-Welcome back to "Late Night," everybody.
With Johnson & Johnson's one-shot vaccine
now going into the arms of Americans,
there are now three approved COVID-19 vaccines.
Here with more on is one of our writers, Jeff Wright.
[ Telephone rings ]
-What's up, Moderna? -Hey, Pfizer.
What are you doing here? -I'm here for the vaccine job.
-Really? Do you even have a vaccine?
-Of course I do. And it's 92% effective.
-That's cute. Mine is 94% effective.
But who's counting? -So, you're here
for the vaccine job, too? -Yep.
So you might as well get a head start on traffic and go home.
Everyone is gonna choose my vaccine.
-You're awfully confident for someone with such a bad name.
-What are you talking about? -Your name literally
sounds like murder. Nobody wants
your Murder-na vaccine. -Come on, man.
"Moderna" doesn't sound like "murder."
[Bleep]
I had three name meetings, and nobody said nothing!
-Hey, uh, did the job interview start already?
-Not yet. Who are you guys?
-See, I told you we weren't gonna be late.
I'm Johnson. That's my brother Johnson.
We're Johnson & Johnson. -Both of your names are Johnson?
-Yeah. -Which Johnson name comes first?
-Mine does. -No, mine does.
-But I'm older. -But I put more money in.
-Well, it was my idea. -No, you said it as a joke,
and I said, "Let's actually do it."
-Hey, guys, uh, we don't care. Just go by your first names.
-Johnson? -Wait, so, your name is
Johnson Johnson and Johnson Johnson?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-See, I told you we should've went by The Johnsons.
-No, then we'd be like the Jacksons,
and somebody would have to be a Tito.
I'm not trying to be a Tito. -You guys have a vaccine, too?
-Yeah, and it only needs one shot.
What's your effective rate? -[ Mumbling ] 81%.
-What? What was that? -81%.
-Did he say "ampersand"?
-I think he said, "Aidan for president."
-Who's Aidan? -Remember Aidan?
That dude from my gym class? The one with the eye thing?
-Oh, yeah, that dude. What was up with his eye?
-I think it was, like, dead. -When he looked at me --
-I said "81%." -Oh, hell, no!
-But -- But we protect against more than just COVID,
and we're working on a new way to take the shot.
-Oh, that's what's up.
'cause I'm tired of taking shots in the butt.
-Oh! You do know you can inject it in the arm, right?
-Oh, I knew that. I gotta make a quick phone call.
I'll be back. -Hey, uh, is this
where the interview is happening?
I have a vaccine, too. -Wait. Who are you?
-AstraZeneca. -That's a cool name.
-I would kill for that name. -I bet you would.
-Shut up. Why are you so late?
-I was working in Europe, and I just got in.
-So, you just got off an international flight,
and then quarantine? -Yeah, but that's because --
Trying to give me the virus.
-But he kept asking me to pull my pants down.
-You Johnsons can leave, too.
I already got preorders from every country.
I guess everyone wants my vaccine.
-Nobody wants your vaccine.
You probably put the chip in people.
-That was one time. And it was a chocolate chip.
I was trying to end hunger. -Next, Mr. Murder -- Murder-na?
-It's Moderna. Never mind.
-Okay, well, good news. You all are approved.
-Okay.
-Then Why did he give me my shot in the butt?!
[ Quieter ] Then why did they give me mine in the butt?