on this bill, which they were trying to avoid.
This is great if you're into civility.
I personally would have just gone nuclear and just been,
like, kill this bill now or I spoil
the end of The Last of Us!
And finally, spring break is coming up.
If you were thinking of going to Florida to lie on the beach
and not be surrounded by 5,000 miles of seaweed, well--
REPORTER: Florida is bracing for a 5,000-mile-wide
seaweed bloom, almost twice as wide
as the entire United States.
REPORTER: Enormous mounds of brown, mucky macroalgae
are now floating towards Florida.
The popular shores of South Beach
are only speckled with this kind of seaweed,
called sargassum, so far.
But in several weeks, that's likely to change,
with sightings already this month in Key West, Antigua,
and the crowded Mexican resort of Playa
Del Carmen preparing for up to three feet of buildup.
The biggest issue with the seaweed, a serious rotten egg
smell, not ideal for tourism.
Holy shit, that's a lot of seaweed.
It sounds like a plague God sends when he's mad
but, like, not that mad.
Like, I'm not hurricane angry, I'm just disappointed.
And if I had to guess about what God's mad about,
it's probably that Ron DeSantis eats
pudding with three fingers.
Look, I'm not a Florida parent, but I'd rather
let my kid watch a drag queen read Goodnight Moon
than watch a grown man in a suit finger a pudding cup.
And--
[cheers and applause]
The worst part-- the worst part about all this seaweed
is there's nothing Florida can do about it.
But it is Florida, so they'll probably just try to shoot it.
For more on the seaweed story, we go live to Miami Beach
with Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.
Roy, what's the situation over there, man?
What's going on, man?
What's happening, Kal?
What's going on?
What's going on, man? How you been, brother?
I'm good.
But what is-- what is the situation over there, Roy?
You see the situation.
It's disgusting, Kal.
Seaweed everywhere, man.
This beach looks like it's covered
in hair-- looks like an Italian man's back out here.
[sniffs] And this stuff smells like a truck
full of hard-boiled eggs that crashed into a factory that
makes wet farts. It's bad.
It's stinking.
Say, have you ever smelled a wet fart, Kal?
Like, you think it's a dry fart,
then a little juice come out, and you get a little juice.
Yeah, I mean-- yes.
- Some juice farts. - I know.
I get it. I get it.
We've all been there.
But-- but-- but why are you cleaning up the beach?
That's so kind of cleaning.
Cleaning?
Man, I'm not cleaning.
I'm taking all this home.
Hey, hang on, man.
The tour's over there.
Hey, get your ass back.
Get your ass back!
I'm the one that-- all this ocean vomit is mine.
Wait, Roy, why are you taking home the seaweed?
Why else?
I'm going to sell it to white folks.
What do you think I'm going to do?
White folks are not going to buy rotting seaweed.
No, but white people will buy it
once I call it naturally sourced
organic oceanic sargassum.
Oh, my god, you're right.
White people will buy the shit out of that!
I know.
I'm going to be printing money.
All I got to do is stick all this shit
in a classy tin, put a little white baby face on it.
It'll be in Whole Foods next week.
Oh, my working days are over, bro.
My grandkid's going to be so spoiled.
I hate him already.
OK, but what's it used for?
Like, do you eat it, or wrap yourself in it, or?
Man, I don't care.
You can eat it, smoke it, put it in your coffee,
rub it on your balls.
White people will figure it out.
Look, I just got to get all this done before Gwyneth
Paltrow has the same idea.
She'll steal it.
You know what, that's true.
- She'll steal it. - Yes.
Yes. - You know Paltrow.
I know.
You've got to hurry, though.
She stole turmeric from us.
You know-- you know the problem though, man?
The problem-- what's slowing us down-- what's slowing down
the cleanup is all this trash.
I got to pick all this trash out of the seaweed.
Oh, man, why don't you just leave it in there?
Just say it's rich and bioactive upcycled exfoliants.
Bitch, get your ass down here, Kal.
We going into business together.
We partners.
All right, I'm going to leave right after the show.
Come on down here, man.
You smart.
Oh, shit, Gwyneth Paltrow here.
I got to go, man.
Back off, Pepper Potts!
Hold her off, Roy.
Get out of here, Pepper Potts!
I'm coming!
Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.