(upbeat intro music)
- I just gotta reply to my agent here over e-mail.
- Oh, did you get a job offer?
- Yeah, to teach English in Korea.
Where were we?
- Uh, we're in the middle of your fake podcast.
Look, David, I'm happy to interview you,
but this isn't exactly the networking opportunity
I had originally hoped for.
- What are you talking about?
This is as good as it gets in Hollywood.
A podcast in a storage unit.
You get any bigger than this,
it's gonna be drugs,
boating accident, Buddhism,
you don't want any of that.
- I don't know what my college advisor's gonna think
about this internship.
- College advisor? Who cares?
College is a waste of time.
I mean, I don't even play colleges anymore.
(silence)
(more silence)
(even more silence)
You wanna know why?
- Why?
- Funny story.
(click)
(flashback whoosh)
(door opens)
- Uhhhh.
- Jesus, you can't just come in here.
- Dude, I just booked a $2,000 college gig on Eid,
so I can't do it.
- Oh, you Muslims need to loosen up.
Look at the Christians,
on their holiest day they got a rabbit handing out candy.
And the Jews...
- I get your point, but I just fasted for a whole month
so I have to eat with my family.
(sighs)
- Well, let me see if I can clear my schedule.
(boxes hit the floor)
Yeah, I could squeeze it in.
- But what if there's somebody better?
- What are you talking about?
I love college.
The late night parties,
the loud music,
the wild sex.
I mean, those are things I report to the cops all the time.
(flashback whoosh)
(footsteps)
- Oh, hey.
Millennial, huh?
Can you tell me where the Student Union is?
- Let me ask you a question.
Do you agree there's too much
income inequality these days?
- No, I think there should be more.
I either wanna be filthy rich
or dirt poor scheming with criminals,
not driving a Honda.
(smirks)
- Wow. You really don't understand
what it's like to be poor.
Maybe try listening to their story for once.
- I do, every night involuntarily.
I need thicker windows.
(smirks)
- Okay. Okay. There's no point in talking to you,
because you're clearly just a brainwashed,
capitalist shill.
- Uh, okay. Socialists, I get it.
Let me tell you something,
MTV tried 25 years to get seven strangers
to live in a house together.
It doesn't work.
- Fuck off.
- Fuck you.
- Yeah. - [Both] Shill.
- Take a class, learn something.
- Audit something.
- I'm so tired of this.
- Hi. Do you have a moment for sensible gun control?
- I don't know, I kinda like guns.
I mean, people use them to protect against tyranny.
- Wait, tyranny? Seriously?
Government's not gonna come for you.
- You liberals say that now,
let me tell you, Trump gets elected,
you're gonna have Rachel Maddow on MSNBC
showing people how to saw off a shotgun.
- Okay. Fuck you dude.
- Yeah, fuck me.
Everyone wants to fuck me now, what's the story?
- Nobody wants to fuck you.
- Okay. Hey, can you tell me where the...
- No.
- Black Lives Matter!
Black Lives Matter!
- Okay, relax pal.
- We're here protesting the lack of diversity on campus.
There's too many white males.
- Hmm.
- Like you.
- Me? Jesus pal, you make me look like Nat King Cole.
- I'm an ally of the people of African descent
and all other minority groups.
It's important to use our white male status
to help all African-American groups
and other people of color.
Even undocumented immigrants.
(protesters moan)
- Alright, well I agree.
You know, I'm pro-immigrant.
I mean, that said, I think you should be
a fourth generation American
to legally own stereo equipment.
- Are you fucking kidding me, man?
Get out of here!
Be gone!
White devil!
(moans from protesters)
(protester screams)
(tranquil piano music)
(tranquil piano music continues)
(protesters yelling)
(whoosh)
- In the end, I had to cancel
the show 'cause of the boycott.
(burps)
(silence)
(more silence)